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In the early 1800'san old Jewish merchant had to go to Omaha on business.
He presented himself to the stagecoach office and asked, "How much a ticket to Omaha?"
The clerk responded, "$5.00."
"Too much!" he complained. "Anyway, I ain't got $5.00; I only got $2.00, so there you go!"
"Well you ain't goin ta Omaha for $2.00, so forget it!" said the clerk.
"Listen, I gotta get to Omaha; I got very important business there. Please! Maybe you could do something for me?"
"I'll tell you what I can do." said the clerk. "We need somebody to ride shotgun. Gimme the $2.00 and you could ride shotgun."
"What are you sayin' ride shotgun? I need to ride on the stagecoach to Omaha!" said the old man.
"No, No! You don't understand!" said the clerk. "You ride up on the top with the driver. You hold this rifle and if you see any Indians, you shoot 'em."
"What you talkin' about shooting Indians? I ain't never shot no Indians before." replied the merchant.
"Listen to me! It's easy. You see an Indian; you point the gun at him and pull this trigger. Just give me the $2.00 and get up there with the driver." demanded the clerk.
So the old merchant climbed up with the driver and off they rode into the prairie.
About 3 hours into the trip, the driver asked, "Do ya see any Indians?"
"Yup, I see one." said the old Jewish merchant.
"How far away is he?" asked the driver.
"How could I know?" asked the old guy.
"Well how big does he look?" asked the driver.
The old Jewish guy put his hand in front of the driver's face and held his thumb and forefinger about a half inch apart, and said, "He looks this big; should I shoot him?"
"Not yet," said the driver. "You'll never hit him; he's too far away. Wait 'til he gets closer."
Another couple of hours passed and once again the driver asked, "Do ya still see the Indians?"
"Yup, I still see him."
"How far away is he now?" asked the driver.
Again the old Jewish guy put his hand in front of the driver's face and this time held his thumb and forefinger about an inch apart, and said, "He looks this big; should I shoot him yet?"
"Not yet," said the driver. "He's still too far away. Wait until he gets closer. I'll tell you when to shoot him."
Well this same situation continued every few hours for several days. Each time, the old Jewish merchant would hold his fingers a little further apart to indicate how big the Indian looked, and each time he'd ask, "Should I shoot him?'
And each time, the driver would say, "Not yet, I'll tell you when."
On the third day of their journey through the prairie on their way to Omaha, when asked if he still saw the Indian, the old guy demonstrated the size of the Indian by spreading his arms as far as he could from top to bottom, indicating that the Indian now looked very big.
The driver said, "Okay, now he's close enough. Now you can shoot him!"
The old man hesitated and then said, "Nah, I couldn't shoot him."
"Whadya mean you can't shoot him? Why not?" demanded the driver.
The old Jewish guy put his hand in front of the driver's face and held his thumb and forefinger about a half inch apart, and said, "How could I shoot him? I've known him since he was this big!"
Stan
There were these two horses standing at the bar. One said to the other "how ya doin?"...other replied, "not so good...the other day I was in a race and there were so many GREAT horses and jockeys I figured 'screw it,' I ain't runnin' this race and all of a sudden this big fucken tapeworm starts squirming up in my arsehole, so I bolted off and I won by a head."
The other horse said, "no kiddin' yesterday I was in a race and the same thing...I figured 'screw it,' I ain't runnin' and half way around the track...WHOOSH! My hemorrhoid burst. Pus and shit everywhere.......fuck it hurt....I ran like a bastard to try and itch the fucker, and guess what? I won!"
This greyhound walks up to the two horses and says, "'scuse me but I couldn't help but overhear you guys. Just today I was in a race and there were so many great dogs I figured 'screw it' I ain't runnin' in this race. All of a sudden this little cunt of a wasp stung my balls. I yelped and jumped like a motherfucker, and I won by a length!!
One horse looked at the other and said, "WELL FUCK ME, A TALKIN' DOG!!!"
A man goes to consult a specialist about his medical problem.
After the visit the man asks, "How much do I owe you?"
"My fee is five hundred dollars," replies the physician.
