Wednesday, Feb 24, 2010
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I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister..
Well, I was in tot al shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.; To my surprise, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:;; Always keep your condoms in your car.
willpolk07
The story goes that four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth.
One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1 majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a *higher* authority.
"Oh, Lord!" he cried.; "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong!; Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day.; As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four.; It rumbled once and dissolved.
"A sign from God!; See, I'm right, I knew it!"
But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong.; So please, Lord, a bigger sign!"
This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.
"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi.
But his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
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The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"
The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.
The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"
She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."
"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"
The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."
The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"
The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."
"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."
That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.
She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."
The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.
Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow! She's going to let the County bury her!"
VIAGRA
A man gets his new prescription for Viagra, and starts home to get ready for when his wife gets home.
He calls her on the phone, and she says, "I'll be home in an hour." "Perfect," he thinks.
The Doctor told him to tak Viagra an hour before, so he takes the Viagra and waits.
Well, an hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife... She calls him on the cell phone and says, "Traffic is terrible.
I won't be there for about an hour."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice.
"I've got a hard-on a cat couldn't scratch off and my wife won't be home for another hour! What should I do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?" "Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."
Trivia
The sound a camel makes is called "nuzzing".
Air pollution may contribute to two percent of all deaths in the US, some 50,000 cases per year. A nine-year study of US cities showed a strong correlation between death rates and periods of significant pollution.
America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.
Barbers at one time combined shaving and haircutting with bloodletting and pulling teeth. The white stripes on a field of red that spiral down a barber pole represent the bandages used in the bloodletting.
Based on a US Justice Department study conducted between 1992 and 1996, workplace violence troubles 1.7 million Americans a year. Number of workers attacked or threatened per thousand: Police officers: 306, Private security guards: 218, Taxi drivers: 184, Prison guards: 117, Bartenders: 91, Mental health professionals: 80, Gas station attendants: 79.
Catholic Popes who died during sex: Leo VII (936-9) died of a heart attack, John VII (955-64) was bludgeoned to death by the husband of the woman he was with at the time, John XIII (965-72) was also murdered by a jealous husband, Pope Paul II (1467-71) allegedly died while being sodomized by a page boy.
London's finest, known as Bobbies, were named after Robert Peel, who was born on this day in 1788, in Lancashire, England.
Robert aka Bobbie Peel was an English statesman who first established the Irish constabulary. The people commonly called this police organization `Peelers' after Mr. Peel.
Then, when Robert Peel became Home Secretary of England, he reorganized the London police. It was 1829 and London's populace had grown to the point that it needed an organized police force to question travelers after dark, hold all suspicious persons and quell any disturbances. (There were already special police to guard docks and markets and to serve notices and warrants.) Peel organized a paid and trained force for day and night duty called the Metropolitan Police of London. Once again, the people nicknamed the police after Peel.
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