Wednesday, Jul 7, 2010
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| SJ Links |
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Toons & Pics |
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| General Sponsors |
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Police department
The police department received a call at 1 a.m. from a professor at the local university who reported a break-in.
"The man was a huge brute," the professor reported. "He ripped the covers off the bed and found me sleeping naked. He looked at me in the most vile possible way and then he exposed this incredibly large penis."
"That's not the worst part. He made me put that disgusting thing in my mouth, then he turned me over and shoved it up my ass until I felt like I would split in two."
"We'll send a squad over right away to look for him," the officer said.
"Oh, you don't have to do that," the professor said, "he's in the shower now. Why don't you just come over and pick him up in the morning."
In 1849 a miner comes into a new town after being in the field for a month. He's carrying a sack of gold. The first thing he does is head to the local saloon.
As he approaches the bar he flips the sack of gold on the bar and says, "Hey barkeep give everybody in the place a drink, I'm going upstairs to take a shower. Send up a steak dinner and the prettiest girl in town. Take out a few bucks for your troubles."
The bartender hollers out, "Sorry mac there aren't any women in town. All we got is an old Chinaman."
The gold miner without missing a step up the stairs, answers,
"Never mind I don't go for that kinda shit."
The next day the miner is off back to the fields and doesn't return for 6 weeks. When he returns he has a sack of gold about twice the size as the original one.
Again he heads for the saloon and says, "Hey barkeep give everybody whatever they want to drink & eat for the rest of the night. I'm going up to my room & take a shower. Send up some food and a couple of the best women in town. Take out some gold for your troubles."
The bartender again bellows out, "Sorry partner we still have no women in town. The stagecoach that was bringing them in had problems. All we got is that old Chinaman."
This time the miner stops about halfway up the stairs, pauses a few seconds & says, "Never mind I don't go for that kinda shit."
The next morning the miner is once again headed to the gold fields. This time he's gone for another month & when he returns he has 2 sacks of gold both larger than the previous one.
First stop has him back at the saloon. He enters, throws one of the bags on the bar & says, "Hey barkeep drinks are on me till that bag is gone, keep some for yourself. I'm going upstairs to take a shower. Send me up the best steak in the house and three of the prettiest women in town because I'm horny as hell."
Again the bartender says, "Sorry mac the women never did get here. The only thing we got is the old Chinaman."
This time the miner spends at least a minute on the stairs thinking about how horny he is and finally says,
"OK, send the old Chinaman up."
The bartender replies, "That will be $600.00 in advance."
The miner turns around in disbelief and screams, "WHAT!? $600.00 for a old Chinaman?"
The bartender replies, "No Sir, the $600.00 is for the three guys that are going to hold the Chinaman down. He don't go for that kinda shit either."
Tips for Handling Telemarketers
Three Little Words That Work !!
(1)The three little words are: 'Hold On, Please...'
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.
Then when you eventually hear the phone company's 'beep-beep-beep' tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.
These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.
(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a 'real' sales person to call back and get someone at home.
What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!
(3) Junk Mail Help
When you get 'ads' enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these 'ads' with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.
When you get those 'pre-approved' letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.
Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 43 cents postage 'IF' and when they receive them back.
It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.
One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas. Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back! If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.
You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 41 cents.
The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!
Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea !
If enough people follow these tips, it will work ---- I have been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.
Jokes-N-Toons
A free ezine that sends adult humor 3 or more times a week.
Three or more jokes, and three or more cartoons. To take a look (taste before you buy, yeah, it's free)
go to http://www.jokes-n-toons.com/
To subscribe send a blank email to jokes-n-toons-subscribe@googlegroups.com
Must be 18 or older to join
I use 1&1 as my Web Host, they are affordable, provide a great deal of space, and everything else a web designer could ask for. Take a look and see for yourself!
This is a great place for beginers to get help starting up a new web site.
Click here to Read Random Jokes
 Hand selected wines, wine packs, gift certificates and gift baskets. Click the pic or copy/paste http://tinyurl.com/yfya6ml |
Boris dropped off a high-priced hooker at his door the following Saturday night. Ivan plied her with some vodka and caviar. As she took her top, he noticed that her armpits were shaved. He said, pointing top his own pits, "Vomen in the old country have wool - they have wool!"
She responded, "It's customary and fashionable to shave our underarms."
They drank more vodka and ate more caviar. She removed her slacks. He noticed that her legs are shaved also. He repeated, "Vomen in the old country have wool - they have wool!" Once more, she said, "It's customary and fashionable to shave our legs."
After more vodka and caviar, he pulled down her panties and saw that her privates were trimmed. He exclaimed again, "Vomen in the old country have wool - they have wool!"
She then asked in loud voice, "Look buddy, did you want to screw or knit?"
Three women were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, "You know, my son graduated first in his class from Stanford. He's now a doctor, making $250,000 a year in Chicago."
The second woman says, "You know my son graduated first in his class from Harvard. He's now a lawyer, making half a million dollars a year and lives in Los Angeles."
The last woman says, "You know my son; he never did too well in school. He never went to any university, but he now makes one million dollars a year in New York working as a sports repairman."
The other two women ask, "What is a sports repairman?"
The woman then replies, "Oh, he fixes games... you know, hockey games, football games, baseball games...."
