Friday, Feb 26, 2010
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He was slow to ask what she'd dreamed about. So, she quickly went on to tell him that it had included both of them, without any of his prodding. "I dreamed that you found a much younger woman, and that you threw me out!" She blurted out impetuously. Then adding in a sort of a cynical way, "Of course in just a few days, you came crawling back, and asked me to come back, tired of her whiny ways!" "And of course I told you to bite it!" She added forcefully.
He paused a minute before saying "That wasn't very nice of you!" After a minute, he thoughtfully asked her "How old was she?"
"How old do you want her to be?" She responded nastily.
"Nineteen!" He quickly answered.
"Okay, she was nineteen!" She meekly returned.
He thought about that for a long moment, before asking again "What did she look like?"
Now becoming just a little frustrated with him and his cavalier attitude, she answered, "I wasn't focused on that, I was thinking about my own situation and my own feelings" as she looked intently toward him.
He rolled back in his chair, staring into space and said, "Hell, if she's nineteen, who cares what she looks like!"
An acquaintance of mine, whose daughter was about to be married, decided to give her a diamond ring that had been in the family for several generations. The stone had never been appraised, so the father asked a gemologist friend if she would take a look at it. She agreed, but said that, instead of a fee she would accept lunch at one of Houston's finer restaurants.
A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat sipping a glass of Chablis, he showed her the ring. She took out her jeweler's loupe, examined the diamond carefully and handed it back.
"Wow," said a diner who had been watching from the next table.
"These Texas women are tough!"
A salesman was transferred to another area. He loved to bird hunt and asked his associates if there was somewhere near by where he could hunt. One of the other salesman said there was a retired salesman who lived on a farm a few miles outside of town and, if you rented his dog, he guarantees you will get your limit.
The next weekend, the salesman went to the farm and asked if he could rent the man's dog and hunt on his land. "Sure" the retired salesman said. "His name is Salesman. Call him Salesman and tell him what you want to hunt" "I feel stupid talking to a dog,"
the salesman replied. "Don't knock it until you try it." The man replied. The salesman took the dog out to a field and said "Salesman, I want to hunt pheasant."
The dog promptly started flushing up pheasant after pheasant until he got his limit. The salesman was impressed but sure that pheasant was all the dog was trained to hunt.
"Salesman, I want to hunt quail." He said to the dog. To his utter amazement, the dog flushed up quail after quail until he had his limit. Bringing the dog back to his owner the salesman said "This is the most amazing dog I have every seen. I am coming back to rent Salesman again next weekend!" The next weekend the salesman went back to the farm to rent the dog. "Sorry, the dog is ruined" the man said sadly.
"Why? Did someone shoot him?" the salesman replied. "No but I'm fixin' to." The man replied. "Somebody came out to rent the dog and I told him like I told you. Call him Salesman and tell him what you want to hunt. Well the darned fool called him Sales Manager and now all he will do is sit on his butt and bark at the other animals all day long.
A white guy is involved in a horrible car accident and is partly mangled in the wreckage. Among the other injuries, and perhaps the most traumatic, was that his penis had been severed. Anyway, a few days later in the hospital once his condition was stabilized, a doctor came to see him about picking out a new penis to be sewn on later.
"Wow, I didn't even know they could do that," said the patient.
"Well, all you have to do is look through this catalog and pick the one you want and we can take care of the rest," the doctor assured him.
So, the guy starts flipping through the catalog and finds some prospects in the first few pages. As he gets near the end though, he comes across some abnormally large options. "Man! I didn't know they got that big!" he cried. Then turned the page and again, "Holy shit, that's even bigger!"
The next page had an even bigger member that he could choose. Filled with excitement he yells down the hall, "Hey Doc, do any of these big ones come in white?"
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She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again."
He says, "What do you want from my life? Give me back da party."
She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."
He says, "Operator, ya know what? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-where!" And he hangs up.
Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."
He says, "Why?"
They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."
He says, "Wait a minute, what's da rush, what's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-where?"
She says, "Yes?"
He says, "Well, get ready -- they're bringin' it to ya!"
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.'
Hampster
Trivia
10 percent of all human beings ever born are alive at this very moment.
A person afflicted with hexadectylism has six fingers or six toes on one or both hands and feet.
A poll of 3,000 Americans found that for 41 percent, the thing they're most afraid of is speaking before a group of people. 32 percent stated they were afraid of heights.
A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.
About 10% of the world's population is left-handed.
There are 17 recognized species of walnuts -- all are edible. “Persians” are considered the most tasty.
In 435 B.C., the Greek philosopher Anaxagoras suggested that the sun was not just a small glowing circle of light.
He maintained
that it was a glowing rock a hundred miles across. For that outrageous statement, he was exiled from Athens.
The first Siamese cat in the United States is reported to have been a gift to President Rutherford B. Hayes. In the early 1900's, a Siamese could cost more than $1,000---quite a lot of money in those days.
It is NOT the clock, and NOT the tower, but the bell that strikes the hour. That's "Big Ben". It weighs thirteen tons and is named for Sir Benjamin Hall, who was the commissioner of works, when it was installed.
40 percent of the almonds in the world are used by manufacturers of chocolate.
Cattle branding was practiced 4,000 years ago. Old tomb paintings show Egyptians branding their fat, spotted cattle.
It is estimated that the average person living in North America opens the fridge 22 times daily.
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