Thursday, Jul 8, 2010
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Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'
Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on! '
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'
Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.'
The blonde replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'
Bob took the money...
Bob is very upset and says to Bill, "Look at this picture and tell me what you see."
Bill says, "That's me and your wife dancing."
Bob says, "Uh-huh, and look at this other picture and tell me what you see."
Bill says, "That's me and your wife kissing on the beach."
Bob is fuming now and says, "Well? What are you going to do about these pictures?"
Bill thinks a moment and says, "I'll take three of those, wallet size, and one of those 8 X 10."
buffalo says alternate ending Bill says, "Do you have any pictures of me having sex with your wife"
Bob says, "No, I Don't."
Bill says, "Do you want to buy some?"
Gay Mayor
A few years ago a man who was openly gay was elected as the Mayor of Key West, Florida.
After the election results were in, a hord of reporters surrounded him and began asking him questions on how he won.
A young reporter walked up to him and said: "Mr. Mayor, I understand that you used a basic grass roots campaign to win, met lots of people, shook lots of hands, kissed lots of babies...I even heard that you kissed a parakeet."
The mayor relied: "That's right young man, I brought the campaign to the people, but I must correct you on one point, I did not kiss a parakeet......I kissed a Cock-or-two."
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, He asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit irritated by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.
The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Well now truly irritated that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing.....
"A jazz chord to say I ruv you..." (I just called to say I love you)
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd comeback to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish, he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole!"
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Da plane hit some turbulence an started bouncin around an Boudreaux got knock unconscious. Den da plane start driftin. Pierre come run up to da front an Boudreaux was sprawl out all over da steerin wheel.
Well, Pierre don't know nuttin bout flyin an he start to get panaky. He grab da microphone and holla "May Day! May Day! Dis is Cajun Air Line 90210. Boudreaux, him knock unconscious an I don know nuttin about flyin dis plane!"
"Dis is da control tower," someone answer. "Don you worry about nuttin. We gonna splain how you to land dis plane, step by step, ah gar-own-tee! Jus leave anyting ta us. Fus, how high you are, an whas you position?"
Pierre thought a minute, den say, "I'm five foot ten an I'm all da way to da front of da plane." "No! No!" answer da tower. "What you altitude, an where you location?" Pierre say, "Man, rat now ah got a po attitude, an ah'm from Thibodeaux, Laweezeeanna!"
"No! No! No!" came an exasperated voice. "Ah needs to know how many feet you got off da groun an how you plane in relation to da airport!"
Pierre, he start to panic by dis time. He say, "Countin Boudreaux's feets an mine togedder, we got fo feet off da groun an I don believe dis plane related to you airport!"
A long pause ---- de silence was deafanin. "We needs to know who you next of kin..."
Baseball
One day a man went to England on a trip and met a woman there, they grew to like each other enough for her to come to America with the man on his flight home. When they got back to America the man said "I would like to show you an American pastime."
The woman said, "What is it?"
"Baseball," the man said.
The next day, the man took her to a baseball game. The first man came up to the plate and hit the ball to right field and got to first base, the next man bunted the ball and beat the throw to first base. The third man came up to the plate and he gets walked.
The man says, "Are you understanding this game?"
The woman says, "Yes, but what I don't understand is why the thrower hurls the ball at the first player, and he hits it. Then he hurls the ball at the second player, and he taps it and runs to where the other man was standing And then the third player, this is the part I don't understand, the thrower hurls the ball and he just stands there - 4 times - and then he just walks to the place where the other man was standing."
Then the man says, "Well that is because he has four balls."
The woman says "Poor thing he couldn't run if he tried."
Lawyer
When it was her turn on the stand, the lawyer came forward. "Ms. Judy, the wife of the defendant has identified you as the 'other woman' in her husband's life. Now, do you admit that you went to the Blue Moon Motel with this Mr. Smith?"
"Well, yes," acknowledged Judy with a sniff, "but I couldn't help it."
"Couldn't help it?" asked the lawyer derisively. "How's that?"
"Mr. Smith deceived me."
"Exactly what do you mean?"
"See, when we signed in," she explained, "he told the motel clerk I was his wife."
A salesman's car breaks down, so he asks a farmer to let him spend the night, and the farmer agrees. In the middle of the night, the salesman wakes up and is really thirsty, so he decides to go to the barn and get some milk from a cow.
Soon, the farmer hears noises coming from the barn and goes to investigate. He then sees the salesman coming out of the barn soaking wet and with a white liquid dripping down his face. The farmer asks, "What happened to you?"
The salesman says, "I just got thirsty, so I milked your cow. It was so dark in there I don't know how I did it. But I'm telling you, that cow has great milk! I must have drank a gallon of it!"
The farmer then stares at him with a puzzled look and says, "But we don't have a cow. We just have the bull..."
Randy
A man, his wife and their six children are waiting at a transfer bus stop having just disembarked from the main line bus at the outskirts of this small city set in the middle of the cornfields of Iowa,
A blind man joins them after a few minutes and as they all await the last bus to continue to their homes along the four mile extension, out from the city, a steady cold drizzle of rain begins.
To add to the aggravation, when the last bus arrives, it's a half a hour late, overloaded and only room for the wife and the six kids to barely squeeze on the bus.
So the husband and the blind man are left with no choice other than to start walking towards their destination
After a while, the husband, irritated by the situation, the rain, and more than likely by the few pints of ale that he had imbibed in town, with a few of his pals, while she was shopping, It had lifted his spirits earlier, but they were now quickly deflating his demeanor throughly helped along by a rancid feeling in his abundantly bloated belly.
But what irritated him most was the methodical ticking of the walking-stick of the blind man as he tapped it's brass tipped end on the road, and so blurts out, "Why don't you put a damned piece of rubber at the end of that annoying blasted stick of your's, the ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man, who has been silently plodding along in the rain, snorts and replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."
Trivia
The most carnivorous of all bears is the polar bear. Its diet consists almost entirely of seals and fish.
Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eyes."
Gutenburg invented the printing press in the 1450s, and the first book to ever be printed was the Bible. It was, however, in Latin rather than English.
Scientists have found chocolate has a chemical that helps counteract depression.
In the 1900 Sears Roebuck company catalog, a piano cost $98.00 - FOB Chicago.
The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
Studies show that women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.
"Formicophilia" is the fetish for having small insects crawl on your genitals.
A man's beard grows fastest when he anticipates sex.
According to a US market research firm, the most popular American bra size is currently 36C, up from 1991 when it was 34B.
In the Aztec culture avocados were considered so sexually powerful, virgins were restricted from contact with them.
Marilyn Monroe, the most celebrated sex icon of the 20th century, confessed to a friend that despite her three husbands and a parade of lovers, she had never had an orgasm.
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