Tuesday, Jul 13, 2010
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Sven was looking for a job and heard that their was an opening for ajanitor at the local Lutheran church.
He applied for the job and the interview went very well. "You havethe job," he was told, "just sign this paper."
Sven made a big "X" on the paper. "What's that?" he was asked.
"That's my mark."
"You're supposed to sign your name."
"That's my mark," Sven replied, "I cannot read or write."
"What? We're sorry to work here you have to be able to sign your name."
Well, Sven finally got himself a job as a mate on a tugboat, and eventually he became captain of his own tugboat.
He did well for himself and eventually had a fleet of ships of hisown and became one of the wealthiest men in the community.
One day the mayor decided to honor him for setting such a goodexample for other immigrants, and what they can accomplish with hard work and ingenuity.
The mayor says, "Sven, we want to give you the key to the city! Just sign this form."
Sven made a big "X" on the paper.
"What's that?" he was asked."That's my mark."
"Your mark?" The mayor asked.
"Aih, I cannot read or write, so that's my mark."
"You accomplished all of this not being able to read or write?" The mayor exclaimed. "Just think what you could have done if you couldread and write!"
"Yes," Sven said. "I could have been a church janitor."
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.
After the man received the full treatment - shave, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was done and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "It looks like your daddy forgot all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
A woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it!
"Oh my God!" she exclaims and drives into town to find the local law.
She sees the local sheriff"s car parked in front of the town bar. "It figures," she says as she storms inside.
The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff who's sitting at the bar with his drink.
"What kind of sick town are you running here?! I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal, and then I come in here, and see this old man in the corner jacking-off! Right in public!"
"Well, ma'am," the sheriff slowly replies, "You don't expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya?"
A couple were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honour.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one .... 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in fromLos Angelesbetween depositions and didn't have time to shop for you." "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're all bastards?"
"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."
A Scotsman went into a phone booth and called a number.
Connected, he said, "Mary, my love, will you marry me? Think it over and call me." He gave her the number of the phone in the booth. Hours went by and the Scotsman stood around.
The phone didn't ring once.
Another Scot, watching from a pub across the street, came over and said, "Look, lad. She won't marry you. You might as well come in and have a pint. Not that I'm buying, mind you."
The waiting Scot waved off his friend and continued to wait.
Suddenly the phone rang. The Scot said, "Mary's the girl for me, I knew that. She was waiting for the night rates!"
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One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE ! '
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies,' I'll miss you.........
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.
On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh!
Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh....immediately he turned 90!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked,"Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?""Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbequed ribs?" I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, or rock climbing ?""No, I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?""No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?"
Three horny Mosquitoes named Mike, John & Chuck were hanging out on a tree, checking out the fine female lightning bugs fly by. They were talking about who could screw the hottest lightning bug.
Mike sees a bright light fly by and land, he flies over and screws it. He flies back to tell his buddies that she was really hot.
John sees an even brighter light fly by and land, he flies over and screws it. Flies back and tell his buddies she was hotter than Mike's lightning bug.
Chuck sees a bright red light fly by and land, he flies over pulls his penis out pokes the light and screams, comes back and both of his buddies were happy for Chuck, but Chuck doesn't look happy.
Mike asks "What's wrong, did she slap you?"
Chuck says "No"
John asks " Did she kick you?"
Chuck says "No, I think she was a cigarette".
Trivia
Most gemstones contain several elements. Except the diamond — it's all carbon.
Walt Disney's famous ducky made his first appearance (as a bit player) on film June 9, 1934 in The Wise Little Hen. Donald Duck went on to quack his way into mischief and stardom in 127 cartoons and features before his final appearance in 1961. The irascible duck is known the world over and is the best-recognized Disney creation after Mickey Mouse.
His girlfriend, Daisy, was seen for the first time in 1937. Kids came later, in the form of nephews, Huey, Dewey and Louie; along with Donald's miserly uncle, Scrooge McDuck. All have appeared not only in films, but also in comic books and TV cartoons.
Donald's distinctive quack was voiced originally by Clarence Nash. Quack, quack, quack...
Errol Flynn worked as an inspector for a soft drink company before he became a major film star.
Although the first flight of any significant length, in any object, was achieved by a man on November 21, 1783; a woman did it higher, and longer on this day in 1784. Elisabeth Thible of Lyon, France was the first woman to fly in a hot-air balloon. Her flight lasted 45 minutes, that's 20 minutes longer than the flying trip her male counterparts (Dr. Pilâtre de Rozier and his faithful courtier, the Marquis d'Arlandes) took some 6 months earlier.
Mme. Thible's balloon, named Le Gustave (after Sweden's King Gustav III, who viewed the ascent), rose 8,500 feet (2,591 meters). The guys only made it to 2,953 feet (900 meters).
Elisabeth (in France) -- or Elizabeth (in England and the U.S.) or Marie (in those places where she has been confused with a man named Marie) -- was guided in her quest by pilot (and artist) Monsieur Fleurant, who told reporters that the opera singer "sang like a bird" while she drifted across Lyon. We suppose she sang, "Up, up and away in my beautiful balloon..."
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