Sunday, Jul 4, 2010
Happy Independence Day
Americans celebrate their independence from those nasty British
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I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE
FLAG,
OF THE UNITED
STATES OF AMERICA ,
AND TO THE REPUBLIC, FOR
WHICH IT STANDS,
ONE
NATION UNDER GOD,
INDIVISIBLE,
WITH LIBERTY
AND JUSTICE FOR ALL!
KEEP IT LIT!!
KEEP IT LIT!
For all of our other military personnel, where ever they may be.
Please
Support all of the troops defending our Country.
And God Bless our Military
who are protecting our Country for our Freedom.
Thanks to them, and their sacrifices, we can celebrate the 4th of July.
FLAG,
OF THE UNITED
STATES OF AMERICA ,
AND TO THE REPUBLIC, FOR
WHICH IT STANDS,
ONE
NATION UNDER GOD,
INDIVISIBLE,
WITH LIBERTY
AND JUSTICE FOR ALL!
KEEP IT LIT!!
KEEP IT LIT! For all of our other military personnel, where ever they may be.
Please
Support all of the troops defending our Country.
And God Bless our Military
who are protecting our Country for our Freedom.
Thanks to them, and their sacrifices, we can celebrate the 4th of July.
Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, 'Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.
The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. 'We live in a great country,' she announced. 'One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.'
Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, 'I'm not free. I'm four.'
GREETING CARDS UNSUCCESSFULLY MARKETED BY HALLMARK
1. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I got one... I got real snippy.
2. I heard you had herpes...and I feel terrible...I'd say "Get well soon"...but I know it's incurable.
3. My tire was thumping....I thought it was flat....when I looked at the tire....I found your cat... Sorry!
4. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
5. You've announced that you're gay, and won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one... of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
6. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.
7. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be...Don't fret about your wife though... She's moving in with me.
8. Your computer is dead... and it was so alive... you shouldn't have installed... Win'95.
9. You totalled your car... and can't remember why... maybe it was... that case of Bud Dry
10. So you lost your job... It's one of those hardships in life... Next time, work harder... and stay away from the boss's wife.
A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes were missing. While searching around for them, he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room, and he found himself completely naked in the halls of the world's most powerful military organization HQ. But, luckily, no one was around to see him.
So, he ran as fast as he could to the elevator. When it arrived, it was empty. He breathed a sigh of relief and got in. When the doors opened on his floor, there was no one waiting outside. "This must be my lucky day," he said to himself. He was now only a few yards from his office.
Suddenly, he heard footsteps coming from around the corner. He heard the General's voice. There was no way he'd make it to his door in time, so he ducked into the closest office available, and found himself in the laboratory for Research & Development. The Head Scientist looked up from one of her experiments with puzzled interest.
The soldier thought quickly, stood up straight and saluted.
"I am here to report the partial success of the Personal Invisibility Device," he said.
"I see," the Head Scientist said. "But the Shrink Ray seems to be working perfectly."
Stable
Each day a man walked into his stable to ride his horse, John. He would call out, "Hey there, John, old buddy, how's everything today?" and then bridle his horse.
One day while going through this routine he said, "Hey there, John..." when, to his surprise, the horse turned around and interrupted him!
He said, "For months now, you've walked in here and said, 'Hey there, John, old buddy, how's everything today?' and I'm tired of it! You never wait for an answer, and besides, my name is Randy!"
And with that, the horse took off running!
Shocked, the owner took off after the horse trying to catch it. Seeing the pursuit, his dog joined the chase.
After a while the man became tired and stopped to rest at the side of the road. He took out his handkerchief and wiped his face as his dog, who had continued the chase, came back also now breathless, and sat down beside him.
The man wondered aloud, "I've never heard a horse talk before!"
"Me neither!" said the dog, gasping for air.
Serious Signs Of Menopause
You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than simply saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
Your husband cheerfully chirps, "Hi, honey. I'm home!" You reply dryly: "Well, if it isn't Ozzie fucking Nelson."
