Friday, Feb 19, 2010
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"Well, actually, my ma told me not to talk to strangers," Little Red Riding Hood says. "But since you are such a nice wolf, I'll tell you. I'm going to my grandma's house at the other end of the forest."
"It's so sad, but I'm not going by that way; see you some other time!!!" And with that, the sneaky, no good, Big Bad Wolf dances away to grandma's house at the other end of the forest, chuckling to himself, "Hee hee, kids nowadays, little do they know..."
So Little Red Riding Hood slowly proceeds, arriving at her grandma's house late in the afternoon. The door is ajar, and a strange deathly silence permeated the air. "Oh grandma, I'm here to visit you!!!"
"Ooooh dearie, I'm inside, sick in bed," a gruff voice replies. Little Red Riding Hood enters the house, only to see a huge *thing* lying on the bed.
"Oooh grandma, what BIG ears you have."
"Better to hear you with dear... (hee, hee)"
"Oh grandma, what BIG eyes you have."
"Better to see you with dear... (hee, hee)"
"Oooh grandma, what BIG teeth you have."
"(hee, hee) Better to EAT YOU with..." And the Big Bad Wolf leaps hungrily out of bed, ready to pounce on poor, cute, defenseless, and darling Little Red Riding Hood... Only to see her rip out a .44 Magnum from under her basket and unload four rounds, point-blank, into his belly.
"Arrrghh," the Big Bad Wolf cries in pain. "Kids nowadays. I shudaff known."
A young blonde was having problems with her first case of hemorrhoids. With all the burning, itching and swelling she didn't know what to do. She calls her older blonde friend and says, "I'm itching, burning and it's swollen - what can I do?" The older blonde says "Hehehe, you have hemorrhoids. I'll go down to the pharmacy and get you some Preparation H; that will take care of your swelling and itching. You just set still !!!!"
After about 1 hour the young blonde was still itching and burning more and more. The older blonde delivers the Preparation H and tells the young blonde "Take this and you will be better in about an hour. I'll call and check up on you in a couple of hours."
The young blonde, not reading the directions, rips open the box and swallows the whole tube, thinking this is the worst taste she has ever ran across her lips. She tries to spit it out.
The phone rings and she answers, "Ssssswwwellooooo." It's the older blonde. She asks, "So, how are your hemorrhoids??"
The young blonde replies, "They still itch and burn but I can whistle better than ever before !!!"
 Jimmyjane is a premium lifestyle brand offering massage and sexual accessories with a award winning design. Our diverse collection ranges from platinum vibrators to natural massage candles. Click the pic or copy/paste http://tinyurl.com/yjs3jpt |
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When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "But she is a dog!"
He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said, "You don't understand.... I have had Sex since I was nine years old."
He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.
I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."
He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.
The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.
He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex.
I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.
I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.
He said that I should have sold my own tickets.
"You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV."
He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.
I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."
The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her.
A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.
I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.
Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely."
And the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles.
She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies, "Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger."
The dealer replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"
The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color, Sonny."
To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?"
"No son, I want this color."
"But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.
By this time, the old lady gets very angry, and starts throwing ears of corn at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot.
One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.
The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"
Stan
Trivia
Tornadoes seem to be an almost-exclusive North American phenomena -- they occur more often in the U.S. than anywhere else in the world.
Brazil is a land with a lot of big creatures -- it is home to the world's largest snake (the anaconda, measuring up to 35 feet in length), largest spider, largest rodent (the capybara, a sort of guinea pig the size of a police dog), and the world's largest ant.
New footage of the 1931 horror classic, Frankenstein, was found in January 1986. It depicted the monster, played by Boris Karloff, throwing a girl into a lake and showed a hypodermic needle in the monster's arm. The scenes had been excised because they were considered too shocking for provincial 1930's audiences. They have since been put back in and the film has been re-released.
Eighty percent of the world's rose species come from Asia.
Smileys are tiny pictures made from ordinary ASCII characters that are meant to be looked at with the head tilted to the left.
Smileys came about when e-mail correspondents felt the need to convey emotional content such as sarcasm, laughter and other feelings as part of their messages.
Without smileys, simple statements could easily be misinterpreted:
You're an idiot! :-)
Sometime during 1981, Scott Fahlman, who is now a Principle Research Scientist in the School of Computer Science at Carnegie Mellon University, devised a scheme for encoding and conveying one's feelings as small text "glyphs" to overcome this frustration.
Scott was the first to use smileys in electronic mail and in posts to BBS message boards and Internet newsgroups, as well as in personal e-mail.
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