Thursday, Feb 11, 2010
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Taking off down the road, he floored it to 130 km/h, enjoying the windblowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazingly wonderful," he thought as he flew down the Trans-Canada towards Banff, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Royal Canadian Mounted Police patrol car behind him, blue and red lights flashing.... He floored it to 160 Km/h, then 180, then 200.
Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm way too old for this kind of nonsense," and pulled over to await the RCMP's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Officer walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with an RCMP officer. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Officer.
A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money. Mom said, "Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"
"Uh, oh yeah, OK," responded the kid.
So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?
Mom said, "Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000"
"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you crazy???"
"Don't worry hon," Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his baldhead, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!"
So you want to go skiing? Here's a a list of things you can do to help prepare yourself...
Paste a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed.
If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
Throw away a hundred dollar bill.
Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots, carrying 2 pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Sporadically drop things.
Place a small, but angular pebble in your shoes. Line them with crushed ice and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
Buy a new pair of gloves. Immediately throw one away.
Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at a high speed.
Go to McDonald's and *insist* on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line!
Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
Drive slowly for 5 hours--anywhere--as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
Fill a blender with ice, leave the lid off, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
Repeat all of the above daily until it's time for the REAl thing!
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Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day! Oh, and...
woo-woo!!!
St Peter looked up and over 1000 folks from New Orleans were converging on the Pearly Gates. Never having had more than one or two persons a day from New Orleans before, he ran to G-d and asked him what to do.
G-d told him, "Don't worry, St Peter. There's been a terrible flood in New Orleans. That's the reason for the large number of New Orleanians showing up at once."
St Peter ran back to the Pearly Gates and then ran right back to G-d yelling, "They're gone, they're gone!"
G-d said calmly, "St Peter, those 1000 people from New Orleans could not be
gone that quickly."
St Peter said, "No, the Pearly Gates! They're gone!"
Trivia
There are more than 450 species of finches throughout the world.
The word "robot" was coined in 1920 in a play, R.U.R. (the initials stood for "Rossum's Universal Robots"), written by Czech dramatist Karel Capek. The word was made up by his brother Josef . When Karel was writing his play, he couldn't decide on a name for these artificial creatures. Originally, he proposed the word "labors." Josef proposed "robots," coming from the word "robota," which means "work" in Czech and other Slavic languages, including Russian.
Johann Behrent built the first piano in America at Philadelphia in 1775 under the name "Piano Forte."
Today's playing cards got their names from a combination of names in Italian and French decks of cards.
The French trimmed the Italian deck from 78 cards to 52 cards, kept certain aspects of the Italian deck, and combined it with aspects of their deck. The British adopted the new French deck, the Americans followed suit, and the product of the changes the French made to their deck is the modern deck of cards.
Certain cards in today's playing cards, Italy's tarots, or picture cards, were used for both fortune telling and for card games, and made up 22 of the Italian deck of 78 cards. The remaining 56 cards were number cards. One tarot card named "il matto," or the fool, is present in today's deck as the joker.
The Italian deck had four suits, which represented the chalice, the sword, money, and the baton, and four "court" cards, the king, queen, knight, and knave.
Of the 56 cards in the Italian deck, the French kept 52, which included the king, queen, knave, and 10 number cards in each of the four suits. They renamed the suits the spade, heart, diamond, and club and the deck they created is the most common deck in use today.
The difference between a nook and a cranny: A nook is a corner and a cranny is a crack.
Jupiter, the largest planet in our solar system, weighs over twice as much as all of the other known planets combined.
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