Saturday, Jul 3, 2010
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Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."
Paul readily agreed and the palm reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."
"That's true," said Paul.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from the 'love line' on my palm?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses."
A help desk operator takes a call from a hysterical secretary. It seems she was playing FreeCell on her boss's new all singing all dancing computer and she spilled coffee on the "keyboard."
The help desk operator figured, "What the hell. It's only a $10 keyboard" and told her to unplug it, put it under the tap and leave it somewhere to dry.
The next morning her boss rings the help desk demanding to speak to the manager. This guy really wants the help desk operator's job, he's that pissed.
What he wants to know is... "What clown told my secretary to put $4000 worth of laptop under a tap?"
Randy
Anger Management
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax . It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good! time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five." I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" He said, "Yes?" I said, "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up! .. Then en I called Asshole #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work !!
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"I'd like to cash this check, please," she said, handing it over. The teller examined the check, then said: "Could you identify yourself, Miss?" For a moment the lovely girl's brow creased over, then with a bright look she fumbled in her handbag and producing a mirror, glanced in it and with relief said, "Yes! It's me, all right!" The clerk said, "No Ma'am, you misunderstood me. We require a photo identification."
The girl searched her bag again and found a picture with a group of young children and an adult. "This is my third grade class photo," she explained. "That's me, third from the left in the bottom row."
Charlie, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just could not get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp-minded, and a credit to the company. He was clearly demonstrating the benefit of Wal-Mart's "Older persons are Friendly" policy.
One day the boss called him into his office for a talk. "Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it," Charlie said.
"Well good, you're a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd, though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Navy. What did they say if you came in late there?"
"They usually said, `Good morning, Admiral. Can I get you a cup of coffee, sir?'"
In Little Johnny's classroom, the teacher gave the class a homework assignment. She wanted them to tell the class one talent that they had and that they were especially good at.
The next day the Teacher calls on Mary. Mary got up and said "I've been taking piano lessons for 2 years. The teacher told Mary that was very good.
After all of the other students told about their talent, the teacher doesn't have a choice but to let Little Johnny have his turn. She doesn't want to call on him because she is scared of what he is going to say.
She asked Little Johnny to tell the class about his special talent. He stood up and said, " This is my special talent". Then he stuck his tongue out.
The teacher said, "Little Johnny, I don't understand." "How is your tongue a special talent"?
Little Johnny said, "See this ball where my tongue is pierced? My babysitter said that was a special talent because not every boy that she baby sits for has a pussy grinder!"
A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"
The mother promptly threw a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down picking the dough up with her vagina.
"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.
So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.
While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.
Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.
"What's wrong, honey?" she asked.
He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such and such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
The Jewish astronaut just returned from Mars and was asked all about his journey. He mentioned that while he was there, among other things, he was actually invited to a Martian Bar Mitzvah.
An intrigued reporter jumped right in: "Please, tell us all about it. Was it nice? Was it fun? How was the food?"
The astronaut replied that it was just "OK."
"What do you mean?", snapped the newsman. "Was it the food?"
"No", said the astronaut, "the food was fine."
"Were the people not nice?" countered the reporter.
"No, the people were very friendly."
"Well, then, what was it?" asked the reporter. "Why was the Martian Bar Mitzvah only OK?"
"There was no atmosphere."
One Liners
Confucius: When in doubt, whip it out.
When the guys laugh at me for volunteering at the women's mental health clinic I just shrug it off. But when they tell me I'm f*cking nuts, I have to smile, because then I know they understand.
You can divide people into two groups: the part severed above the waist, and the part severed below.
I just bought myself a pair of mood underwear. When I'm ecstatic, they glow pink. When I'm terrified, a brown strip appears down the middle.
My girlfriend loves to do it doggy style. I'd probably like it, too, if it weren't for that part where she humps the mailman.
My pet goldfish was sick, so I decided to take him to the vet -- but unfortunately, he died on the way there. Maybe I didn't put enough air holes in the box.
I came up with a great cardio routine that's action-packed, always different and never gets boring. I call it "Kick a Stranger."
The other day, I tried some Kentucky jelly. It didn't taste very good, but it sure does make the peanut butter go down real easy.
It just isn't fair. I never had any juvenile impulses at all until after I was old enough to be tried as an adult.
I can sum up the next BIG thing in four words: Silly String Cat Food. Oh yeah, baby, I would give up my Nintendo for a piece of that!
Sure, they talk a big game about how their hiring practices don't discriminate based on sexual orientation -- but you should have seen how quickly my flower shop job interview ended when I let slip I was a florasexual.
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