Saturday, Jul 10, 2010
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Saint Peter, was sitting behind a desk on front of the gates of heaven, getting ready to start his day. "May the first person come." He said "Hello, Saint Peter." said the first person.
"State you name and tell me how you spent your life." he said.
"Oh Saint Peter, I am a nun, who spent her life helping those in need, and serving the Lord."
"Here is a golden key, it will open the Gates of Heaven."
And off the nun went.
"Next." said Saint Peter. "How did you spend your life."
"I spent my life like a normal human being." another woman said. "I told some lies, white lies here and there. But nothing serious."
"Here I give you a Silver Key. It is for the Pulgatory. You may go now."
he said. "Next. Tell me, how did you lived your life?"
"Oh Saint Peter, my life was spent on parties, with a different man every day. I loved a good dance, drinking, and having a different man every night. You might call me a creature of the night." said a beautiful Girl.
"Here is a key made of Copper." he said.
"Is that the key to Hell?!"
"No, this is the key, for my apartment."
Three dogs were gathered outside the local meat market salivating over "the side of beef" in the window. A banker's dog, a criminal's dog, and a Union dog. They were discussing ways to get their paws on the side of beef.
First, the banker's dog says, "Why don't we go in and offer to pay for The side of beef on an installment plan, interest rates are low right now and I know I can get us a good deal."
The criminal's dog says, "No, that would take too long...why don't we just run in there, you distract him and I'll grab it and run."
Finally, the union dog says, "I have a better idea. Why don't we just sit out here and whine...they'll give it to us.
Father Joseph went up to Father Fred one afternoon and said, "I am SICK of all this clean living. Tonight let's you and me go out and party. We'll carouse, drink, whatever we want."
Fred was shocked. "Are you crazy? This is a small town and everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn't, they would see our clothes and know we were priests."
Joe was ready for this. "Don't be silly. We won't stay in town, we'll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we'll dress just like anyone else."
In the end, he managed to persuade Fred, and they went out that night and partied like professionals. When they got back home at 5:00 AM, Fred's face became pale. "I just thought of something," he said. "We have to confess this."
Again, Joe was ready. "Relax, I told you, I thought this all out in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess, and you absolve me. Then I go put on my garments, you come in and confess, and I'll absolve you."
Fred was amazed at Joe's brilliance. And so, Joseph went in later that morning and said, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we're both young men, and last night we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal knowledge of prostitutes,used foul language, danced to wicked music."
Fred answered, "God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I be. Do 5'Our Father's' and 5 'Hail Mary's' and youwill be absolved of your sin."
A while later, their places were reversed as Fred came in and confessed everything in detail. There was a short pause, and Joseph answered, "I don't believe this. And you DARE to call yourself a priest? You will do 500 "Our Father's," 500 "Hail Mary's," donate all your money for the next month to the church, and go around the church500 times on your knees praying for God's forgiveness. Then come back and we'll discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees."
"WHAT??!!" Father Fred was shocked."What about our agreement??"
Joe replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I take my job seriously."
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then he took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, is he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver, either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."
There's this couple and they've been dating for quite some time. He wants her really bad, but she won't sleep with him because she's saving herself for marriage. As they were kissing, and doing their thing, he's very hot and bothered, and he said, "Oh come on, just a feel."
She said, "No, I'm saving myself for marriage."
They went back and forth. He said, "Just one feel, I promise, that's all, just one feel."
She finally agreed, "Okay, just one feel, but that's all, just one, I'm saving myself for marriage."
So he puts his hand down her panties and takes a little feel. Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks, "Can't we please?"
She of course states, "NO, I'm saving myself for marriage."
He says, "Please, please?" and she says, "No, absolutely not, I'm saving myself for marriage."
He says, "How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?"
She says, "No way, I'm saving myself for marriage."
He begs and pleads with her, "I promise, just the tip, no more, and we'll stop after that."
She finally gives in, "Okay, but just the tip, no more, and that's all."
He says okay and pulls down her panties and puts the tip in... he so hot and ready that he can't control himself shoves it the whole way in and starts going to town... she meanwhile is moaning and groaning and shouts, "OKAY, GO AHEAD, PUT IT THE WHOLE WAY IN!"
A little stunned, he says, "NO, absolutely not, a deals a deal!"
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Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
Stan Kegel
A Greek Restaurant owner daily teased his Chinese neighbor whenever he met him
"How much is the flied lice today?"
