Thursday, Jul 15, 2010
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A cowboy, from East Texas, who shall remain nameless, walked into a hotel barber shop, sat down in the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."
The barber began to lather his face and was sharpening a wicked lookin',shiney old straight edge razor, when a woman appeared out of a back room, sat down on a short stool and began to shine his shoes.
Well this blonde gal had the biggest, firmest, most beautiful Dolly Parton breasts that the cowboy had ever seen -
The cowpoke said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some quality time up in my hotel room."
She giggled and replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.
The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll more than make it worth you time."
She said, "You tell him. He is the guy with the razor that's shaving you."
Two little boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs. The father "gets" the message, and they both get up and head toward the stairs.
The mother turns back to the 2 boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV. We'll be right back, OK?" The two boys nod OK, and the parents take off upstairs.
The oldest of the 2 boys is old enough to know what's going on now,and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his mom and dad's room and shakes his head. Back downstairs he goes, back to his little brother. "Come with me," he says, and the 2 little boys tiptoe up the stairs.
Halfway up, the older brother turns to his brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumb!!!!
A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.
He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.
Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! "
Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!
He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. " I'm your son's second grade teacher"
A good friend of mine was involved in a terrible automobile accident and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon came in to see him and announced,. "I have some bad news, I have to remove your right arm. My friend, was distraught as you can imagine. He had a reputation in the state as one of it's leading amateur golfers, and had used the sport to meet people and advance his business connections very sucessfully,
"Oh God no!" he cried. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, is there any good news?"
The doctor advised, "We think we may have a suitable replacement on hand almost immediately, however it's from a female donor and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant. We feel it will be 90% functional if we proceed without delay and because of your small physical stature will be functionally and cosmetically acceptable after therapy.
My friend, thought briefly, but there was really no option so he looked at me, shrugged at the futility of a decision, shook his head positively and said, "Well OK Doc , let's go for it as long as you promise me I can play golf again."
The operation went well and this spring almost a year later he and I were out on the golf course enjoying our favorite pastime when we bumped into the surgeon that had re-attached the limb.
"Hi, how's the new arm ?" asked the surgeon.
"Just fine" gratefully responded my golfing buddy. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved.""Well that's just great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued my friend, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors." laughing, as he teased the obviously delighted doctor
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem," responded my friend, waiting a second and assuming a serious demeanor, "every time I get the least bit horny, I also get a headache."
HUNTERS
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot it. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted,"The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"
The guy in the front said, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "he'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along,"
A man visited the local clinic and filled out a form requesting an operation to make him sterile.
Under the heading for Reason Requesting The Procedure he wrote: My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.
After getting married, I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?
Then, a doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say, this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant.
Next a lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding, we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy, but the wife got pregnant yet again.
Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse, this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant again.
When I asked the pharmacist about condoms, he was kind enough to demonstrate them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me, as I never did believe that stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies.
Our neighbor, a nurse, suggested we try the coil next, but that didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.
Then, the sister-in-law told the wife about the Dutch cap and it seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.
Eventually, we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it between her knees and, hell, it worked cuz I couldn't get anywhere near her. You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation, I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that just talking about sex is going to be any substitute for the real thing
A gent from Keokuk, Iowa was visiting Atlantic City on a convention for the first time and ran into one of the hookers while walking the boardwalk.
When she offerd a fun time he responded, "How much?" And she replied, "Twenty bucks."
He said, thinking it was a good deal, "OK" and followed her down under,the boardwalk, and had his way with her.
The next night, he's out looking for the same hooker, finds her and they once again go under the boardwalk, only this time while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible hugh farts.
When they're done, he hands her $25.
The woman says, "Why the extra five?"
He happily tells her, "That's for blowing the sand off my ass !"
MAMMOGRAM
"It was like this, Your Honor...I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi, I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown.
'Everything clear?" I'm thinking, "Belinda ... try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine.
It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice...it's Spandex. We can't be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape. Belinda flipped me, (literally), to the left and said, "Can you stand on your tippee toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"
"Fine," I answered. I was freezing, bruised and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity, (with my other boob wedged between those two 4" pieces of square glass), when we heard, then felt, a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off! "What?" I yelled. "Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vice alone, are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy, the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."
Before I could shout, NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass! After exchanging polite "Hi-how's-it-going?"-type greetings, Bubba, (or possibly Earl), asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes...yes I did, thanks." "You'd better, take care," Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezed in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh, I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And, silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honour, is exactly how Belinda's head ended up between the clamps."
Trivia
Astronaut John Glenn ate the first meal in space when he ate pureed applesauce squeezed from a tube aboard Friendship 7 in 1962.
Aunt Jemima pancake flour, invented in 1889, was the first ready-mix food to be sold commercially.
Caffeine: there are 100 to 150 milligrams of caffeine in an eight-ounce cup of brewed coffee, 10 milligrams in a six-ounce cup of cocoa, 5 to 10 milligrams in one ounce of bittersweet chocolate, and 5 milligrams in one ounce of milk chocolate.
California’s Frank Epperson invented the Popsicle in 1905 when he was 11-years-old.
Capsaicin, which makes hot peppers “hot” to the human mouth, is best neutralized by casein, the main protein found in milk.
More than 100 years ago, the felt hat makers of England used mercury to stabilize wool. Most of them eventually became poisoned by the fumes, as demonstrated by the Mad Hatter in Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland. Breathing mercury's fumes over a long period of time will cause erethism, a disorder characterized by nervousness, irritability, and strange personality changes.
Ricin is a protein produced by the castor oil plant, Ricinus communis, which is highly toxic (the minimal lethal dose is around 1 µg / kg body weight, that means 1/15th of a milligram could kill a 150 lb. person). Ricin can be a dangerous contaminant, making the production of castor oil a precisely controlled process.
'Soldiers disease' is a term for morphine addiction. The Civil War produced over 400,000 morphine addicts. There are approximately 250,000 sweat glands in your feet.
There are approximately 45 billion fat cells in an average adult.
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