Saturday, Feb 27, 2010
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During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine.
In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles, etc.)
An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.
In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!
Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.
At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.
Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.
HAVE A GREAT DAY... .and wash your damn hands
Adrian
Anyone who's ever been to a "teaching hospital" knows to expect a group of students to descend upon them at any time.
At one such hospital, in the recovery room, a bunch of students gathered around a beautiful blonde who, even in a gown, was obviously very well endowed.
Recovery is an excellent place for student doctors to become familiar with variations in heartbeats while the body comes back to normal from the operation and the anesthesia.
The first student approached the patient calmly and proceeded to listen intently to her heartbeat through the stethoscope.
The group was silent as he did so.
The woman hesitated, then looked sympathetically into the eyes of the doctor-to-be. Reaching up, she gently placed the earpieces into his ears.
Abraham is an old Jewish guy who is a yarn merchant. He lives next door to the biggest anti-Semite in town.
One day the anti-Semite calls up Abraham and says, "Hey Jew!!!... I need a piece of orange yarn. The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow."
Abe says, "OK."
The next morning the Anti-Semite is awakened at 7am by the sound of running engines. He runs outside to see a row trucks lined up one after the other, dumping truckful after truckful of orange yarn in his front yard. Soon ,his yard is a 5-feet deep sea in orange yarn. Abe then presents a bill for $18,000 to the anti-Semite.
The guy starts yelling and screaming at Abe. "What is this, Jew? This is not what I asked for! I told you I needed a piece of yarn from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place! What do you have to say for yourself?"
Straightfaced, Abe replies "I'm very careful when I deal with people like you, that's why I got a few witnesses here with me. I may be off by a few miles, so I gave you a 2% discount; but... the tip of my penis was left in Poland after my circumcision!"
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Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall and watch as Sarah, in her prettiest dress, tickles the ivories to rapturous applause.
Then Mikey steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to the delight of the audience.
Finally, out comes Johnny, in checked shirt and denim overalls. He steps up to the microphone and says: "Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every holiday my family visits him there. His wife, my aunt Martha, always cooks a real down-home country meal for us all, and we feast and stuff ourselves silly, for days on end. Tonight, I would like to share with you my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my uncle's farm. Here is the first: "Johnny! Why don't you get your ass off the shitter and give someone else a chance?!""
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'
Dottie Lee
One Liners
I don't think my sister's marriage will last. Her new husband has a foot fetish, and on their honeymoon, he got off on the wrong foot.
Conversation between wife and husband over chessboard: "This reminds me when we were dating." "We never played chess in those days, Gladys." "No, but even then it took you two hours to make a move."
Did you hear about the prostitute who was into bondage? She was strapped for cash.
Two lesbians who would like to have a child visit the local adoption agency. The agency does some background research. When they are completed, the couple returns and is told, "Sorry, we don't give minors to lickers
What do you call a faggot in the navy? A Rear Admiral.
What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
What do a Speedo and a cheap hotel have in common? No ball room.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember the Fire Department uses water.
Band Members do it with rhythm
Sometimes a woman attracts a man with her mind, but more often she attracts him with what she doesn't mind.
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