Big game hunter
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Springbok." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion Shot with a .416 rifle."
He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
An employee of USAir by the name of James Gay boarded a US Air flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty seat.
Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the US Air employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay and said to the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are you Gay?"
The man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!"
The flight attendant said, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the plane."
At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, (and was rather amused) jumped up and said, "Excuse me, you've made a mistake I'm Gay!"
Finally, another man jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I'm gay too! They can't throw us all off!"
Trivia
According to U.S. law, a patent may not be granted on a useless invention, on a method of doing business, on mere printed matter, or on a device or machine that will not operate. Even if an invention is novel or new, a patent may not be obtained if the invention would have been obvious to a person having ordinary skill in the same area at the time of the invention.
A charming wedding custom in early Yorkshire, England, involved a plate holding wedding cake. It was thrown out of the window as the bride returned to her parental home after the wedding. If the plate broke, she would enjoy a happy future with her husband. If the plate remained intact, her future was bleak.
A 1989 law in Florida forbids the release of more than ten lighter-than-air balloons at a time. This is to protect marine creatures that often mistake balloons for food and can suffer intestinal injuries if they eat the balloons.
A few years back, a Chinese soap hit it big with consumers in Asia. It was claimed in ads that users would lose weight with Seaweed Defat Scented Soap simply by washing with it. The soap was sold in violation to the Japanese Pharmaceutical Affairs Law and was banned. Reportedly, the craze for the soap was so great that Japanese tourists from China and Hong Kong brought back large quantities. The product was also in violation of customs regulations. In June and July 1999 alone, more than 10,000 bars were seized.
There are many theories of how tipping came to be, but the most prevalent story goes back several hundred years to England. When people traveled by stagecoach, they often sent a servant ahead to make arrangements for their arrival. The servant would give the service providers money “to ensure promptness,” which was shortened by initials to be “tip.” Today a tip is more of a thank you after good service than a bribe to get good service.
A richly embroidered veil, or "burga," festooned with buttons and pendants cloaks the faces of the young girls of Sudan's Rashaida. Their interpretation of Islamic law dictates that females wear the veil starting at the age of five. The covering must be worn even at mealtimes. It can be removed only in the strictest of privacy.
For a list of all Stolen Jokes sponsors
Click HERE or copy/paste this
http://www.stolen-jokes.com/include/XCB.php
into your browser.
PhotoWorks is the leading online personal publishing company where it's easy and fun to share digital photos online, order high quality prints, and create unique photo books, cards, calendars, mouse pads, mugs, and more. Click the pic or copy/paste http://tinyurl.com/yhzgbcy |
|
Email jokes to send-your-jokes-here@stolen-jokes.com A special thanks to Toni who is a big contributors.
Disclaimer: This site contains adult
humor, adult cartoons and adult pictures. Also included are trivia columns
and articles about stupid people. We claim no copyrights to the jokes,
pictures/cartoons or news/trivia articles on these pages. If you do
forward jokes or pictures please leave them intact. If you wish to reproduce
material, then permission is granted, a link and credit would be nice
but is in no way required. We may not give credit to those who may wish
to send us jokes or cartoons, because somebody else probably sent them
to you anyway, but if you send something and want credit, I'll do it.
If there is anything that you believe to be copyrighted please contact
us and we will remove it. Displayed cartoons are the property/copyright
of their respective owners. They are used here strictly for entertainment
purposes. No copyright infringement of any kind is intended.Typically I steal jokes from the following great website and ezines: SydesJokes is a daily ezine that has 8 jokes plus other fun stuff, go to the site at http://www.sydesjokes.com and to subscribe send an email to SydesJokes-subscribe@yahoogroups.com William Brabant Buffalo "G" jokes Buffalos-G-Jokes-subscribe@egroups.com?subject=Subscribe or Buffalo "Adult" Jokes Buffalos-adult-jokes-subscribe@egroups.com or go to http://buffalosjokes.com Lorraine at LabLaugh Adult, three really good ezines that I highly recommend, the adult edition can be gotten at lablaughsadult-subscribe@topica.com, Clean LabLaughs lablaughsclean-subscribe@topica.com and her Trivia at lablaughstrivia-subscribe@topica.com or go to http://www.lablaughs.com Sunny's Funzines, a few different ezines that have great jokes and cartoons, Adult cartoons at funzines-adultcartoons-subscribe@yahoogroups.com Adult Jokes, funzines-adultjokes-subscribe@yahoogroups.com and Clean cartoons at funzines-cleancartoons-subscribe@yahoogroups.com go to http://www.funzines.com Suzie's Tickle List, subscribe at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/tickle, or visit www.susanjbaldwin.net Visit my home page at http://www.stolen-jokes.com/main.php for more jokes, videos, cartoons, and trivia. 
We use third-party advertising companies to serve ads when you visit our website. These companies may use information (not including your name, address, email address, or telephone number) about your visits to this and other websites in order to provide advertisements about goods and services of interest to you. If you would like more information about this practice and to know your choices about not having this information used by these companies, click here. To unsubscribe from this ezine: Yahoo Groups member click here to UNSUBSCRIBE or send a blank email to StolenJokes-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Google Groups click here to UNSUBSCRIBE or send a blank email to stolen-jokes+unsubscribe@googlegroups.com |
Joke
Archives |
|||