The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the entire Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
You have to change your underwear after every sneeze and laugh.
You're on so much estrogen that you take your daughter's Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.
You suspect that most of your blouses have missing buttonholes.
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He was in the deep end, and couldn't find it, no matter how desperately he looked.
Perplexed, he went to the shallow end and tried to figure out what to do.
As he stood there up to his chest in water and watched the young ladies in their bikinis, he was additionally stressed to realize that he now sported a raging hard on.
Finally, he struck up a course of action. He jumped violently out of the water and shouted loudly, "Mad dog! Mad dog!"
Although most of the others in the pool began screaming in fear, a lusty redhead took a more direct course of action.
She tore off her bikini bottoms, flattened him on the ground and straddled him yelling, "Quick! Let me muzzle that son of a bitch before it gets away!"
Susan
A guy was stopped by a policeman for speeding, and does a lot of begging. Finally, the policeman says: "O.k. I'll ask you a question.
If you answer correctly, I'll forget about the ticket!"
"Go ahead!", answers the speeder.
"You're driving at night, and two lights appear in front of you. What is it?"
"That's easy! It's a car!"
"Sure! But, what kind of car? Is it a Ford? Is it a Chevy? Is it a VW?", replies the policeman, and proceeds to write the ticket.
"Wait! Give me another chance!", begs the guy.
"Ok. But, this is your last chance! You fail to answer - you get the ticket!"
"Fair enough". "You're driving at night, and a light appears in front of you. What is it?"
"That's easy! It's a bike!"
"Sure! But, what kind of bike? Is it a Honda? Is it a Suzuki? Is it a Harley Davidson? Sorry, you're getting the ticket!"
"Yeah, ok.. but let me ask you a question too!"
"Go ahead", answers the policeman.
"You see a bare breasted woman standing at the curve, bargaining with clients, what is it?" asks the guy.
"Oh, that's a hooker!" replies the policeman.
"Sure! But, what kind of hooker? Is it your mother? Is it your sister? Is it your daughter?"
An old man went in to see the doctor and said, "Doc, I'm turning eighty tomorrow. I've hired a hooker for the night, and I'd love to do it just one more time before I die. Can you give me something that'll get me up?"
The doctor smiled. "I don't normally prescribe this stuff, but I think in your case I can make an exception for one night."
Later that night, out of curiosity, the doctor phoned the elderly man and asked, "How's it going?"
"Fabulous," the old man said. "I've cum three times already."
"That's great," the doctor said. "the hooker must be astounded."
"Not exactly," the old man said. "She's not here yet."
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a mud hole and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the
farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the mud hole, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to clamp onto the rope the chicken tossed to him. After hooking the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the
farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse looked for the farmer, but he was not there. So, the horse tried to drive the BMW but his hooves would not work on the pedals. The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
July 4th Trivia
The Liberty Bell is a huge part of early American History, as we all know. Was there only one Liberty Bell cast?
According to historical facts the first two versions of the Liberty Bell were defective and were melted back down and recast.
The Liberty Bell is a symbol of freedom here within America but when was it last rang?
The third Liberty Bell rang on every Fourth of July from 1778 until it cracked in 1835 it has since remained quiet.
Our National Anthem is The Star Spangled Banner" as well all know but who wrote it?
Frances Scott Key wrote this beloved song and it was set to an English drinking song titled "To Anacreon in Heaven".
We all know that the Fourth of July is also called Independence Day, but why is it celebrated as the most important American holiday of the year?
Which American President also celebrated his birthday on the Fourth of July?
Calvin Coolidge the 30th president was born July, 4, 1872 in Plymouth Vermont, so he was born on America's birthday.
Three American Presidents died on the Fourth of July who were these great men.
John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and James Monroe
When did the Fourth of July become a legal holiday?
The fourth of July became a holiday in 1941, before that it was just observed as a national holiday.
Happy Birthday America, and I wish all those celebrating her birthday within her beautiful borders has a happy, safe, and healthy Fourth of July.
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