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Thorn was trying real hard to get the best-looking cheerleader in school to go out on a date with him. She finally agreed, but only on condition that he arrange a date for her best friend too. That was fine with Thorn, but when Friday night came around he hadn't been able to line anyone up so he asked his retarded brother Futhman if he would help him out. "Why sure," said Futhman, "but you know, I've never been out with a girl before."
"No problem," said Thorn. "Just do everything I do."
Off the four of them go to the drive-in, and when Thorn started kissing his date, Futhman followed suit. Soon Thorn had the cheerleader's bra undone, so Futhman undid his date's. Next, Thorn was feeling inside her panties, but when Futhman tried to follow suit, his date told him to quit.
"Why?" asked Futhman, anxiously noting that his brother was getting quite a head start in the front seat.
"I have my period," she said.
"You're what?"
"I'm bleeding down there," she explained, blushing.
"This I gotta see," said Futhman. He turned on the headlights, dragged his date out in front of the car, and pulled down her pants. White-faced, he said, "Hell, I'd be bleeding too, if my dick were chopped off!"
Jack Benny and George Burns became friends when both were young performers working their way up through the vaudeville circuit and they remained friends until Benny died. One day, they were lunching at a Hollywood restaurant, and Benny was wrestling with the problem of whether or not to butter his bread. "I like butter on my bread," he said. "But my diet strictly forbids butter. Maybe I should call Mary and ask her what to do."
"Jack," Burns said, "don't be ridiculous. You're a grown man. You should be able to decide, without your wife's help, whether or not to butter your own bread."
"You're right," Benny said. "I'll just have the butter, that's all."
When the waiter arrived with the check, Burns pointed to Benny and said, He's paying."
"What?" Benny said. "Why should I have to pay the whole bill?"
"Because if you don't," Burns said, "I'll tell Mary about the butter."
Tarzan
Tarzan and his new homosexual lover, Homo-boy (Jane left him and returned to England) are traveling through the jungle when they are suddenly attacked by a troop of savage Baboons. In the ensuing fight they get separated. As Tarzan fights some of the attackers off, his cowardly homosexual lover clings gingerly to a thin tree branch, barely out of reach of the rest of the savage, attacking Baboons.
After Tarzan has vanquished those Baboons confronting him, he turns just in time to see his new lover's tree branch begin to break. Thinking quickly, Tarzan leaps for a vine and swings precariously towards his newfound sweetheart, Homo-boy. As he nears him, Tarzan yells, "Grab the vine, Homo-boy, grab the vine!"
Homo-boy, reaches out as Tarzan swings by... Homo-boy makes a quick grab.
Suddenly, Tarzan screams, "Aaiiieeeeeeeee!" "I SAID THE VINE DAMMIT, THE VINE!"
From that day forth, Tarzan was the best-hung male in the jungle...
One day, little Tommy, bored out of his mind, went to his father for suggestions on what to do to pass the time. "I`ll tell you what," said the father, "take this dollar and run into town and get me a dollars worth of what`s what."
Tommy grabbed the dollar, hopped on his bike and rode into town. Once there, he had to decide what store would have the what`s what. He stopped in front of the pharmacy and went in. He went to the pharmacist`s desk, held up the dollar and said, "I`d like a dollar`s worth of what`s what, please."
The pharmacist knew immediately that the boy was on a wild goose chase and said, "If you go across the street, to the house with the red light on the front porch, they can get you some what`s what."
Tommy ran across the street and knocked on the front door. A tall, stunning blonde, completely naked, opened the door. Her "bush" was right in little Tommy`s face. Pointing to it he said, "what`s that?" "What`s what?" the prostitute replied. Tommy then replied, "Good, I`ll take a dollar`s worth."
An Indian joins the army. As he can't speak English, his friend joins with him to act as translator. After training they are sent to war and soon find themselves in the heat of battle. After a short skirmish they are separated.
The non-English speaking Indian ends up in a fox hole with three huge marines.
The first marine says to the rest, "I'm not waiting here to be killed I'm gonna try to make it back to the rest of the troops."
He then jumps out of the foxhole and starts to run across the field. He gets about fifty yards before he is cut in half by machine gun fire.
The second marine says, "I agree with him. I'm gonna try to make it back."
He jumps out of the hole and starts to run. Twenty yards out he steps on a mine and is blown to bits.
The third and largest marine says, "The hell with this I'm gonna wait here for the troops to save us."
After trying to talk to the Indian he soon realizes he doesn't speak English. Thinking Indians know sign language he again tries to communicate.
Walking his fingers across his hand he asks the Indian, "Are you in the infantry?"
The Indian just looks at him.
Then putting two fingers together and bringing down in an arc he asks, "Are you with the paratroopers?"
