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A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life.
The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.
Finally, he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did she look?"
"Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"
"She was watching us through the window."
Back in the Cold War days, Ivan was a diplomat and spy. He was new to the USA and lived in Washington, D.C. for past six months. He soon complained to Boris, his aide, that he needed a woman.
Boris dropped off a high-priced hooker at his door the following Saturday night. Ivan plied her with some vodka and caviar. As she took her top, he noticed that her armpits were shaved. He said, pointing top his own pits, "Vomen in the old country have wool - they have wool!"
She responded, "It's customary and fashionable to shave our underarms."
They drank more vodka and ate more caviar. She removed her slacks. He noticed that her legs are shaved also. He repeated, "Vomen in the old country have wool - they have wool!" Once more, she said, "It's customary and fashionable to shave our legs."
After more vodka and caviar, he pulled down her panties and saw that her privates were trimmed. He exclaimed again, "Vomen in the old country have wool - they have wool!"
She then asked in loud voice, "Look buddy, did you want to screw or knit?"
A husband and wife had quarreled for a quite a while. After a cool down period, the wife went to her husband the next morning and asked, "Honey, what are you doing?"
Her husband tried to hide the document in hand and mumbled, "Nothing."
His wife, who had seen what the document was, became very upset. "Nothing? I see you reading our Marriage certificate. Why you even got out a magnifying glass! You've been looking that over upside down, backwards, forwards, every which way! What's that all about?"
Dejected, her husband said, "Well, if you must know, I was looking for the expiration date!"
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BB's in the other. He tripped and the BB's, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.
Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"
Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"
"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary!"
Astromer
An astronomer went on an expedition to Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun. Unfortunately, cannibals captured him the day before the eclipse was due. He hatched a plan out of "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court:" he figured he'd threaten to extinguish the sun unless he were released. But of course the timing had to be just right.
So, in the few words of the cannibals' tongue that he knew, he asked his guard what time they planned to kill him.
The guard answered, "Tradition has it that captives are killed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal."
The astronomer thought, "Great," as the guard continued, "But in your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."
Upon reaching 65, I decided to retire. After having me under foot for a few months, my wife became very agitated with me. She suggested I go and do something to occupy my time, like join a club or get a hobby. I obliged and went out for a couple of hours.
When I got home my wife asked about my day and I replied, "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys. And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.
"What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."
"You crazy old coot, where's your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
"Oh, great! Now what am I going to do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"
Gordon
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Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young Freddie aside and explains that a certain amount of decorum is required.
"You should have said, 'The bull is surprising the cow'- not some filth picked up in the playground," he says.
A few days later, Freddie comes in again as his aunt and uncle are entertaining.
"Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows! The adults share a knowing grin.
Uncle John says, "Thank you Freddie, but surely you meant to say the cow, not cows.
A bull cannot 'surprise' more than one cow at a time, you know..." "Yes, he can!" replies his obstinate nephew. "He's fucking the horse!
Billy, a little bunny rabbit, was hopping down the field, when he met a sheep. Hopping up to the sheep, he said, "I'm a little dirty bastard, who are you?"
The sheep replied, "I'm a sheep, and you're not a little dirty bastard, you're a bunny."
Billy just shook his head and continued on his merry way, looking at the clouds and smelling the flowers as he hopped along the field. Soon he met a goat. Hopping up to the goat, he said, "I'm a little dirty bastard, who are you?"
The goat replied "I'm a goat, and you're not a little dirty bastard, you're a bunny."
Billy just shook his head and continued on his merry way, looking at the clouds and smelling the flowers as he hopped along the field. Then he met a horse. Hopping up to the horse, he said, "I'm a little dirty bastard, who are you?"
The horse replied "I'm a horse, and you're not a little dirty bastard, you're a bunny."
Billy just shook his head and continued on his merry way, looking at the clouds and smelling the flowers as he hopped along the field. Eventually, as Billy hopped along, he came across the cutest, prettiest little girl bunny that you have ever met. She knocked his socks off. Billy hops up to her, cleared his throat, and said, "I'm a little dirty bastard, who are you?"
She looked at him, smiled and said, "My name is Christeen, and I'm a little bunny. What's your name? Why do you say you're a little dirty bastard?"
Billy said, "My name is Billy, and I am a little dirty bastard. Everyone says so."
Christeen turned her pretty little nose up into the air, and said, "If you can't talk decently, go away!" And so saying she turned around and started to eat some grass.
Billy hopped on and shagged her like crazy.
Christeen jumped up and said, "Why, you little dirty bastard!"
Whereupon, Billy smiled and hopped away.
Then there were these two guys who had gone to the same college and become great friends. During college, they had a great time.
Anything that was going on, they were always right in the middle of it.
Then they graduated, however, they each went their own separate way.
Two or three years later, they ran into one another on the street. They were very happy to see each other, and, during the conversation, one of them asked the other what he was doing for work.
"I'm an undertaker," responded the friend.
"That doesn't sound like you. During college, you were always the one looking for excitement." "There is plenty of excitement in this racket," explained the friend.
"Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a hotel room. When I entered the room, he was laying there on the bed, stark naked, with a huge erection. I didn't want to take him out like that, so I took a hanger from the closet, and gave it a good swat ... You want to talk about excitement???
I WAS IN THE WRONG ROOM!!!"
Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for s their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".
The second man married a telephone operator. Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...Va-voom.".
The third man married a school teacher. Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid".
The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.
At 6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast.
The nurse's husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. Dave asked, "What happened, sir? You married a nurse."The man sourly replied, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, " You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary."
At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again. The telephone operator's husband called for breakfast. Dave brought it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed. Dave asked, "What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as their voices." The man sourly replied, "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, "Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."
Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband would be calling any minute. Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast. Dave couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. The man opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The man was wearing only his boxers, his hair was a mess, and he had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs. Dave, fearing the worst, asked, "What happened to you? Did you have a fight?" The man smiled and happily replied, "No, son. When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying, "We are going to do this over and over, until we get it right."
Trivia
Harness racing is a worldwide sport where a special breed of horses, called Standardbreds, race around a track while pulling a driver in a two-wheeled cart, called a sulky. It is seen in more than 30 countries by millions of fans who wager more than $3 billion annually. The horses reach speeds of more than 30 mph.
By the mid 18th century most European countries and the United States turned their attention to the production of harness racing horses as a specialized breed. In all of these attempts the English Thoroughbred played a significant role. In Russia, Count Orlov was at this time producing his famous Orlov Trotters, and later they were reinforced with Thoroughbred blood. One of the resultant foals was Bellfounder who, in turn, sired Messenger, the most famous and influential of all harness racing sires.
In 1788 the great sire Messenger was brought to America where he stood at stud for 20 years. One of his sons, Hambletonian, became the father of the American Standardbred breed of harness racing horses.
In the United States, every Standardbred horse can trace its heritage to Hambletonian, born May 5, 1849, in the tiny hamlet of Sugar Loaf, N.Y.
The name Standardbred originated because the early trotters (pacers would not come into the picture until later) were required to reach a certain standard of time for the mile distance in order be registered as part of the new breed. The mile is still the standard distance covered in nearly every harness race.
Today, harness racing can still be found in the hundreds of country fairs that host the sport, and the numerous parti-mutuel tracks across North America. The sport is also popular worldwide in countries such as Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Sweden, Norway, Italy, and France.
Fact: When you see an "A" or an "N" after a horse's name in the race program, this means they originiated from either Australia or New Zealand!
According to a survey of sex shop owners, cherry is the most popular flavor of edible underwear. Chocolate is the least popular.
"Ithyphallophobia" is a morbid fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis.
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