Tuesday, Jul 6, 2010
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Strawberries
Dave sold strawberries off his truck out in the suburbs. He knocked on the door of a house. "Wanna buy some strawberries?"
"Come around the back," answered the pretty young blonde. Dave walked to the rear, rang the bell, and the woman opened the door.
To Dave's shock, she stood there stark naked. Not a stitch of clothes on. Dave started to cry.
"What's the matter?" asked the blonde.
"Today, my wife ran away with my best friend," explained Dave, "I lost three thousand dollars on the stock market, and now you're gonna screw me out of my strawberries."
0bama has now appointed a Golf Czar. Announcements were just made of major rule changes in the game of golf which will become effective 01 June 2010. This is only a preview as the complete rule book is being rewritten as we speak. Here are a few basic changes:
Golfers with handicaps:
- below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%.
- between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees.
- above 18 will get a $25 check each time they play.
The dollar amount placed in bets will be as follows:
-for handicaps below 10, an additional $10.
-between 11 and 18, no additional amount.
-above 18, you will receive the total amount in the pot even if you do not play.
The term "gimme" will be changed to "entitlement" and will be used as follows:
-handicaps below 10, no entitlements.
-handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts.
-handicaps above 18, if your ball is on green, no need to putt, just pick it up.
These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring. In addition, a player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given 18-hole round. Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par, can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again. The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes, but the term 'net score' will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above. This is intended to 'redistribute' the success of winning by making sure that in every competition, the above 18 handicap players will post only 'net score' against every other player's gross score.
These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf. Golf must be about Fairness. It should have nothing to do with ability or the person actually working toward a goal.
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
The guy who delivers our office supplies has a heavy Portuguese accent, and when he saw the National Geographic video about seals sitting on the table he smiled broadly and shouted, "Foka! Foka!"
"No," I said, "If you fuck one of those in this country I'm pretty sure you'll go to prison on some 'humping and en-dangered species' charge."
"No, no, no," he said quickly. "Foka mean 'seal' in Portuguese."
"I see," I said pointing to the big seal next to the little seal in the picture. "So I'm betting that that's the mother foka?"
Shrimps
A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimp, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.
After he had gobbled a few of them down a woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."
"Listen, love," He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train."
He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimp. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.
The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles.
After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"
"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."
At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.
The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined $200 for that!"
To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years after the police smell your fingers."
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He applied for the job and the interview went very well. "You have the job," he was told, "just sign this paper."
Sven made a big "X" on the paper. "What's that?" he was asked.
"That's my mark."
"You're supposed to sign your name."
"That's my mark," Sven replied, "I cannot read or write."
"What? We're sorry to work here you have to be able to sign your name."
Well, Sven finally got himself a job as a mate on a tugboat, and eventually he became captain of his own tugboat.
He did well for himself and eventually had a fleet of ships of his own and became one of the wealthiest men in the community.
One day the mayor decided to honor him for setting such a good example for other immigrants, and what they can accomplish with hard work and ingenuity.
The mayor says, "Sven, we want to give you the key to the city! Just sign this form."
Sven made a big "X" on the paper.
"What's that?" he was asked."That's my mark."
"Your mark?" The mayor asked.
"Aih, I cannot read or write, so that's my mark."
"You accomplished all of this not being able to read or write?" The mayor exclaimed. "Just think what you could have done if you could read and write!"
"Yes," Sven said. "I could have been a church janitor."
There was this lady who was sexually frustrated and had tried to get her husband sexually stimulated but nothing seemed to work. She tried sexy lingerie, toys etc etc but had no luck. So one day she asked her friend what she should do... "It's really annoying me now! He's just not up for it. He's always out down the pub with the lads. What can I do?"
Her friend suggested, "Well, if he's always out with the lads why don't you give him an extra tenner so he enjoys himself even more and then he'll come home and thank you appropriately..."
So the woman tried this and this is what happened on his return:
Man: Take Your clothes off!
Woman thinks: Whoa! This is working!
Man: Stand on your head!
Woman: Ooohh...! Kinky!!!
Man: Spread your legs apart!
Woman thinks: This has really worked - give it to me!
The man then gets a small mirror and places it in between her legs.
Woman thinks: This is a new one...
Man says: You know... the lads were right, I would look good with a beard!
This story involves a pastor of a store front church. The pastor's church is called The Almighty God Tabernacle.
On a Saturday night several weeks ago, this pastor was working late, and decided to call his wife before he left for home. It was about 10:00 PM, but his wife didn't answer the phone. The pastor let it ring many times. He thought it was odd that she didn't answer, but decided to wrap up a few things and try again in a few minutes.
When he tried again she answered right away. He asked her why she hadn't answered before, and she said that it hadn't rung at their house. They brushed it off as a fluke and went on their merry ways.
The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the church office, which was the phone that he'd used that Saturday night. The man that he spoke with wanted to know why he'd called on Saturday night.
The pastor couldn't figure out what the guy was talking about. Then The guy said, "It rang and rang, but I didn't answer.
"The pastor remembered the mishap an apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd intended to call his wife.
The man said, "That's OK. Let me tell you my story. You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday night, but before I did, I prayed, 'God if you're there, and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now. 'At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the caller ID, and it said, 'Almighty God.' I was afraid to answer!"
Trivia
In Britain, the law was changed in 1789 to make the method of execution hanging. Prior to that, burning was the modus operandi. The last female to be executed by burning in England was Christian Bowman. Her crime was making counterfeit coins.
Circus showman P.T. Barnum created a spectacle when he hitched an elephant to a plow beside the train tracks to announce that his circus had come to town. As a result, Barnum attracted many newsmen and the public, but it became soon thereafter, and still remains, illegal in North Carolina to plow a field with an elephant.
There are some driving differences in Japan that tourists should know. Motorists drive on the left side of the road and the steering wheel is on the right, like in the United Kingdom. In areas where there are few police, people routinely speed 30 km over the speed limit (50 kph), and taxi drivers are notorious for their aggressive driving. The pedestrian always has the right of way, and drivers can not turn on a red light.
There is meaning behind the wedding custom of “something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue.” The “old” thing was a personal gift from the bride’s mom to make a bond to the bride’s old life. The “new” item symbolized hope for the future and the newly formed family. The “borrowed” item was a gift from a happily married woman that would carry some of the woman’s happiness into the new marriage. The something “blue” came from two sources that had similar meanings. To ancient Romans, maidens wore blue to show fidelity and modesty, and to Christians, blue was linked to the purity of the Virgin Mary.
Baked goods made on Good Friday were thought to contain many virtues. A cross bun kept from one Good Friday to the next was considered a lucky charm. It was not supposed to grow moldy, and it was used as a charm against shipwreck. "Good Friday bread," when hung over the chimneypiece, was supposed to guarentee that all bread baked after that would be perfect.
Body language differs from one country to another. For instance, grasping one's ears is a sign of repentance or sincerity in India. A similar gesture in Brazil – holding the lobe of one's ear between the thumb and forefinger – signifies appreciation.
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