Friday, Feb 12, 2010
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Harry did like he always did every evening. He kissed his wife, crawled into bed and went to sleep. All of a sudden, he woke up and saw an elderly man dressed in a robe standing in front of his bed.
"What are you doing in my bedroom? Who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die... I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You'll have to choose on your own..."
Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring and that a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad, he thought.
"I want to return as a hen." Harry replied. And in the next second, he found himself on a chicken farm and nicely feathered. But now "he" felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster!
"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel being a hen?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but I feel like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"
"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can" said the rooster.
Harry clucked twice, and pushed with all his might and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.
"Wow," Harry said "that feels much better!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And sure enough there was yet another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout, "Harry! Wake up. You're pooping all over the bed!"
Bad Analogies ...from a high school essay
7) He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
6) The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
5) Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
4) Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
3) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
2) The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
1) The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
There was this woman sitting on a park bench muttering to herself and spitting. She would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, she would say, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive", then spit.
A man sits down next to her and asks her, "What's going on here? You keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit".
"Well", says the gal, "my boyfriend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say sure, why not?"
"He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvey.
"We're going faster and faster and it's hard to stay on the road.
I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!!
"We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an overturned motorhome right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it!
I just knew we were gonna die! So I turn to him and said... "Geoff, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn blow job you've ever had!"
She paused. Then spit. "DAMN, THAT SON OF A BITCH CAN **DRIVE**!!"
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An hour later the mechanic saw the three of them standing a couple of miles down the road and the camel was not in sight.
"What in the world happened and where's my camel?"
"Well, we had stopped at that light and a car pulled up along side of us. The guy in the car stuck his head out the window and said 'Look at the three nuts on that camel!!'" When we got off to look, the beast took off when the light turned green."
Pauly finally got a job as an Amtrak conductor, and, boy howdy, was he looking forward to lining his pockets with those big tips.
On the third day of w*rk, a passenger told him, "I've got to get some sleep, but I've GOT to get off in Trenton, where I'm going to close a 10 million dollar deal. Here's a nice big tip for you now, so you be sure to come wake me. I'm a very heavy sleeper, so just shake me until I wake up."
"Of course, sir," says Pauly, "you can count on me. I've had lots of experience on this railroad, and all my passengers are always pleased with my service."
The next morning, about 10 a. m., the passenger wakes up as the train is going through Gastonia, NC, and he finds Pauly and grabs him by the lapels: "You stupid dingbat! I told you to get me up and off this train in Trenton! I TOLD you that I absolutely had to get off in Trenton, that I had to wrap up a major business deal in Trenton, and ..." he sputtered.
"Listen," says Pauly, You can scream at me as much as you want, but it won't approach what was said by that guy I had to throw off the train in Trenton!"
English class
One day, during English class, Miss Figpot asked her class, "who can tell me the meaning of indifferent?"
The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another. No one knows. Finally, Little Johnny sticks up his hand. The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his propensity for foul language and sexual innuendo, looks for another student to ask.
Finally when no one else raises their hand, she says, "yes, Johnny?"
"Miss Figpot, it's means lovely."
Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny, can you explain why you think indifferent means lovely?"
"Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard Mom say, 'that's lovely'. Dad replied to her, 'Yep, it's in different.'"
Trivia
How did the custom of kissing start?
Over time, the custom of kissing developed as a way for adults to express their love and affection for one another. The roots of this form of affection can be traced back to primitive times, when mothers fondled their children, much as mothers do today.
Much later, in the sixth century, society apparently accepted the custom of kissing between adults as an expression of their affection. Not surprisingly, France first accepted kissing in courtship, and in amore. There, figure dancing was the rage, and each dance was sealed with a kiss.
The custom of kissing swept from France through Europe to Russia, where Russian nobility loved to ape the French. Eventually, the kiss was incorporated into marriage ceremonies, and today lip-locks couples into sweet matrimony.
The custom of kissing today, as well as in ancient times, serves to show respect, and to pay homage to another. For example, early Romans kissed each other on the mouth or on the eyes to greet one another in a manner they deemed to be a dignified. One Roman emperor even ranked a person's importance by the body part he was allowed to kiss. He allowed important nobles to kiss his lips, less important ones to kiss his hands, and the least important ones to kiss his feet.
In Russia, the highest sign of recognition from the Crown meant a kiss from the Tsar himself. Today, natives of many African tribes pay homage to their Chief by kissing the ground over which he has walked.
About 75,600,000 pumpkin pies are baked each winter holiday season in the United States.
The world's largest snowflake was recorded in the Guinness Book of Records, at 38 cm (1' 2.96") wide and 20 cm (7.87") thick. The snow flake fell at Fort Keogh, Montana, USA on 28 January 1887.
With tires for his mouth and trees for arms, `Angus' - the tallest snowman, was made by residents of Bethel, Maine, USA, measuring a whopping 34.63 meters (113' 8.17"). `Angus' took 2 weeks to build, and was completed on 17 February 1999.
The greatest snowfall recorded was on Mt Rainier, Washington State, USA - Over 30 meters (98' 5.10") fell during the winter of 1972.
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