Monday, Feb 22, 2010
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Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat.
My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?"
"Yes, I sure do," I replied.
"You a Republican or Democrat," asked the old man.
"Democrat," I replied.
"Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.
Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.
Again, I gave the same answer, "Democrat."
The driver gave me the finger and drove off.
I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Democrats.
The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.
She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat.
"Republican!", I shouted.
"Hop in!", replied the blonde.
Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher andhigher up her thighs.
Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car."
She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.
"What's the matter?", she asked.
"I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Republican for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody."
The pastor of a church was taking his first trip away on a Sunday, and he asked another pastor to come in and preach the service for him. The substitute pastor agreed to come.; He was quite young, just out of seminary, and this was his first time preaching.
When he got up to speak on Sunday, he tried to explain to the congregation why he'd come, and give them some comfort about it.; He pointed up to the stained glass windows to illustrate this.; "You see where there's a missing pane, and there's a piece of cardboard over it?; That's sort of what I'm doing.; I'm just filling in the space until your pastor returns."
He went on about this a little bit, then went into his sermon.; The young substitute pastor gave a wonderful, inspired talk that Sunday.
After the service, a lovely old woman came up to him, took his hand, and said, "Pastor, don't you ever let anyone say that you're like that piece of cardboard.; Believe me, you are the real pane!"
A guy sitting in Danny's Bar at Singapore's Changi Airport noticed a very beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself, Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Oh shit, she doesn't work for Delta".
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."
This time the woman turned on him "What the f XXk do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair,and said,
"Ahhhhh, QANTAS !!!"
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But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?
M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking??
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
Trivia
Why is snow white?
Bright marshmallow-colored snow blinds us with its gleaming white color because it reflects beams of white light. Instead of absorbing light, snow's complex structure prevents the light from shining through its lattice formation.
A beam of white sunlight entering a snow bank is so quickly scattered by a zillion ice crystals and air pockets that most of the light comes bouncing right back out of the snow bank. What little sunlight is absorbed by snow is absorbed equally over the wavelengths of visible light thus giving snow its white appearance.
So while many natural objects get their blue, red, and yellow colors from absorbing light, snow is stuck with its white color because it reflects light.
Snow can actually be seen in several different colors. Snow can be red if the air during the snow formation contains red dust particles. Snowflakes forming around these tainted dust particles take on a reddish color. Red snow is found in those parts of Europe where the air is filled with dust particles from the red sands of the Sahara desert. In addition, certain types of algae stain snow yellow, purple, orange, green, and red. In fact, some people believe that the red algae that taints snow red actually looks and tastes like watermelon!
According to the General Telephone Company of Pennsylvania, the typical American spends an average of one year of his or her life speaking on the telephone.
"Almost" is the longest word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order.
Only one person ever won an Oscar by a write-in. In 1934 and 1935, write-in votes were permitted and Hal Mohr won an Oscar for Cinematography in 1935 for his work on "A Midsummer Night's Dream" as a write-in. 1935 was the last year such votes were permitted.
A typical bed usually houses over 6 billion dust mites.
Amazon ants (red ants found in the western U.S.) steal the larvae of other ants to keep as slaves. The slave ants build homes for and feed the Amazon ants, who cannot do anything but fight. They depend completely on their slaves for survival.
Ants are social insects and live in colonies which may have as many as 500,000 individuals.
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