Tuesday, Feb 2, 2010
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| SJ Links |
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Toons & Pics |
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| General Sponsors |
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
Consider: You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck, Or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head... Well, Shit Happens!!!
As US tourists in Israel, Morris and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.
After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.
"America," Morris replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the States."
"Yes I am." said the wife.
He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?"
"Yes." she replied.
Turning to the husband, he said, "I'll give you 100 camels for her."
Morris looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "She's not for sale."
After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked, "Morris what took you so long to answer?
Morris replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."
Marty arrives home from work and as soon as he sets foot in the house, Sadie is on to him, telling him that their friend Marvin has finally quit smoking.
"Imagine that, Marty," she says, "someone who smoked 3 packs a day for 20 years has stopped smoking all of a sudden. Now that's what I call will power - something that you definitely don't have."
But Sadie hadn't finished.
"And that's not all. I hear that Bernie, that drunken friend of yours, is finally giving up drinking - another example of the kind of will power that you don't have."
"OK, Sadie," said Marty, "you want to see will power, do you? Well here's will power. I am going to sleep in the spare room from now on. I am going to prove to you that I won't be affected at all by not sleeping with a woman."
Marty keeps to his word.
One night, when he had been sleeping alone for a week, there is a knock on his bedroom door.
Marty shouts out, "What do you want?"
Sadie replies, "Marvin has started smoking again."
Click the pic or copy/paste http://tinyurl.com/yz69v47
|
Click here to Read Random Jokes
Click the pic or copy/paste http://tinyurl.com/ykkl5ho |
Prince Charles
Prince Charles is driving his Land Rover to Sandringham to see his mum. He enters the gate and waves at the guard, just as he pulls onto the driveway he feels a *bump* and a high-pitched howling noise. He quickly stops the car and gets out, to his horror he sees one of his mums Corgis badly crushed under the wheel of the car.
The poor dog is already dead and Prince Charles does not know what to do. His mum will be heart broken and she will be very upset with him.
Just then there was a bright flash and *poof* a beautiful fairy appeared floating in front of him.
"Who are you?" Asked Prince Charles
"I'm your fairy godmother" she replied in a soft voice "I sensed you were in need and am here to grant you any wish you desire".
"Any wish I desire" repeated Prince Charles "What luck! Well as you can see I just ran over one of mums dogs and she will be most upset. So please, can you bring the doggy back to life?"
The fairy godmother took out her magic wand and walked over to the squashed Corgi and after looking at it for a while she said "It is very errrr, squashed and I'm afraid my fairy magic has its limits you know. Isn't there anything else you desire, another wish I could grant you?"
Prince Charles scratched his head and thought about it for awhile. "Ahha," he said, "I know what I would like to wish for. Please can you make Camilla as beautiful as Diana was?"
The fairy godmother had a stunned look on her face, she paused for a second, and said, "Well, perhaps I could have another try at the dog."
Traffic camera
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He
figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit,
even though he knew that he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot,
driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even
slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again
flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a
fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled
past, this time at a snail's pace...
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without
a seat belt.
You can't fix stupid !!!
Jim
Trivia
In 1889, the 1st coin-operated telephone, patented by Hartford, Connecticut inventor William Gray, was installed in the Hartford Bank. Local calls using a coin-operated phone in the U.S. cost only 5 cents everywhere until 1951.
In 1964 General Mills began marketing Lucky Charms cereal with pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, and green clovers. The marshmallow bits (technically referred to as marbits) were invented in 1963 by John Holahan. The cereal is marketed using a leprechaun character named Lucky (L.C. Leprechaun is his full name) that touts his cereal as being "Magically Delicious." Over the years the various shapes and colors of the marshmallow bits in the cereal have undergone many changes.
In 1965, LBJ enacted a law requiring cigarette manufacturers to put health warnings on their packages.
In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting advertising space on his cows.
In 1991 Procter & Gamble won a $75,000 lawsuit against James & Linda Newton who were found responsible for spreading rumors that the company supported the Church of Satan. The two were distributors of Amway Products, a competitor of Proctor & Gamble.
Perfume contains ethyl alcohol and 25% fragrant oils. Cologne is cheaper to produce and to purchase because the oil content in cologne is only 3%. Cologne was named for the German city in which it was first produced. The original formula combined alcohol, lemon spirits, orange bitters and mint oil.
The 1st personal computer, the Apple II, went on sale in 1977.
The 1st unattended, 24-hour self-service laundromat in the United States was opened by Nelson Puett in 1949 on North Loop in Austin, Texas
The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth.
The first brand of Wrigley's chewing gum was called "Vassar", after the New England woman's college. Next were "Lotta" and "Sweet Sixteen Orange."
Truck drivers die
Three truck drivers die and go to meet God for admittance. God asks the first driver if he had ever cheated on his log books, taken drugs, or cheated on his wife. He replied that he would never consider such conduct and that he was a good man. God told him to go stand on this big X on the floor.
God asked the second driver if he had ever cheated on his log book, taken drugs, or cheated on his wife. He replied 'Oh No I would never do any such thing." God told him to stand next to the first driver on the X.
God then asked the third driver if he had ever cheated on his log book, taken drugs, or cheated on his wife. He explained that as much as he regretted it he had falsified his log book, and taken some little white pills because there was the cutest little blonde honey in Dallas that he had ever seen.
At this point God pressed a button and the first two drivers fell through a hole that opened under them. The third driver, startled, asked what happens now?
God said "well those two liars are going to Hell and you and me are going to Dallas.
For a list of all Stolen Jokes sponsors
Click HERE or copy/paste this
http://www.stolen-jokes.com/include/XCB.php
into your browser.
Click the pic or copy/paste http://tinyurl.com/yhzgbcy |
|
Email jokes to send-your-jokes-here@stolen-jokes.com Disclaimer: This site contains adult
humor, adult cartoons and adult pictures. Also included are trivia columns
and articles about stupid people. We claim no copyrights to the jokes,
pictures/cartoons or news/trivia articles on these pages. If you do
forward jokes or pictures please leave them intact. If you wish to reproduce
material, then permission is granted, a link and credit would be nice
but is in no way required. We may not give credit to those who may wish
to send us jokes or cartoons, because somebody else probably sent them
to you anyway, but if you send something and want credit, I'll do it.
If there is anything that you believe to be copyrighted please contact
us and we will remove it. Displayed cartoons are the property/copyright
of their respective owners. They are used here strictly for entertainment
purposes. No copyright infringement of any kind is intended. |
Joke
Archives |
|||