Friday, Feb 5, 2010
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| SJ Links |
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Toons & Pics |
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| General Sponsors |
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
We Must Stop This Immediately !
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper . Groceries are heavier . And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!
All I can do is pass along this warning: WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!
Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.
When you have an `I Hate My Job day' try this out:
Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."
HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart ... Maybe you should go and work for Johnson and Johnson
Enjoy life now - It has an expiration date!
A man had just returned from a weeklong seminar. His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as he looked absolutely terrible.
"Well..." said the man, "I met this blonde and turned out she was taking the same training I was and wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night."
"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why are your eyes so red?"
"Well..." said the man, "turns out she was married and had a baby at home. She started crying with remorse, and I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."
"I see." chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How come you still appear so ragged?"
"Well..." said the man, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 times a day for four days and not look like this."
Click the pic or copy/paste http://tinyurl.com/yz69v47
|
Click here to Read Random Jokes
A man goes to consult a specialist about his medical problem. After the visit the man asks, "How much do I owe you? "My fee is five hundred dollars," replies the physician.
"Five hundred dollars? That's impossible. No one charges that much!"
"In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my fee to three hundred."
"Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous."
"Well, then, could you afford two hundred?"
"Who has that kind of money?"
"Look, replies the doctor," growing irritated, "Just give me fifty bucks and get out."
"I can give you twenty says the man. Take it or leave it."
"I don't understand you," says the doctor. "Why did you come to the most expensive doctor in New York if you have no money?"
"Listen, Doctor," says the patient, "When it comes to my health, nothing is too expensive."
Biker
Crazy Mike the Biker walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny ... keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"
Then Crazy Mike says, "Gimme 3 boxes."
The next day, Crazy Mike walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants.
The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.
Crazy Mike says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay."
The pharmacist replies, "BEN GAY?!?!?! You're not going to put Ben Gay on that, are you?"
Crazy Mike says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."
A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"
"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. `"We weren't making love."
"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were."
Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.
The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"
Trivia
As of 2006, the cost of a 30-second commercial on average is $2.5 million. The first famous Super Bowl commercial was a 1974 ad for Noxzema featuring Super Bowl legend Joe Namath.
California leads with five MVPs, followed by Ohio and Florida with four.
Dan Reeves, Mike Ditka and Tony Dungy have appeared in the Super Bowl as a player, assistant coach and head coach.
During halftime show of Super Bowl XXXVIII in 2004, Justin Timberlake removed a piece of Janet Jackson's top, exposing her right breast with a star-shaped ring around the nipple. Timberlake and Jackson have maintained that the incident was accidental, calling it a "wardrobe malfunction."
In Super Bowl XLI (2007) Tony Dungy of the Colts and Lovie Smith of the Bears making history as the first African-Americans to coach in a Super Bowl.
Jerry Rice has scored the most touchdowns (7) in three Super Bowls.
Mike Lodish has played the most Super Bowls (6), four with Buffalo and two with Denver.
No network footage exists of Super Bowl I. It was taped over, supposedly for a soap opera.
No NFL team has ever played the Super Bowl on its own home field.
No Super Bowl game has ever gone into overtime play.
No Super Bowl has ever ended in a shutout. Super Bowl VII with Miami Dolphins kicker Garo Yepremian's failed field goal attempt is perhaps the most dramatic example of a near shutout. The lowest amount of points scored in a Super Bowl is 3, put up by those same Dolphins in the previous year's Super Bowl, Super Bowl VI.
One MVP, Dallas' Chuck Howley, came from a losing team in Super Bowl V.
One MVP, Washington's Mark Rypien, was born in Canada.
For a list of all Stolen Jokes sponsors
Click HERE or copy/paste this
http://www.stolen-jokes.com/include/XCB.php
into your browser.
Click the pic or copy/paste http://tinyurl.com/yklxry6 |
|
Email jokes to send-your-jokes-here@stolen-jokes.com Disclaimer: This site contains adult
humor, adult cartoons and adult pictures. Also included are trivia columns
and articles about stupid people. We claim no copyrights to the jokes,
pictures/cartoons or news/trivia articles on these pages. If you do
forward jokes or pictures please leave them intact. If you wish to reproduce
material, then permission is granted, a link and credit would be nice
but is in no way required. We may not give credit to those who may wish
to send us jokes or cartoons, because somebody else probably sent them
to you anyway, but if you send something and want credit, I'll do it.
If there is anything that you believe to be copyrighted please contact
us and we will remove it. Displayed cartoons are the property/copyright
of their respective owners. They are used here strictly for entertainment
purposes. No copyright infringement of any kind is intended. |
Joke
Archives |
|||