Saturday, Feb 20, 2010
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Harry and Rachel are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary at the Fontainbleau and it's a hell of a party: champagne, caviar, toasts by all of their best friends who've assembled for the occasion. Finally, tired and happy, the couple retires to their luxurious suite.
"Rachel," says Harry, "you know, this would be the perfect evening if only..."
"Oh, Harry," sighs Rachel, "I thought you got over that years ago. You know I don't like it."
"But, Rachel, it's such a special night. Just this once..."
"Harry, you know how I feel about this sort of thing."
"I know, I know," pleads Harry, "but you know how much it'll mean to me."
So Rachel finally goes down on him. Just as she's finishing up, the phone rings.
Harry gets up on one elbow and says, "Answer the phone, cocksucker."
I just got back from a sailing holiday where I remembered this true tale you might be interested in.
A friend was looking for a second hand boat (a Laser) to buy, when he hit on a great idea...
At his sailing club (the Queen Mary in London) there was a large trailer park and a smaller yard where the management put trailers and boats if the owner didn't pay their membership for 12 months. The Queen Mary club is very big and at the time there were three or four Lasers in this yard that judging from their condition hadn't been sailed for at least a year.
My friend took down the numbers of these boats and asked the club secretary for the owners address so that he could make them an offer. The first chap he rang said he wasn't interested in selling as he was going to sail it himself "one of these days".
He then rang the second owner who lived about 100 miles away. A woman answered the phone and confirmed that they did still own the Laser. My friend explained that he had seen it in the defaulters yard and that as it clearly hadn't been sailed for a year - did she think her husband would be interested in selling?
"Oh no" she said "there must be some mistake - come rain or shine my husband spends one weekend a month in London sailing..."
I bet he had some explaining to do when he got home!
Two female co-workers are having a conversation at work. - Did you have good sex last night?
No. It was a disaster... Husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in 4 minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in 2 minutes. How about you?
Oh it was amazing... My husband came home. He took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we took a walk for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. After foreplay we had an hour long fantastic sex and after sex we talked for an hour. It was like in a fairytale.
At the same time their husbands are talking at work. - Did you have good sex last night?
Yes, it was great! I came home dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. What about you?
It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity cause I didn't pay the bill. In return I had to take my wife out to dinner and the dinner was so expensive that we didn't have money for a cab so we had to walk home for an hour. I was so angry when we came home that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't cum for another hour. After I finally did I was so mad and aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep for another hour. <
Tom, who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied on an outpost in Wasilla, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife," Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!' And with that he dropped his pants and shorts and stood before her in his altogether. "Now watch," he said. Next he said," Dick, ten-HUT!" And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said," Dick, at EASE!" And his dick deflated again. " Wow, that was amazing, "said his wife." Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? Its really something else!" Tom responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking blond with big tits and tight jeans, who got this guys full attention!
"Joanie, this is my husband Tom, he has something to demonstrate." After a brief pause to take her in, he drops his pants and said," Now watch this." Then he said" Dick, ten-HUT!" And the dick sprang to life. Then it was" Dick, at EASE!" But nothing happened. So the guy again said," Dick, at EASE!" But still nothing happened. So the guy now says," For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!" Still nothing. Well, the guy was embarrassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating. "What in the world are you doing?" She asked. The guy says," I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!"
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Thinking to myself that no human being could possibly do this without acquiring at least one other undesirable habit for compensation, I jokingly asked her, "What did he start doing instead of these things?"
After a slight pause, she smiled and said, "Well, my sister is pregnant now."
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood- curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.
"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"
A beautiful young woman is getting dressed for work one morning in her high-rise apartment building. She glances out her fiftieth-story bedroom window and sees a window washer outside. Thinking she will rattle him, she slowly takes off her dress.
The window washer just goes about the business of cleaning the windows. Next, she removes her slip in a very provocative manner. Still, the man just keeps working away. Taking her striptease to the full extent, she takes off her bra and panties and begins parading around her room. The window washer still takes no notice of her.
Finally, the woman walks over to the window and just stands there, totally naked, staring at the man outside her window. At last the window washer puts down his pail and says, "What's the matter, lady, haven't you ever seen a window washer before?"
Classic Signs That Show You Are A Redneck
* You use 'fix' as a verb . . . example: "I'ma fixin' to go to the store."
* You see people wearing bib overalls at funerals.
* Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
* Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
* "Vacation" means going to the family reunion.
* You measure distance in minutes.
* All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal.
* You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.
* You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
There was once an accounting firm where the senior CPA knew every thing there was to know about accounting. He could answer any question. He knew all the tax laws: There wasn't a better accountant anywhere.
Every morning when he came to work, he would unlock his desk drawer, open it up and look inside for a minute, and then close and lock it again.
This puzzled all of his co-workers, because it was the only eccentricity that this person exhibited. They tried many times to look over his shoulder, or get into his desk when he wasn't there, without success.
One day when the elderly man was sitting at his desk, going over an account, he suffered a heart attack and died. This upset everyone tremendously. However, now that he was gone, the other members of the firm could finally see what was in the drawer.
After obtaining the keys, they unlocked the desk drawer and cautiously peeked inside. They found one sheet of paper, and written in large letters was:
"DEBITS ON THE LEFT... CREDITS ON THE RIGHT"
One Liners
ABC Sex: Sex only on Anniversaries, Birthdays and Christmas
If you see something on TV with a good cast, bright plot and clever dialog, it's probably a commercial.
Constipation: To have and to hold.
The term "happy-go-lucky" has been in existence since 1665.
Confucius: Woman who bake beans and pees in same pot very unsanitary.
The economy is so bad, a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico!
My friend is a procrastinator. He's afraid of Saturday the 14th.
A female personnel director became very embarrassed when interviewing a male job applicant, she asked her assistant, "Do I have an opening this man will fit?"
An elderly playboy we know has catalogued the three stages of a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly, Try Weakly.
Being a premature ejaculator has its advantages. I made ten sex line phone calls last month, and the total bill is just two dollars.
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