"Five hundred dollars? That's impossible. No one charges that much!"
"In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my fee to three hundred."
"Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous."
"Well, then, could you afford two hundred?"
"Who has that kind of money?"
"Look, replies the doctor," growing irritated, "Just give me fifty bucks and get out."
"I can give you twenty," says the man. "Take it or leave it."
"I don't understand you," says the doctor. "Why did you come to the most expensive doctor in New York if you have no money?"
"Listen, Doctor," says the patient, "When it comes to my health, nothing is too expensive."
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A young blonde, having just returned from a great week-long vacation in South America, walked into the local bank and asked about exchanging currency.
The teller said he would try to help her.
After she plopped a huge wad of bills onto the counter, the teller then counted it, made a phone call, and returned to count out $27.18.
The wide-eyed woman gasped. "You mean to tell me that's all I get for that mountain of bills?"
"I'm afraid so Miss," replied the teller, "That's the current rate of exchange according to our foreign exchange section."
"Good Grief!" she hissed, "and I gave that cheap skunk breakfast, too!"
Two men walk into a bar. One sits at one end of the bar and the other at the opposite end. The bartender asks the first man what he wants.
I'll have a Frizzle...that's a beer with a splash of tonic, a splash of orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, no lime."
Then the man at the other end of the bar orders. "Make mine a Frizzle.It's a beer with just a bit of tonic, a bit of orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, but no lime."
The astonished bartender makes the drinks. Then he asks the first man what he does for a living.
"I am a theoretical mathematician at the university."
Then he asks the other man what he does.
"Theoretical mathematician at the college."
"This is remarkable," says the bartender. "You both order a drink that I've never heard of. You have the identical profession and you both walk into my bar on the same day at the same time. What are the odds on something like that happening?"
Both men look up and answer in unison, "Twelve trillion, nine hundred, and eighty-seven billion to one."
A Ohio State fan, a Michigan fan and a Penn State fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Penn State fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Penn State fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Michigan fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Michigan fan out crying like a little girl.
The Ohio State fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your alumni has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Buckeye fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.
"Tie the Michigan fan to my back."
THE FOREHEAD DOT REVEALED!
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington , D.C. , has recently revealed the true story...
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he's won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab or a motel in America.
If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical support.
Robert
Trivia
Almost every weekday morning, free Kleenexes are handed to the commuters in front of Japan's rail and bus stations. The tissues are distributed by workers of the companies whose messages and advertisement are printed on the packages. The reason for this. . . most public bathrooms do not have paper towels or toilet paper.
Contrary to many reports, the Eisenhower Interstate System does NOT require that one mile in every five must be straight in the United States. The claim that these straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies does not exist in any federal legislation. Korea and Sweden DO use some of their roads as military air strips.
During the Renaissance period, laws were passed that prescribed which fashions could not be worn by the lower classes, so as to keep social distinctions intact. Queen Elizabeth of England would not allow the ruff to be worn by commoners; in Florence, women of the lower class were not allowed to use buttons of certain shapes and materials.
Eleven days before the statute of limitations was to expire on the Brink's robbery in Boston, Massachusetts, that netted nearly $3 million in January 1950, one of the robbers confessed and betrayed his fellow robbers.
Kissing one's fingertips is a common gesture throughout Europe and Latin America countries. It connotes the declaration of "aah, beautiful!" The recipient of the kiss may be anything from a woman or a wine, a sports car or a soccer play. It is believed the gesture originated from the custom of the ancient Greeks and Romans who, when entering and leaving the temple, threw a kiss toward sacred objects such as statues and alters.
In Georgia, Gwinnett County has a law that forbids residents from keeping rabbits as pets. The county livestock law restricts rabbits to farm areas and homes with at least three acres of land. The law was amended in 1993 to allow Vietnamese potbellied pigs as pets after a woman with a pet pig pleaded for the exemption.
In Germany, shaking hands with the other hand in a pocket is considered impolite. In Mali, a man will shake hands with a woman only if she offers her hand first. The handshake is often done with the left hand touching the other person's elbow as well.
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