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The Vet
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate, he stated.
'Why yes, she replied, every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church'
The pastor replied, 'That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?'
The elderly woman answered, $10,000 a week.'
The pastor was amazed, your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?
'He is a veterinarian, she answered.
'That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money, the pastor said.
'Where does he practice?'
The woman answered proudly, in Nevada , he has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno .
Ron
The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.
The guide, holding a net, yelled, "look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"
"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"
"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster. "Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."
"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"
"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a Son of a Bitch!"
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"
"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"
"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch."
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?"
"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishops' dinner."
"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"
"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish".
"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"
"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.
The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.
"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.
The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.
The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!"
The new Bishop looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said, "You fuckers are my kind of people."
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A country doctor was able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay, the rich man said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it, and if it is humanly possible, I'll get it for you."
"Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs, that would be fine."
With that, the doctor left. The doctor didn't hear from the millionaire for some months. Then one day, he got a phone call from him.
"Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of them didn't have swimming pools, and I didn't think they were good enough for you. So I had pools installed, and they're all ready for you now!"
Hangover Rating System One Star Hangover (*) No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavoured schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.
(For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...
Once there was a man in a restaurant. He ordered a hamburger and got it 5 minutes later. He was fixing to eat it when he noticed a hair in it. He took it to the counter and demanded another, so they got him a new one.
He went back to his seat and was getting ready to eat it when he noticed another hair. He took it back to the counter and demanded a hamburger WITHOUT hair, so they got a new one.
He went back to his seat and was getting ready to eat this one. He saw ANOTHER hair and was outraged. He demanded to see how they were making their hamburgers.
They took him back to the grills and there was an extremely large fat hairy Swedish man making hamburger under his armpits.
The man exclaimed "That's DISGUSTING!!!"
The clerk replied " If you think that's disgusting, you should see the way he makes donuts."
Bar
A guy walks into a bar and orders three whiskey sours, drinks them down BAM! BAM! BAM! Then he orders three more.
The bartender's having a slow night and appreciates the business, but is also concerned.
"Hey buddy, slow down. What seems to be the problem?""
The guy answers, "I went on a week-long business trip, and had to leave my wife alone. I've had my suspicions about our next-door neighbor, so I hung a weight from the bottom of the bedspring just above a bowl of cream.
The bartender nods sympathetically and pours the guy another. "So you came home and found cream on the weight?"
The guy downs his fourth whiskey sour and says, "It's worse than that.
The cream had been churned into butter."
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple.' The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America '. We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.' 'We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again.’ Again my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I SHOUTED at her, “What’s wrong with you, woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you $%#@! crazy?” She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'
And from that moment on.... We have lived happily ever after.
Trivia
Married women were forbidden by law to watch, let alone compete, in the ancient Olympics. The penalty was death. The Greeks believed that the presence of wives in Olympia would defile Greece’s oldest religious shrine there, although young girls were allowed in. Ironically, the shrine that was off-limits to married women was dedicated to a woman, the fertility goddess Rhea, who was the mother of the supreme god Zeus. Women who broke the rule were thrown from a nearby cliff.
Fire walking is a religious ceremony practiced in many parts of the world, including the Indian subcontinent, Malaya, Japan, China, Fiji Islands, Tahiti, Society Islands, New Zealand, Mauritius, Bulgaria, and Spain. It was also practiced in classical Greece and in ancient India and China. The most common practice is of walking swiftly over a layer of embers spread thinly along the bottom of a shallow trench. Sometimes the devotees or priests walk through a blazing log fire. Instead of embers from a wood fire, in Fiji and Mauritius there may be red-hot stones, or embers may be poured over the devotee's head in a "fire bath."
In December 1997, the state of Nevada became the first state to pass legislation categorizing Y2K data disasters as "acts of God" – protecting the state from lawsuits that may potentially be brought against it by residents in the year 2000.
In December 1998, The Orlando Sentinel reported that undercover law enforcement agents in Mississauga, Ontario, Canada, cited the Champion House Restaurant for serving them a bowl of bear paw soup, thereby violating protected-species laws. For this crime, the restaurant was fined $2,600 and its owner’s son was fined $650.
In December 2000, China's legislature passed a law against online subversion, ratifying the government's escalating efforts to extend its political controls into cyberspace. Several months earlier, the first dissident Web site in China was shut down and police hunted for its organizers, a human rights group and the firm that hosted the site, called the New Culture Forum.
French law stipulates that to be called “Roquefort,” a cheese must come only from that village in France, but the name is used, imitated, and abused widely.
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