The Chinese restaurant owner would fume and walk back into his restaurant and decided to avoid the Greek owner. One day the Chinese owner decides to go for speech lessons and after three months of intense learning decides to confront the Greek with his new skill.
When the Greek sees the Chinese owner he asks the usual question " How much is the flied lice?"
The Chinese replies confidently:
" It is not flied lice, It is fried rice, you flucking Gleek plick!!!!"
A guy named Bob is travelling by Amtrak with two strangers sitting close to him. He is trying to sleep, but those guys were speaking loudly for a very long time heavily criticizing George Bush, the war in Iraq, corruption, unemployment, etc. Bob, in an attempt to force the guys to stop talking and let him sleep, tells them as a joke, that there is a new total control system developed by the FBI that spies upon all citizens, and there are lots of listening devices everywhere, so that anyone criticizing the government would be severely punished.
This didn't have any effect on those guys. Moreover they just laughed at Bob, and carried on and on, saying even more rude jokes about George Bush and the government.
Finally, close to 3:00 am, Bob goes to the restroom, and runs into the train conductor. Bob asks the conductor to bring him some water and sleeping pills at exactly 3:00 a.m. He goes back to his place and says loudly into the base of his seat, so that talkative guys could hear him: "If the FBI director can hear me: could you please bring me a glass of water and some sleeping pills at 3:00 a.m., because there are some idiots here who are speaking too loudly about some political issues and won't let me sleep."
The guys continue talking.
Exactly at 3:00 am, the door opens and the conductor comes out, gives Bob the water and some sleeping pills.
The guys are shocked and finally stop talking. Bob is happy and manages to fall asleep.
When he wakes in the morning, the talkative guys are nowhere to be found. Out of curiosity he asks the conductor about them, (also remembering that there shouldn't have been any stops at night).
The conductor replies that some people in black suits stopped the train and arrested those guys. Bob is completely shocked and surprised and asks about why he was not arrested.
The conductor answers that he doesn't have a clue but one of the guys in black suits said that the director of the FBI liked Bob's joke about the water and pills.
A man went to have a tooth pulled, and the dentist said, "I will need to give you an anesthetic."
The man said, "No, I don't need anything. Just pull the tooth."
The dentist said, "You won't be able to withstand the pain!"
The man said, "I have been through excruciating pain twice in my life. Just pull the tooth."
The dentist pulled the tooth, and the man didn't even flinch. The dentist said, "If pain experience left you with that pain tolerance, I would like to know about it."
The man said, "I went on a hunting trip with three other men, and we stayed in a cabin. We hunted Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and when Thursday came, all were tired but me...so I went out by myself. When I got about four miles from the cabin, on snow-covered ground, I realized I had to 'do my business.' Knowing I couldn't make it back to the cabin, I decided to go right there. I tucked behind a tree and dropped my pants and squatted down to go. I didn't see the trap under the snow cover, and when I squatted, my balls dropped in the trap and tripped it, and it slammed shut on them."
The dentist said, "Wow! If that was the first time, when was the second experience?"
"When I ran out of chain on the trap."
One Liners
Confucius: When in doubt, whip it out.
When the guys laugh at me for volunteering at the women's mental health clinic I just shrug it off. But when they tell me I'm f*cking nuts, I have to smile, because then I know they understand.
You can divide people into two groups: the part severed above the waist, and the part severed below.
I just bought myself a pair of mood underwear. When I'm ecstatic, they glow pink. When I'm terrified, a brown strip appears down the middle.
My girlfriend loves to do it doggy style. I'd probably like it, too, if it weren't for that part where she humps the mailman.
My pet goldfish was sick, so I decided to take him to the vet -- but unfortunately, he died on the way there. Maybe I didn't put enough air holes in the box.
I came up with a great cardio routine that's action-packed, always different and never gets boring. I call it "Kick a Stranger."
The other day, I tried some Kentucky jelly. It didn't taste very good, but it sure does make the peanut butter go down real easy.
It just isn't fair. I never had any juvenile impulses at all until after I was old enough to be tried as an adult.
I can sum up the next BIG thing in four words: Silly String Cat Food. Oh yeah, baby, I would give up my Nintendo for a piece of that!
Sure, they talk a big game about how their hiring practices don't discriminate based on sexual orientation -- but you should have seen how quickly my flower shop job interview ended when I let slip I was a florasexual.
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