Sunday, Feb 7, 2010
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"Yes, sir..." answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: "So Ole, how was your day?"
Ole tells him he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo! Ya, Ole, and the second one?" says the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning, and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Ole.
"Bravo, bravo Ole! You're good at this and what; about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here, and suddenly the door opens, and a woman enters like a flame. She undresses herself, taking off her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spread her legs and shouts: HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!!"
And what did you do Ole?" asks the doctor.
"I put eye drops in her eyes."
A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. "I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the test."
There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Anyone else? This is your last chance."
One final student rose up and opted out of the final. The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourselves," he said. "You all get 'A's!"
Suspicious person
"My wife is the most suspicious person in the world," complained the harried husband to a sympathetic friend. "If I come home early, she thinks I'm after something. And if I come home late, she thinks I've already had it."
Persuasion was necessary, but the amorous man had finally gotten his girlfriend between the sheets. In due course he made love to her, finally burying his sword in her sheath and beginning to screw away.
"Be careful," she panted. "I think I have a weak heart."
"Don't worry," he said, without missing a stroke. "I'll take it very easy when I get up to the heart!"
Thought for the Day: The Bible teaches to love your neighbor, and Kama-Sutra explains how.
Somewhere in the deep South, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, that is true."
Bubba asked, "And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true, mister lawyer?"
"Sure is Bubba, but why do you ask?"
"Cause I was thinkin' maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've been wakin' up with.
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"Yeah" the bartender says.
"Sure, and I can pee right on the spot from 75 feet away" the guy says.
"Yeah right" the bartender says.
"It's true, in fact, I'll bet you 100 dollars that I can pee right into a beer bottle 75 feet away and not spill a drop" the guy says.
"Go ahead" the bartender says smiling at the chance to make some easy money. So a beer bottle is placed on the floor 75 feet away.
Then the guy whips out his dick and starts peeing. He pees on the wall, he pees on the floor, he pees on the ceiling and bar, he even pees on the bartender. He pees everywhere EXCEPT in the bottle. The bartender starts smiling and tells the guy to pay up. The guy goes into another room, comes out a few minutes later with a big grin on his face and pays the bartender.
The bartender then says to the guy, "Why are you so happy, you just lost a hundred bucks?"
Then the guy says "Well, I just bet the guys in the other room a thousand bucks that I could pee all over your bar and not only would you not mind, but that you'd be smiling!"
Excuses, Excuses...
Philadelphia's Highway Patrol officers hear all kinds of creative excuses that drivers give for speeding. Here are some of the officers' favorites. By the way, none of them worked.
A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital because had been stung by a bee, and was allergic. "There's the bee right there," he said, pointing to his dashboard. The officer looked. The bee was not only dead, but in a advanced state of decomposition.
A man was doing 70 mph on the shoulder of I-95, avoiding the bumper-to-bumper traffic. After a third of a mile, he was stopped by an officer. He jumped out of the car, brushing off his pants, and told the cop he had dropped a cigarette on his lap. "I was looking for a place to park," he explained.
A speeder said that he and his wife were trying to have a baby. "My wife is ovulating," he told the officer. "I have to get home right now."
An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man responded, "I went by them so fast I probably missed them."
A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79 mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor," he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."
"I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."
When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill Expressway was 50 mph, the driver responded, "Officer, where have you been? It's 65 now."
One speeder said simply, "I'm trying to beat my wife home. Don't ask."
An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything you want."
The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted. the Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly."
She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.
Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife, "Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila."
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"
Pancho raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, Mi Amor, you drink from the bottle."
One Liners
I asked my mailman why my letters were all wet... he said "postage dew".
Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.
The only thing that wakes you up faster than coffee is spilled coffee.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
Odd that when a house burns down, the only things left standing are the chimney and the fireplace.
Only in America do we shop at places with limited parking, overpriced items, and long lines and insultingly, call them convenience stores.
Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
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