Tuesday, Feb 23, 2010
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"Excuse me phoning, but I am very worried about my husband. He can't remember anything about his session with you. What did you do to him?"
"I am sure there is nothing to worry about," suavely replied the hypnotherapist, "It is quite normal to have amnesia for the hypnotic experience. Your husband was suffering from a mild endogenous depression and so I simply repeated to him in a trance that he would be 'Better and Better Every Day, Better and Better in Every Way.' It is an excellent technique. I can't see that anything can go wrong. What exactly are you worried about?"
"I see. Did you know he was a little deaf?"
"Yes, but that has nothing to do with his depression."
"But I think it may have a lot to do with the new problem. Since you saw him he has lost a fortune BETTING... every day and in every way!"
In the days of the Depression, a family had trapped a few ducks. As they needed some things only money could buy, the father requested his three sons take a duck each and travel off trying to sell them. They agreed and headed off on seperate ways.
The youngest of them knocked on the door of a nearby farm house and a shapely young blonde farm girl answered the door.
"S'cuse me ma'am" said the guy. "I'm wunderin' if y'd be intrested in buyin this here duck frum me". The women replied "I'd sure like me that plump duck to cook fur our supper, but I aint got no money to spare". "How about a fuck for it?" she asked. The man didn't hesitate and replied "Sure!".
After they'd done the deal, the lonely farm girl said "If'n yer fuck me again - ya can have the duck back".
So he did, and afterwards headed off along the road with the duck still under his arm. Soon a large truck roared past the man which frightened the duck so much that it jumped out of his arms and right under the wheels where it was squashed.
The truck driver stopped and got out to speak with the man who explained that he was out trying to get money for his family by selling the duck. The truck driver felt remorse and offered the guy a dollar for his trouble. The man agreed and headed for home with the money in his pocket.
That evening as they all gathered around the table, the father asked them how they did.
The first son replied "I done good pa, I got me three dollars fur my duck".
The second son replied "I done better 'n him pa, I got five dollars".
Then the third son leaned back in his chair showing a cheeky grin and said "I done better 'n all uf yers, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck and a buck for a fucked up duck!".
100 mph goat
Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in the hole".
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they here a rustling in the brush behind them.
As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, and jumped in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' abouta hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission
Ron
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Twin sisters in St. Luke's Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.
The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100-year-old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."
So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him.
"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card; you can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours - you haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day
Trivia
The fastest -moving land snail, the common garden snail, has a speed of 0.0313 mph.
The first house rats recorded in America appeared in Boston in 1775.
The giant squid is the largest creature without a backbone. It weighs up to 2.5 tons and grows up to 55 feet long. Each eye is a foot or more in diameter.
The harmless Whale Shark, holds the title of largest fish, with the record being a 59 footer captured in Thailand in 1919.
The hummingbird is the only bird that can hover and fly straight up, down, or backward!
The average human head has about 100,000 hairs
The US President's Cabinet is composed of: the Attorney General, the Secretary of State, the Secretary of Treasury, the Secretary of Defense, the Secretary of Agriculture, the Secretary of Interior, the Secretary of Commerce, the Secretary of Health/Human Services, the Secretary of Housing/Urban Development, the Secretary of Labor, the Secretary of Transportation, the Secretary of Energy, the Secretary of Veterans Affairs, the Secretary of Homeland Security, and the Secretary of Education.
The vocabulary of the average person consists of 5,000 to 6,000 words.
Three chemicals are used to execute criminals by lethal injection. First, Sodium Thiopental is injected, causing the inmate to fall into a deep sleep. The second chemical agent, Pancuronium Bromide, a muscle relaxer, follows. This causes the inmate to stop breathing due to paralyses of the diaphragm and lungs. Finally, Potassium Chloride is injected, stopping the heart
The Gothic-style Washington National Cathedral contains the remains of the only US president buried in Washington: Woodrow Wilson. William Howard Taft and John F. Kennedy are buried at Arlington National Cemetery in Arlington, VA.
US Presidents who died on July 4th: John Adams and Thomas Jefferson died in 1826, James Monroe died in 1831.
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