Thursday, Feb 4, 2010
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They found plenty of rental townhouses that were large enough, but the landlords always objected to having a family of nine occupy the place.
In frustration, the husband asked his wife to take the four youngest children and go visit the local cemetery. She was puzzled by his request, but went along with it. He and the other three children headed off to investigate another townhouse they had found.
The place was perfect and the gentleman told the landlord he would take it. Then came the usual question, "I see you have children. How many are there in the family?"
He gave out with a deep sigh, then said, "Seven. But four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."
He got the townhouse.
Stan
Bird
Two Minnesotans, Sven & Ole, walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake ..
At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie yumping is too dangerous for me."
VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!
Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs.
He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.
Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."
BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE , you betcha!!
Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken.
Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie yumping, den Knute parrotshooting .. and now Lars, hengliding ....."
Dats all. Dere ain't no more!
Watcha lookin' down here for? I told you dere's no more!
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A redneck named Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for.
Clem went in first, and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Clem said, Yup, he's burnt real bad; but you'll have to roll him over if you want me to identify him."
So the mortician rolled the corpse over and Clem looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Clyde."
The mortician thought that was rather strange, but proceeded to bring in Zeke to identify the body. After the sheet was pulled back, Zeke took a look and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad; roll him over." So, again the mortician rolled the burnt corpse over, and Zeke looked down and said, "Nope, it ain't Clyde."
Frustrated, the mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Zeke answered, "Well, Clyde had two assholes.""What!?" The disbelieving mortician asked, "He had TWO assholes?"
"Yup, that's right, everybody knew Clyde had two assholes.
Ever time we went to town, folks would say... 'Here comes that thar Clyde with them two assholes!'
My mother never let me help much in the kitchen. As a result, my cooking ability was practically non-existent when I got married. But, I did remember mother mentioning to her friends that she did make cakes, pies and other things from scratch. So my first priority after the honeymoon, was to locate some scratch.
With mother's delicious cakes in mind, my first trip to the supermarket was to buy some scratch. I found the aisle that read -- Baking Items. I spent a good 15 minutes looking at everything from vegetable oil,sugar, flour and chocolate without seeing a sign of scratch. I was sure it wouldn't be with the pickles or the meat. I asked the clerk if they carried scratch. He looked at me funny and finally said, "You'll have to go to the store on the corner."
When I got there, it turned out to be a feed store. I thought it rather strange, but I decided cakes were food. "Do you have scratch?" I asked the clerk.
He asked me how much I wanted. I suggested a pound or two. His reply was, "How many chickens do you have? It only comes in 20 pound bags." I really didn't understand why he mentioned chickens, but I had heard mother say she made chicken casserole from scratch. So, I bought 20 pounds and hurried home.
My next problem was to find a recipe calling for scratch. I went through every single page of my lovely "Better Homes and Gardens" Cookbook -- a wedding gift. I looked and looked for a recipe using scratch. There I was with 20 pounds and no recipe.
When I opened the scratch, I had doubts that a beautiful, fluffy cake would ever result from such a hard looking ingredient. I hoped with the addition of liquids and heat the result would be successful. I had no need to mention my problem to my new husband. He had suggested very early in our marriage that he liked to cook and would gladly take over anytime. One day he made a pie and when I told him how good it was, he said that he made it from scratch.
That assured me that it could be done.
Being a new bride is scary and when I found out he made pies, cakes, and even lemon pudding from scratch . . . . well, if he made all those things from scratch, I was sure he had bought a 20 pound bag of scratch also. But, I couldn't find where he stored it, and I checked my supply. It was still full! At this point I was ready to give up because all the people knew about scratch except me. I decided to try a different approach. One day when my husband was not doing anything, I said, "Honey, I wish you'd bake a cake." He got out the flour, sugar, eggs, milk and shortening. But, not a sign of scratch. I watched him blend it together, pour it into a pan and slide it into the oven to bake. An hour later, as we were eating the cake, I looked at him and smiled and said, "Honey, why don't we raise a few chickens?"
A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.
The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.
The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance.
He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.
The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around."
Trivia
The only part of the human body that has no blood supply is the cornea in the eye. It takes in oxygen directly from the air.
The only repealed amendment to the US Constitution deals with the prohibition of alcohol.
The only river that flows both north and south of the equator is the Congo. It crosses the equator twice.
The only rock that floats in water is pumice.
The only wood used by famed London cabinetmaker Thomas Chippendale was mahogany.
The average human body contains enough: iron to make a 3 inch nail, sulfur to kill all fleas on an average dog, carbon to make 900 pencils, potassium to fire a toy cannon, fat to make 7 bars of soap, phosphorous to make 2,200 match heads, and water to fill a ten-gallon tank.
The average human produces 25,000 quarts of spit in a lifetime, enough to fill two swimming pools.
The average person releases nearly a pint of intestinal gas by flatulence every day. Most is due to swallowed air. The rest is from fermentation of undigested food.
Despite the fact that federal spending on the drug war increased from $1.65 billion in 1982 to $17.7 billion in 1999, more than half of the students in the United States in 1999 tried an illegal drug before they graduated from high school. Additionally, 65% have tried cigarettes by 12th grade and 35% are current smokers, and 62% of twelfth graders and 25% of 8th graders in 1999 report having been drunk at least once.
The largest insect egg belongs to the Malaysian jungle nymph, a sticklike insect, and measures about 1.3 centimeters long — larger than a peanut! (Some insects, mainly mantises and cockroaches, lay egg cases that are larger, but they contain about 200 individual eggs.)
When airplanes were still a novel invention, seat belts for pilots were installed only after the consequence of their absence was observed to be fatal – several pilots fell to their deaths while flying upside down.
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