Monday, Feb 15, 2010
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Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Walter was sitting in the doctor's office for his annual physical going over a few fine points about his health with his doctor.
The doctor said, "Your blood pressure is a little high, you know Walter, you need to watch your diet and lose a little weight."
"But doc, I'm losing weight more and more each day."
"Oh really? How are you doing it?" asked the doctor.
"Well, just six weeks ago, I'd eat lunch at 12:00 and have a snack around 3:00. Just today I had breakfast at 7:30, waited 2 hours, had a snack at 9:30 then I waited an hour and a half and ate lunch at 11:00, then I waited 45 minutes and had a snack before coming here."
"And with this regiment you're losing weight?" asked the doctor.
"Yeah," Walter said excitedly. "More meals and less wait!"
A blonde went to the market one day to buy penny candy for her kids.
She selected an assortment of hard candy and one of taffeys and asked the storekeeper, "How much is it?"
"14 cents," answered the storekeeper, after quickly counting up the pieces.
"14 cents! For what?" asked the blonde.
The storekeeper explained, "The 7 pieces of hard candy cost 7 cents, while the 14 taffeys, which are on special, 'Buy one, Get one Free'are another 7 cents. So together it comes to 14 cents."
"I know different!" replied the blonde, indignantly. "7 + 7 is 11."
"What?" said the storekeeper.
"7 + 7 is 11!" replied the blonde emphatically.
"How do you come to that?" asked the storekeeper
"I had 4 children by my first husband, before he died. Then I married a second time, and my second husband also had 4 children, from his first wife. Then, after we were married, we had 3 children together."
"So, each of us had 7 children, and together we had 11 children. So,obviously, 7 + 7 is 11."
The shopkeeper gave her the candy for 11 cents.
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An interesting fact (could go in the "trivia" section)
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a byproduct is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term
`Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term `S.H.I.T', (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a golf term.
There is this just married Chinese couple that decided to make love on their wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from the shop nearby. When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off.
The husband had a hard time looking for a shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he had only 20 cents. He asks the shop owner to sell him only one of the condoms and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted.
"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each."
So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him. While the husband was out, a black thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away. The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.
When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife, mounted her and started screwing her vigorously. The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic but she thoroughly enjoyed the session.
Nine months later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy. When the baby grew up, he asked the father. "Papa, why am I black and you are white?"
The father shouted, "You are damn lucky! 5 cents more and you would have been purple."
The Italian Secret of a Long Marriage At Saint Mary's Catholic Church, they have a weekly husbands' marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, 'Well, I've a-tried to treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best of all is that I took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!' The Priest responded, 'Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary.' Luigi proudly replied, 'I'm a-gonna go and get her.'
Harveythefrogprince
Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. "I teach math there," I explained.
The trooper smiled, and said, "Okay, here's a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what's her total cost?"
I replied, "Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I'd say zero."
He handed me back my license. "Math was never my favorite subject," he admitted. "Please slow down."
Trivia
Hiccups happen when the diaphragm, the muscle that controls our breathing, becomes irritated and start to spasm and contract uncontrollably. With each contraction, air is pulled into the lungs very quickly, passes through the voice box, and then the epiglottis closes behind the rush of air, shaking the vocal chords, causing the "hic" sound. The irritation can be caused by rapid eating, emotional stress and even some diseases. The best cure? Breathing into a paper bag. This calms the diaphragm by increasing the amount of carbon dioxide in your bloodstream.
Dr. Seuss pronounced his name “soyce”.
Slugs have four noses.
Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
The Three Wise Monkeys have names: Mizaru (See no evil), Mikazaru (Hear no evil), and Mazaru (Speak no evil).
India has a Bill of Rights for cows.
The coloured part of the eye is called the iris. Behind the iris is the soft, rubbery lens which focuses the light on to a layer, called the retina, in the back of the eye. The retina contains about 125 million rods and 7 million cones. The rods pick up shades of grey and help us see in dim light. The cones work best in bright light to pick up colours.
The Apollo 17 crew were the last men on the moon. With Ronald Evans in the command module, Commander Eugene Cernan and scientist Harrison H. Schmitt drove 34 km (21 miles) in the lunar buggy. On December 11, 1972 they left behind a plaque that reads: "Here Man completed his first exploration of the Moon, December 1972 A.D. May the spirit of peace in which we came be reflected in the lives of all mankind." Cernan was the last man to have set foot on another celestial body.
Planting a flag on the moon does not mean owning it or any part of it. The United Nations Outer Space Treaty (long name: Treaty on Principles Governing the Activities of States in the Exploration and Use of Outer Space, Including the Moon and Other Celestial Bodies) of January 27, 1967 states that "outer space, including the moon and other celestial bodies, is not subject to national appropriation by claim of sovereignty, by means of occupation, or by any other means."
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