Tuesday, Feb 16, 2010
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As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.
The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618.
"Well, boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"
As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabbie was silent.
"Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the Texan.
Replies the cabbie, scratching his head. . . .
"Now that, I don't know; it sure wasn't there yesterday!"
One winter morning during breakfast a husband and wife in northern Minnesota were listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
A foursome teed off on the long par-3 eighth hole. The green on this hole lay behind a large bunker, so any shot that made the green would disappear over the top ridge of bunker. You couldn't tell where your ball landed until you arrived on the green.
After the last player hit his shot, the first golfer to hit charged off down the fairway, without waiting for the others.
He disappeared over the bunker and seconds later came running back down the fairway to the other three, yelling and screaming, "I got a hole-in-one! I don't believe it!"
"You've got to be kidding," said the other golfers in the foursome. "You run ahead of us down the fairway. Then you vanish over the rise, where you know we can't see you, and, all of a sudden, you start hootin' and hollerin' about a hole-in-one. Do you actually expect us to believe you? How stupid do you think we three are?"
"No, no. It's true. I swear it," he said crossing his heart. "Go look. I left it in the hole to prove it."
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know that you drink Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave!"
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Buy a pig
A man from the city decided to buy himself a pig, so he took a drive in the country until he came across a sign reading, "Pigs for Sale." Turning into the drive, he parked next to an old farmer standing by a pen full of pigs and explained his mission. Agreeing to a price of a dollar a pound, he picked out his pig, whereupon the old man picked up the pig by the tail with his teeth.
"Ayuh," he said, setting the squealing animal down, "that there pig weighs sixty-nine pounds."
Noting his customer's astonishment, the farmer explained that the ability to weigh pigs in this manner was a family trait passed down through the generations. Skeptical, and not wanting to be taken for a city slicker, the man insisted on a second opinion. So the old farmer called his son over from the barn, and the boy in the same fashion pronounced the pig's weight to be sixty-nine pounds.
Convinced, the man pulled out his wallet, but the farmer asked him to go to the farmhouse and pay his wife, who would give him a receipt. The man was gone for a long time, and when he finally returned to the pigpen it was without a receipt.
"What's the problem, son?" asked the old man.
"I went up there just like you said," recounted the man from the city, "but your wife was too busy to give me a receipt."
"Too busy doing what?" wondered the farmer.
"Well, sir, I'm not exactly sure," stammered the man, "but I think she's weighing the postman."
During the wedding reception in the family's southern mansion, the bride's Granddaddy slipped her five $100 bills and told her that it was for her and to keep it for "mad money, so she stuffed them in her gloves
By family tradition, the couple spent their first night together in their historic plantation house.
Later that night, after all the guests had left, the bride's Grandmother saw her sneaking down the stairs , and asked where she was going.
"I left my gloves in the library, Grand-MaMa, and it's important that I have them."
"Oh you youngsters!" the Grandmother sighed. "You march yourself right back upstairs and grab hold of that damm thing with your bare hands just like I did your Grandfather's."
"Hi Mom, How are you"
"Hi Son, where are you? I thought you were with your father at Home Depot""
"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"
What happened?
"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."
"What on earth ~ why did you do that ?????"
"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."
Trivia
Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain) was born on and died on days when Halley’s Comet can be seen. During his life he predicted that he would die when it could be seen.
US Dollar bills are made out of cotton and linen.
The “57? on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of pickle types the company once had.
Americans are responsible for about 1/5 of the world’s garbage annually. On average, that’s 3 pounds a day per person.
Giraffes and rats can last longer without water than camels.
The Cullinan Diamond is the largest gem-quality diamond ever discovered. Found in 1905, the original 3,100 carats were cut to make jewels for the British Crown Jewels and the British Royal family's collection.
WD-40 became available to the public in 1958, and in 1961, a sweet fragrance was added to overcome the smell of the petroleum distillates. In 1969, the Rocket Chemical Company was renamed the WD-40 Company, after its only product. The WD-40 Company makes the "secret sauce," then sends it to packagers who add the solvent and propellant.
In 1891, William Wrigley, Jr., moved to Chicago to sell soap and baking powder. At twenty-nine, he started his own business in Chicago-with a wife and child and $32 in cash. When he began offering customers free chewing gum by Zeno Manufacturing, customers offered to buy the gum. So Wrigley developed his own gums, introducing Wrigley's Spearmint and Juicy Fruit in 1893. By 1911, because of Wrigley's insistence on pumping huge amounts of money into advertising, Wrigley's Spearmint had become the leading U.S. gum brand.
During World War II, gum, considered an emergency ration, was also given to soldiers to relieve tension and dry throats on long marches. G.I.s used chewed gum to patch jeep tires, gas tanks, life rafts, and parts of airplanes. Wrigley advertisements recommended five sticks of gum per day for every war worker, insisting that "Factory tests show how chewing gum helps men feel better, work better."
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