Friday, Jul 9, 2010
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Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the railroad ties. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck. As he struggled to free his foot, he heard a noise and turned around. To his horror he saw a train coming.
Panicked he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop being bad!"
Nothing happened, his foot was still stuck. He looked up to see the train getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop swearing AND being bad!"
Still nothing his foot was wedged tight. The train was just seconds away! Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's horn blared.
He tried his plea one more time, "God, please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop swearing, AND I'll stop trying to look up little Mary's dress."
Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fell backwards, the train narrowly missing him. He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself..."
I'm sure you've all heard about the traveling salesman whose car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a recent blizzard in North Dakota.
It took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, but frozen half to death, he finally reached the front door and knocked on it.
A grizzled old farmer answered, and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the nite.
"Why sure young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk." said the hospitable old man. "But I ain't got no daughter for ya to sleep with, like ya always hear about in them thar jokes."
"Oh !" said the salesman. Then thinking a moment or two said, "Just how far is it to the next house?"
Coach
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you Understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The little boy nodded in the affirmative. 'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win Or lose together as a team?' The little boy nodded yes..
'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an Out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, Or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?' Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsman- ship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?' Again the little boy nodded.
Good,' said the coach.
'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.
A bunch of guys were sitting around the break room talking about sex and women of course and in comes Joe Schmo.
One guy says to the other guys, "Man I just don't understand it. That guy Joe is just an average ordinary looking guy who doesn't have a lot of money and he gets all the women he wants with the snap of his fingers."
"What the hell does he got that I haven't got?"
And this other guy who is an old timer and has been around awhile looks at the guy and says, "Son let me ask you a question. When you go to the bathroom and you get done whizzing, do you shake your penis with your hand to get off the excess urine?"
And the other guy is kind of puzzled but he says "Well yeah. Of course I do."
"But what does that have to do with Joe getting all the women?"
The old timer looks him in the eye and says "Well son, Ol' Joe over there when he gets done taking a piss, he doesn't shake it, He Kicks It!"
A gastroenterologist/proctologist claims that these are actual comments made by his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:
"Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
"Can you hear me NOW?"
"Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
"Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
"You know, in some states, we're now legally married."
"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
"You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
"If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
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The one hang up to her plan was the victim was a product of a small southern bible college and being a bit naive, wanted a world class beauty, well educated, street wise, untouched virgin bride to marry.
Since she had thrown off all bounds of virginity way back in high school to seek out the hidden mysterious passions ` reputed to be associated with wild boys and sex she was about as far from being mistaken for a virgin as one could get.
But seeing she was determined to go forward with the pursuit of her goal, I suggested she visited a doc I knew to see about the possibility of reconstructing her hymen and hide or mask any hints of her previous sexual activities.
The doctor told her that it would cost around $500, but there was another quicker way that would cost only $50 and with the addition of some hysterical theatrics on her part, he thought she could no doubt accomplish the same ruse.
So my friend opted to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor worked on her for several minutes and then informed her she was ready for launch or "hot to trot !"
After the wedding "first night", the woman came back to the doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, the screams, everything was there.
Then she asked him how he did it. He looked at her, smiled devilishly and said, "I tied your pubic hair together,"
How To Get A Refund
A middle aged woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.
The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'.
Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!"
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!"
And doing so draws an even more HUGE crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded
An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.
"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed."
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.
Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers. It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit in my pants."
Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!!!!
Trivia
Pepin the Short, King of the Franks from 751 to 768 A.D., was 4 feet, 6 inches tall. His wife was known as Bertha of the Big Foot.
The company Namco gets the credit for developing the most popular arcade game of all time. Toru Iwatani designed the game over the short time of 18 months (yeah back then one guy could write a game on his own, imagine that today?). Iwatani drew inspiration for his game via a famous Japanese phrase known as "Paku-Paku Taberu". This odd sounding name (odd only because it's not English of course) is symbolic of the noise made when one opens and closes their mouth rapidly. After a short 18 months, the game was complete and launched as "Puck Man". Strangely enough, it was NOT a big success after launch.
Namco and Iwatani may have developed "Puck Man" in Japan, but it was Midway who marketed to the United States and saw sales fly through the roof. Nobody had ever seen a game like it before. Renamed to Pac-Man in the US, it became an instant hit. It caught everyone by surprise and even the so called experts overlooked Pac-Man while reviewing arcade games (don't the experts always do things like that?). Keep in mind that we're talking Arcades here not consoles. Atari came after this.
Quito in Ecuador, South America, is said to have the most pleasant climate in the world. It is called the 'Land of Eternal Spring.' The temperature rarely drops below 46 degrees Fahrenheit during the night, or exceed 72 degrees Fahrenheit during the day.
There are 284 restrooms along the 17.5 miles of corridors in the Pentagon.
In 1066, Halley's comet appeared shortly before William the Conqueror invaded England. The Norman king took it as a good omen; his battle cry became "A new star, a new king."
The name of the legendary Lady Godiva's horse was Aethenoth.
Only two women directors have been nominated for an Oscar by the Academy for achievement in directing: Lina Wertmuller in 1976 for Seven Beauties and Jane Campion in 1993 for The Piano. To date, no woman has won an Oscar for directing.
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