Saturday, Feb 6, 2010
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I'm looking for a surrogate husband, just for today. I will cook a great meal for you and greet you at the door wearing nothing but lingerie.
You must agree to:
-- come home by 7:00pm, but not actually show up until 8:00pm. Please don't apologize for being late and don't call to let me know you are going to be late.
-- walk in the door without actually greeting me.
-- the first words out of your mouth, after you get out of the bathroom, should be: "What's for dinner?"
-- take your plate from the table and walk into the living room and sit down in front of the TV, leaving me alone.
-- put your feet up on the coffee table, chew with your mouth open and ask me to grab you a beer.
-- not compliment me on the fact that the house is clean or that the food that took me several hours to cook is any good.
-- ignore me for the rest of the night and watch ESPN instead.
-- tell me to stop when I try to cuddle up to you on the couch and ask me to get you a beer instead.
-- come to bed without showering, even though you've been at work all day.
-- fart in bed and then fluff the covers.
-- wake me up to ask me for a blow job.
Please, please, please help me out! I miss the asshole.
Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. "I teach math there," I explained.
The trooper smiled, and said, "Okay, here's a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what's her total cost?"
I replied, "Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I'd say zero."
He handed me back my license. "Math was never my favorite subject," he admitted. "Please slow down."
The Shark and the Squid
There was once a very ill squid. He didn't know whether his infection was bacterial or viral, he just knew that he felt terrible. He was weakly swimming along when a British shark came by and picked him up.
The squid said, "Hey, if you want a good meal, I'm not it. I have aches and pains and I'm running a temperature. "
The shark seemed to be delighted, and asked the squid to come with him. The squid realized that he could not feel worse and obliged. They ended up in a dark cave where another British shark was circling.
The first shark dropped his find and said to the circling shark, "Here's the sick squid I owe you."
Stan
Beautiful woman
There is this man sitting at the bar when the most beautiful woman he has ever seen walks in, and he just has to go over to her. "Let's cut the small talk, shall we? Your place or mine?" he says.
She looks at him and replies, "Mine."
So he gets into his car and she gets into her car and they go over to her place. When they get up to her apartment he walks in and sees all these dicks hanging on the walls.
He jumps back and cries, "What the hell is going on here?"
She answers, "If you don't satisfy me, that's where you're going to hang. So how do you want it?"
The man thinks for a minute and tells her to go into the bedroom, turn out the lights and get naked. When she goes into the bedroom, he goes back down to his car and gets this Big fuckin' watermelon out of his truck. He goes back up to her place and knocks on the bedroom door.
"Are you ready?" he asks.
"Yes," she replies. So he goes into the room and starts to pump her with the watermelon. She is just screaming her lungs out, absolutely loving every minute of it. This goes on for an hour or so. When he finishes, he asks her, "So how was that?"
The woman catches her breath and says, "Ahhh, nothing like a good fingering before a fuck!"
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She searched for him high and low for several days, but all in vain. The following spring, however, Socks reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he'd just been out sowing his wild oats, and let it go at that.
Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Socks once again disappeared. The next spring, just as the prior year, he returned. When it happened for the third year in a row, she became very perplexed and decided to investigate. She started by asking her neighbors to see what, if any, information they might have.
She was down to the last house on the block, the home of an older couple. If they didn't have the answer, she wasn't sure where she would turn. So she went up and knocked on the door. The lady of the house answered, and she asked her, "By any chance, have you ever seen a black cat with four white feet around here?"
"A black cat?" the woman said. "With four white feet? Oh my, yes! He's the sweetest thing. My husband and I kept seeing him outside every fall. We hated it that the poor thing had to be out in the cold, so we decided that when we go south for the winter, we'd take him with us. He's been going to Florida with us every winter for the last few years."
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad.? Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden,"she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I think that if Osama thought a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give him a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know,"Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot that sorry dog."
Upon taking a seat at the bar, the exec noticed that each stool had a number painted on it. Sitting next to him was a rather depressed-looking gentleman and an attractive young woman who was obviously enjoying herself.
The newcomer turned toward the unhappy fellow and asked if he knew the purpose of the numbers.
"Sure," the guy said. "Every half hour, the bartender spins a wheel and whoever has the winning seat gets to go upstairs for the wild sex orgy they have up there."
"That's terrific!" exclaimed the surprised customer. "Have you won?"
Not yet," the man said, miserably, "but my date has, four times in a row!"
One Liners
The man on the plane made a big mistake when he saw his good friend Jack at the other end of the plane. He called out, "Hi, Jack!"
Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year olds? Becuase there are twenty of them.
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
What's worse than an achy breaky heart? an itchy bitchy wife!
I love oral sex. But, it's the phone bill I hate.
Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It's called Trydixagain.
Researchers at Yale University say that chocolate may be good for pregnant women. However, they say it is not good for women who just look pregnant.
Always keep several get well cards on the mantel. If unexpected guests arrive, they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "What do you need?"
NASA reports that galaxies are speeding away from earth at 90,000 miles a second. What do you suppose they know that we don't?
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