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Signs That You're Not Romantic
You ask the waiter for a seat near the kitchen so it minimizes the time it takes for your food to arrive.
She doesn't like the "I'm The Property of Jason" t-shirt you got her for your anniversary.
You take your date out for dinner that consists of a coupon for free nachos and half price on drinks.
Her candlelight dinners really irritate you 'cause it's so hard to read the sports-page while eating.
You apologize with a dozen dandelions.
After a romantic dinner, you offer to do the dishes by letting the dog lick the plates.
You consider pig Latin the "language of love".
Some say it with flowers; you say it with spark plugs.
When your boyfriend got down on one knee and proposed, you said, "Shhh!... talk to me during the commercial."
"I thought cubic zirconium looked prettier than real diamonds."
Candle
Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.
"Hello," said the Father, "And how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?"
She replied "Aye, that you did, Father."
"And be there any little ones yet?"
"No, not yet, Father," said she.
"Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."
"Oh, thank you, Father." And away she went.
Some years later they met again.
"Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "How are you?"
"Oh, very well," said she.
"And tell me," he said, "Have you any little ones yet?"
"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - ten in all."
"Now isn't that wonderful," he said. "And how is your lovely husband?"
"Oh," she said, "e's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin candle."
A man has been shipwrecked on a desert island for ten years. Then one day he is down at the shoreline when he spots a ship on the horizon. He frantically waves his arms and jumps up and down shouting, until hespies a rowboat being let down into the water from the ship. About ten minutes later the rowboat reaches the shore carrying a man in a captain's uniform.
"Thank Christ for that!" says our shipwrecked hero, "I thought I was never going to be rescued."
"How long have you been here?" asks the Captain.
"Ten years, ten long years" replies the man.
"Ten years?" says the Captain "How have you coped all that time on your own?"
"Well, I'm quite a resourceful fellow, I've built my own house;there it is, over there, Number 1!"
"But ten years!" says the Captain, "ten years without sex!"
"Ahhhh, well..... that's not quite true" says the man shyly.
"What do you mean?" inquires the Captain.
"Well, about six months ago I was down here on the shore washing my feet, when I noticed an ostrich up the beach with it's head buried in the sand and it's ass facing me. Well, I thought it's been nine and a half years, so I crept up behind it and WALLOP!"
"Oh God, that must have been disgusting!" cries the genuinely shocked Captain.
"Well, it was alright for the first five miles, but then we got out of step."
Out-of-town buddy
Charles was taking his out-of-town buddy Clyde on a walking tour of the city. Clyde saw a good-looking girl and asked Charles if he knew her.
"Yes, that's Jacqueline -- one hundred and twenty dollars."
A little further along, Clyde spotted an even more stunning girl and asked if Charles happened to know her also.
"Yes, that Rosalynn -- one hundred and eighty dollars."
After the process was repeated twice more, Clyde remarked, "Good Heavens! Aren't there any respectable women in this city?"
"Of course!" replied Charles, highly offended. "But you couldn't afford them either."
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"How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"
"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight."
The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call Morty at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."
"Morty?" said the housewife. "Who's Morty?"
"Why, Morty! Your husband! ....Is this 555-1374?
"No, this is 555-1375."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."
There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"
Wine
A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton.
The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting.
The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud. "This is not the 1928 Mouton."
The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton. Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.
"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine."
Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."
Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.' The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.' After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.' The woman said, 'I don't want any of them sleeping with your father after I'm gone.' Now, that's 'Putting Your Affairs In Order'
My journal of 2008 January: Had to take my Christmas scarf back to store -- it was way too tight!
February: Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. I really tried, but those bottles wouldn't fit in the typewriter!
March: Exciting success! I finished the jigsaw puzzle I got for Christmas after only two-and-a-half months -- even the box said "2-4 years"!
April: Missed the deadline for filing income tax due to being trapped on escalator for several hours on my way to the post office (the power went out!)
May: Tried to make Kool-Aid, but the instructions were wrong -- 8 cups of water simply do not fit into those little packets!
June: Tried to go water skiing, but I couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July: Lost breast-stroke swimming competition. Learned later the other swimmers cheated: they used their arms!
August: Got locked out of my car in huge rain storm. Car interior ruined because convertible top was down.
September: Missed getting on "Jeopardy" because I missed the first test question. I was sure the capital of California is "C"!
October: Realized I hate M&M's -- they are too hard to peel.
November: Thanksgiving turkey ruined, even though I followed the directions perfectly (instructions said 1 hour per pound, and I weigh 118. I know you have to prepare big dinners in advance, but 5 days is ridiculous!)
December: Fell off step stool while decorating Christmas tree, but couldn't call 911 -- there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!
All in all, 2008 was a terrible year. I sure hope 2009 is better.
Trivia
China’s Beijing Duck Restaurant can seat 9,000 people at one time.
Chocolate contains phenylethylamine (PEA), a natural substance that is reputed to stimulate the same reaction in the body as falling in love.
Chocolate manufacturers currently use 40 percent of the world's almonds and 20 percent of the world's peanuts.
During the Alaskan Klondike gold rush, (1897-1898) potatoes were practically worth their weight in gold. Potatoes were so valued for their vitamin C content that miners traded gold for potatoes.
During World War II, bakers in the United States were ordered to stop selling sliced bread for the duration of the war on January 18, 1943. Only whole loaves were made available to the public. It was never explained how this action helped the war effort. In the US, Delaware, Virginia and Michigan rank as the top three states for Ritalin use, and most of the prescriptions are for elementary and middle school age children. Doctors in these states prescribe at least 33 grams for every 1,000 residents, 56 percent more than the national average, according to figures compiled by the Federal Drug Enforcement Agency.
Methylphenidate (Ritalin) is a medication prescribed for individuals (usually children) who have an abnormally high level of activity or attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). According to the National Institute of Mental Health, about 3 to 5 percent of the general population has the disorder, which is characterized by agitated behavior and an inability to focus on tasks. Methylphenidate also is occasionally prescribed for treating narcolepsy. Methylphenidate is a central nervous system (CNS) stimulant. It has effects similar to, but more potent than, caffeine and less potent than amphetamines. It has a notably calming effect on hyperactive children and a "focusing" effect on those with ADHD. There are approximately 9,000 taste buds on the tongue.
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