Still no response.
This time he puts one finger between two on the other hand and says, "Boom, boom, are you with artillery?"
Again no response.
The marine says, "I know", putting his hands over his eyes to mimic using binoculars he says, "you're with reconnaissance, right?"
With this the Indian jumps out of the hole and runs like hell. He zigzags back and forth through the field using any cover he can find till finally he makes it back to his squad.
There he finds his Indian friend.
His friend asks, "Are you crazy you could have been killed?"
The Indian replies, "My chances better in field than that foxhole! In the last foxhole, a big marine tell me, 'When troops go home and moon go down him gonna fuck me up ass till eyes bug out!'"
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So she went out to the hayloft. Pretty soon a traveling salesman came by and asked to be put up for the night. He too was dispatched to the hayloft.
Somewhat later, a neighboring farmer, fearing that he wouldn't make it home before dark, stopped and asked to be put up for the night.
He was also sent to the hay loft, but since he was an acquaintance, the farmer added somewhat maliciously,
"There's already a couple of people out there and it should be fun because what I didn't tell 'em is that an old bear sleeps out there too!".
Next morning the farmer was up early doing his chores when the prostitute left the barn.
"Had a good night?", he asked.
"Well, I had a pretty good night", she replied, "I got $50 from the traveling salesman, and I got $25 from the old farmer, but you know, I couldn't get a dime out of that cheap college kid with the racoon coat!".
This guy went into a bar, sat down on a stool, and ordered a Bloody Mary. The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't have that, but we've got the next best thing."
The guy asked, "Okay, what is it," and the bartender said, "We've got a Harry Man." The guy said, "No thanks."
Then the guy asked, "How about a virgin?" and the bartender replied, "Sorry, we don't have that either. But we got the next best thing."
The guy asked, irritated, "Okay, what is it?" The bartender replied, "We got a Furry Belly."
The guy looked around and saw everyone drinking and said, "All right, fine, I'll have one."
So the guy had about five, and when he was finished the bartender walked over to him and told him how much he had to pay. He reaches deep down inside his pocket and pulls out a couple handfuls of food stamps. The bartender looked at the food stamps and said, "Hey, this isn't money!"
And the guy says, "I know, but it's the next best thing."
Fireman
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.'
From now on when I say BELL 1 I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3 We are going to make love all night.'
The next night he came home from work and yelled 'BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?
'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied, 'YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'
A friend of mine spent two weeks touring the West with a Boy Scout troop. They were in a bank cashing checks, and one boy was having trouble because he had lost his wallet. He still claimed he had identification, but he didn't want to show it.
The pretty young teller insisted, so the Scout leaned forward and whispered in her ear.
She motioned for him to come behind the counter.
My friend, who was tall enough to see over the counter, saw the blushing boy tug out his shirt tail, fold his belt over in back and then pull up the label on his underwear to show his name neatly printed there.
The teller cashed his check.
Trivia
In the blockbuster hit, E.T., the Extra Terrestrial (1982), Harrison Ford was cast as the school principal, but his only scene was cut. Director Steven Spielberg decided his presence in the film would be too distracting. Ford's wife Melissa Mathison wrote -2E.T.'s screenplay.
The Humane Society estimates that there are 800,000 dog bites that require medical attention every year. Dog bites rank second behind sexually transmitted diseases as the most costly health problem in the United States. Over 60 percent ofthose bitten are children, and 80 percent of the fatalities are also children.
Wood frogs are freeze-tolerant and spend winters frozen on land, only to thaw in the spring and begin their breeding process in vernal ponds.
English playwright William Shakespeare (1564-1616) is indirectly responsible for the presence of starlings in North America. The species did not exist there until, in the 1890s, a wealthy New Yorker named Eugene Scheifflin released 100 birds in the city’s Central Park as part of a project to bring to the United States all the birds mentioned in Shakespeare’s works.
Earth is the only planet not named after a pagan God.
There are more than 7,000 varieties of apples grown in the world. The apples from one tree can fill 20 boxes every year. Each box weighs an average 42 pounds.
It is estimated that a single toad may catch and eat as many as 10,000 insects in the course of a summer.
Though George Clooney started work in show business at age 5 on his father's TV talk show, The Nick Clooney Show, he left and didn't return to acting until age 21. This was only after he was unable to land a Cincinnati Reds center-fielder position.
Root Beer was invented in Biloxi, Mississippi, in 1898 by Edward Adolf Barq, Sr.
Dachshunds are the smallest breed of dog used for hunting. They are low to the ground, which allows them to enter and maneuver through tunnels easily.
On November 28, 1922, the words "Hello USA" were written in the sky over New Your City. This was the first skywriting display!
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