Wednesday, Feb 3, 2010
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"Yes, I am," he replied, pleased to find someone interested in his services.
"Is it true that you clasped the ears of a deaf man and gave him the ability to hear?"
"Yes, it is true," said Bernardo.
"Is it true that you brushed your fingers against the eyelids of a blind man and gave him the ability to see?"
"Yes, that is also true," said Bernardo.
At this point she went outside of the tent and rolled in her husband who sat in a wheelchair looking lifeless. "Well then, do you think you could help my husband?"
"I can try," Bernardo said. "Is he paralyzed?"
"Even worse," she replied. "He works for the phone company."
Glenn and Scott are bungee-jumping one day when Glenn has a brainstorm, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Southern California."
Scott agrees that it would be a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel south and set up in a vacant lot. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
When everything is ready Glenn gives it a test jump. When he bounces at the end of the cord and comes back up, Scott notices that Glenn has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the Scott isn't able catch him, so Glenn falls again, bounces, and then comes back up.
This time, Glenn is bruised and bleeding. Again, Scott misses him. Glenn goes down again and this time, he comes back pretty messed up—he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
On the next attempt, Scott finally catches him and pulls him in. "What happened?" he asks. "Was the cord too long?"
Glenn catches his breath and replies, "No, the cord was fine, but tell me ... what the heck is a piñata?"
Russian and an Australian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the final match, the Aussie wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has, whatever you do don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Aussie and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.
All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Aussie and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.
His back hit the mat with a thud and the Aussie collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the Aussie wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose. So with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."
"So, the trainer exclaimed, "That is what finished him off!"
"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls.
I was recently attending a birthday party for my mother-in-law, when my three-year-old grandson came to me with a Strawberry Shortcake toy computer that can help with spelling and some other things. He wanted me to turn it on for him. I opened it up, looked around for an on/off switch, and slid a couple of switches left and right, but it wouldn't come on. I gave it back to him saying that I couldn't help him.
He took the computer and gave it to the mother of the little girl it belonged to. She opened it up and pushed a button, it came on, and she gave it back to him.
I asked her what she had pushed to get it to come on. She replied, "On/Off." When I said I couldn't figure it out and I work on computers for a living, she replied, "I wouldn't tell that to anyone."
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He looks in his pockets and finds a dollar and a quarter. He throws the dollar in the machine and sticks his penis into the first hole.
And, surprisingly, it feels good... it feels very good... And just when he's about to come, the machine stops.
So he puts his dick in the other hole and puts the quarter in. And it hurts, it hurts. At first he is not even able to take his dick out, but when he does, it's raw and covered with blood. He's crying because of the pain.
An old lady comes from behind the machine and stops to ask what's the matter. He tells her about the first hole and how *wonderful* it felt. Then he describes the hell of the second hole, and shows her his red and torn penis.
And the little old biddy smiles sweetly and says,
"You don't expect me to take out my false teeth for a quarter, do you?"
Earl And Bubba
Two rednecks, Earl and Bubba, were driving down the road one day drinking a Bud. Earl looks up and says, "Lookiee up thar, Bubba...I see a real po-leese roadblock..." "Them Pol-eese mans gonna catch us a drinkin."
Bubba says. "No sir-ee they won't either..You do exlaxly like I says. Finish your beer, peel the label off and put the bottle unda your seat. Now, stick the label on your far-head".
Earl does exactly as Bubba says. They pull up to the roadblock and stop with the beer labels sticking to the middle of their heads. Naturally, the first thing the policeman asks is, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No Sir", says Bubba.....We're on the " patch"!!
Three Hillbillies
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze. 1st Hillbilly: "My blonde wife sure is stupid... she bought an air conditioner!"
2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"
2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My blonde wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"
1st Hillbilly: "Why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly: "Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
3rd Hillbilly : "That ain't nuthin'! My redhead wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in there."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well what's so dumb about that?"
3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker!!!"
Trivia
Six non-Division I players have been named MVP or co-MVP.
Six teams have lost the final game of the regular season and still won the Super Bowl.
Super Bowl Sunday is the second-largest U.S. food consumption day, following Thanksgiving.
Super Bowls are held in an American city that is chosen years in advance.
The 33 MVPs have been born in 19 states.
The Dallas Cowboys have scored the most points (221); the Denver Broncos have allowed the most (206).
The Dolphins are the only team that failed to score a touchdown in a Super Bowl game. Miami scored just three points in a 21-point loss to Dallas in Super Bowl VI in New Orleans.
The first Super Bowl was played in 1967. The Green Bay Packers of the National Football League defeated the Kansas City Chiefs of the American Football League, 35-to-10.
The longest field goal in Super Bowl history was by Steve Christie. Christie hit a 54-yarder in the first quarter of Super Bowl XXVIII vs. Dallas. Jason Elam has the second-longest field goal of 51 yards.
The Los Angeles Rams had the most losses (7) of any team to play in the Super Bowl.
The NFL pays for up to 150 rings for the winning Super Bowl team at $5,000 apiece (plus adjustments for extra gold or diamonds) and 150 pieces of jewelry for the losing Super Bowl team, each to cost up to half the price of the Super Bowl ring
The only team to win back-to-back Super Bowls under different head coaches are the San Francisco 49ers. They won Super Bowl XXIII under legendary coach Bill Walsh and the next year returned to victory under George Seifert.
The Pac-10 and SEC have a player named MVP the most times (6).
The team leading at the end of the third quarter has won the past 13.
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