Sunday, Feb 21, 2010
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The old sub-sailor, Harold was a Retired Navy Chief Engineman. He was sick and was in the VA hospital. Anyway, there was this one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for our bath, or are we hungry?"
Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Harold had received breakfast, and pulled the apple juice off his breakfast tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had just been given a urine bottle to fill for testing. So, you know where the juice went. Well, the nurse came in a little later and picked up the urine bottle.
She looks at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today.." At this, the Chief snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top, and drinks it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better this time." The nurse fainted...... Harold just smiled......Typical Chief!
There's a new virus. The code name is "WORK." If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else -- do not touch WORK under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely. <
If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks -- and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your brain.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.
Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your whole life.
If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry.
I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive -- so I'm headed for the bar anyway. Never hurts to be safe.
Down on luck
Ned was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He had gambled away all his money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room.
The stall happened to be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings and went to the blackjack table and turned his small winnings into ten million dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible story. He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man he would share his fortune with him.
After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the dime."
"You're not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for the guy who left the stall door open!"
THE HUSBAND
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
The wife replied, "The f_ _ _ _ _ _ funeral director would be my first guess."
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Both products tend to act together and magnify the effects of the other.
The researchers have concluded that the result is that you end up both coming and going at the same time.
It *really* gets complicated when Prozac is taken with the other drugs, because then, you really don't give a shit if your comming or going.
Hampster
Thorn was trying real hard to get the best-looking cheerleader in school to go out on a date with him. She finally agreed, but only on condition that he arrange a date for her best friend too. That was fine with Thorn, but when Friday night came around he hadn't been able to line anyone up so he asked his retarded brother Futhman if he would help him out. "Why sure," said Futhman, "but you know, I've never been out with a girl before."
"No problem," said Thorn. "Just do everything I do."
Off the four of them go to the drive-in, and when Thorn started kissing his date, Futhman followed suit. Soon Thorn had the cheerleader's bra undone, so Futhman undid his date's. Next, Thorn was feeling inside her panties, but when Futhman tried to follow suit, his date told him to quit.
"Why?" asked Futhman, anxiously noting that his brother was getting quite a head start in the front seat.
"I have my period," she said.
"You're what?"
"I'm bleeding down there," she explained, blushing.
"This I gotta see," said Futhman. He turned on the headlights, dragged his date out in front of the car, and pulled down her pants. White-faced, he said, "Hell, I'd be bleeding too, if my dick were chopped off!"
The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.
The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:
"DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT I SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVOCAIN IN THE K-Y JELLY!"
Dear Dr. Dover:
I wish to apply for an operation to cut my nuts and make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.
After getting married here in West Virginia I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?
A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant.
A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy... but the wife got pregnant yet again.
Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant again.
I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies.
We tried the coil next but that didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.
The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.
You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing.
Yours sincerely,
Bubba Brickhead
Morgantown, West Virginia
Stan
One Liners
Okay, so the Viagra my boyfriend took was still having an effect hours later -- does that give him the right to go running to the emergency room asking to see the head nurse?
I used to be a necrophiliac sadist who was into bestiality but I stopped as it was too much like flogging a dead horse.
The waitress at the Greek beanery married the boss, and they seemed quite happy. But one day she sued him for divorce. Her charge: He was indifferent.
I think condoms should come with a warning label: "May contain nut products."
What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting? Sticks it in Olive Oyl.
What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? Well Hung.
What do you call a prostitute with her hand in her panties? Self employed.
What do you get if you cross a whore and a computer? A fuckin' know-it-all.
The economy is so bad, Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen!
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