Sunday, Jul 11, 2010
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A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he had determined to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 am., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle they had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, then they're not."
The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again. The following morning, MUD again!!!
This continued all week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field."
"Neither," reported his wife. "They're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."
Golf Czar
0bama has now appointed a Golf Czar. Announcements were just made of major rule changes in the game of golf which will become effective 01 June 2010. This is only a preview as the complete rule book is being rewritten as we speak. Here are a few basic changes:
Golfers with handicaps:
- below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%.
- between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees.
- above 18 will get a $25 check each time they play.
The dollar amount placed in bets will be as follows:
-for handicaps below 10, an additional $10.
-between 11 and 18, no additional amount.
-above 18, you will receive the total amount in the pot even if you do not play.
The term "gimme" will be changed to "entitlement" and will be used as follows:
-handicaps below 10, no entitlements.
-handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts.
-handicaps above 18, if your ball is on green, no need to putt, just pick it up.
These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring. In addition, a player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given 18-hole round. Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par, can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again.
The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes, but the term 'net score' will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above. This is intended to 'redistribute' the success of winning by making sure that in every competition, the above 18 handicap players will post only 'net score' against every other player's gross score.
These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf. Golf must be about Fairness. It should have nothing to do with ability or the person actually working toward a goal.
Nude Runner
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope..just when it's raining.'
It was the first day of the school year, and an elementary teacher was trying to get to know her students.
"What did you do this summer?" the teacher asked Suzie.
"Me and my family went to the beach a lot," Suzie answered.
"That sounds like fun," said the teacher. "How about you, Emma? What did you do this summer?"
"Me and my family rode our bikes together."
"That sounds lovely," said the teacher. She continued with all her pupils until she got to shy Mikey in the corner of the room.
"What did you do this summer, Mikey?"
"Nothing," the boy responded timidly.
"Did you do anything with your family?" the teacher asked, try to draw Mikey out.
"Yes."
"Did you go to the beach?"
"No."
"Did you ride bikes?"
"No, never!" the boy burst out. "We can never ride bikes together!"
"Why not?" said the shocked teacher.
"I don't know," explained Mikey, "but dad always said, when mom and sis start 'cycling together', it's time to get the hell out of town."
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What's the difference between a golf ball and a clitoris??
Men will spend hours looking for a golf ball
A husband comes home with a half-gallon of ice cream and asks his wife if she wants some. "How hard is it?" she asks.
"About as hard as my dick." he replies.
"Ok, then pour me some!"
Q: What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis?
A: It's easy to blow a paycheck, even if it wrinkly, stained or smells funny.
Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won't accept a 3½" floppy
When is it ok for a guy not to know the proper spelling of 'clitoris'?
When he has it on the tip of his tongue.
How can you tell when a man is dead?
He stays stiff for more than two minutes.
Q. What happens when a man undoes his fly?
A. His brain falls out.
Men do too get PMS:
Penis Malfunction Syndrome.
Pre-Middle aged Syndrome.
Post Macho Syndrome.
What is the definition of a penis?
It's a little root for a big vegetable!
Men come in three sizes:
small, medium, and OOoohhh yesss!
Bug Spray
A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."
The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the corn field. Sure enough,the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.
The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "For crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have a Mother!!!"
I Won, I Won....
Louie walks into work one Monday morning with a huge grin on his face. One of his co-workers says, "Why are you so happy?" Louie says, "I played Bingo for the first time in my life this weekend and I won a thousand bucks!"
A week later, Louie walks into work on Monday morning and he's skipping down the hall, high-fiving everyone. One of his co-workers says, "You win at Bingo again?" Louie says, "No, no, it's better than that. I bought my first lottery ticket this weekend and I won five grand. I'm feeling so damn lucky that I think I'm going to ask that new Hindu girl in accounting out on a date!"
The next Monday morning, Louie is doing cartwheels down the hall. One of his co-workers says, "Did you win another lottery?" Louie says, "No, no, it's better than that. You know that Hindu girl in accounting I asked out? Well, we had a great time at dinner, so I invited her up to my apartment for drinks, we wind up in bed, and the next thing I know she's giving me the best blow job I ever had!"
The co-worker says, "Man, are you frigging lucky!" Louie says, "No, no, it's better than that. She's blowing me, I look down, and you know that red dot on her forehead? I scratched it . . . .....and I won another ten grand!"
One Liners
Saying something over and over again doesn't make it true -- unless, of course, you're saying, "I'm obnoxious and repetitive."
I cried because I had no shoes, then I met a man whom life had given lemons.
Finally!! Someone invented a digital level and Home Depot has them on sale. The days of pulling my hair out trying to decipher the bubble on those old analog models is over!!
My mother asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party. That's when I realized he was her favorite twin.
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Confucius: Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable.
A useless message in my in-box trumpeted, "Satisfy the girls with a bigger dick!" Hey, I wouldn't be caught dead with a girl with a dick, especially if it's bigger than mine.
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