Friday, Jul 16, 2010
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The only cow in a small town in Alberta, Canada, stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Melfort, Saskatchewan, for $200. They bought the cow from Saskatchewan and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the local veterinarian, who was very wise, what to do. They told the vet what was happening.
"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away" they said. "If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."
The veterinarian thinks about this for a minute and asks, "Did you buy this cow in Saskatchewan?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Saskatchewan?"
The veterinarian replied, with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Saskatchewan."
Fifteen Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whuppin...
Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners, Northeasterners, North westerners, Westerners and Southwestern Urbanites
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.
8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.
12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
14) So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box... minus your ass.
Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. So, Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is, 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped.
Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, "Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring the bottle opener," Steve says. 'I thought *you* packed it."
Joe gets worried. He turns to Poncho.
"Ah... Poncho, do you have the bottle opener?"
Naturally, Poncho doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.
Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steadily.
Twenty days pass, but no sign of Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes and still no Poncho, but... a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless.
"I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.
"NO!" Joe retorts. "We promised., remember?"
Five more days pass and the two are near to starvation. Now near death, the two turtles weakly lift the lid to get a sandwich. As they open their mouths to eat, Poncho pops out behind a rock, and says, "Just for that... I'm not going!"
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The vet looked the dog over and gave him a complete physical. He told the lady, "There's nothing wrong with your dog at all. Look here. He has excessive hair growing in his ears, which led you to believe that he is deaf. He can't hear you, but he isn't deaf.
You can treat this with a depilatory. I haven't got any in stock, but you can get some 'Neet' or 'Nair' at your local pharmacy. This will work just as well as the doggy brand will."
So the lady went to the nearest store and picked up a small bottle of Nair and looked over the instructions. There was nothing on the carton that related to her dog so she took it to the druggist and asked his advice.
"How do I apply this product," she asked. "Do I put it on right out of the bottle or do I dilute it or what?"
The druggist said, "For your legs, put it on straight. Right out of the bottle. For your underarms, I recommend that you dilute it 50-50 with water."
She said, "I don't think that you understand. It's for my schnauzer."
"Oh," said the druggist. "In that case, I suggest that you dilute it 3 to 1 with water. And by the way, I wouldn't ride a bicycle for a few days."
A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer and two people showed up. One as an older man in his mid-60's and the other was a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in her mid 20's.
The circus owner told them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment, a chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The blonde said, "I'll go first." She walked past the chair, the whip and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stopped dead in his tracks sheepishly crawled up to her and started licking her feet and ankles. He continued to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rested his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth was on the floor. He said, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
He then turned to the older man and asked, "Can you top that?"
The older man replied, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
Three nuns were in the church discussing various rumors about the local priest. The first nun reported, "I was going through Father's office the other day, and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"
The other nuns gasped. "What did you do?" they demanded.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash," she replied.
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the Father's room putting away the laundry, and I found a bunch of condoms!
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns, stunned at this apparent violation of the priest's chastity vow.
"What did you do???" they asked.
"I decided to teach him a lesson," said the second nun.
"I poked holes in all of the condoms!"
The third nun fainted.
In a medieval castle lived a king, who with no TV or L games to watch, was becoming bored. So after dinner one night he decided to hold a contest to see who at the court had the mightiest "weapon".
After the contest was announced the first knight stood up and proclaimedthat he had the mightiest weapon... proceeded to pull down his pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it, and his weapon doth rose.
The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.
Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women did swoon while peeking through their veils...the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played joyous music.
After several more knights attempted to prove their superiority...the King finally spoke out.
"I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped his pants
and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. And his weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women screamed, shouted, swooned and passed out from desire...the children waved many colored banners and the band played -
"God Save the Queen."
During the filming of a shoestring production in a Kansas town, the director dreamed up a method for getting a realistic street fight at virtually no expense. "See that couple coming down the avenue?" he asked the leading man. "Go up and insult his wife. When her husband winds up to sock you, we'll start the camera rolling."
As instructed, the actor accosted the husband, demanding, "Is this dame your wife?"
"She certainly is," bristled the man. "Why?"
"Because," sneered the actor, "she's about the homeliest dish I've ever laid eyes on."
At that moment, the husband turned to his wife and exulted, "See? What did I tell you?"
Trivia
The Royal Flag of Scotland, the Lion Rampant flag, should now legally only be used by the monarch in relation to her capacity as Queen in Scotland. However, it is widely used as a second national flag. However, it is not allowable to fly the flag without permission, on a flagpole or from a building. The Lord Lyon once threatened the town councilors of Cumbernauld with an Act passed in 1679 which demanded the death penalty for misuse of the royal flag.
Famous American P.T. Barnum had his obituary published before his death.
The Whisky, located at 8901 Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood, was the West Coast's first discotheque.
The Kentucky Supreme Court has ruled that the prosecution must throw its files wide open to the defense if the accused is suffering from amnesia.
Jaguar images and costumes were outlawed by the Catholic church in the seventeenth century because of their association with Indian religion, militia, and politics.
The State of Nevada first legalized gambling in 1931. At that same time, the Hoover Dam was being built and the federal government did not want its workers (who earned 50 cents an hour) to be involved with such diversions, so they built the town of Boulder City to house the dam workers. To this day, Boulder City is the only city in Nevada where gambling is illegal. Hoover Dam is 726 feet tall and 660 feet thick at its base. Enough rock was excavated in its construction to build the Great Wall of China. Contrary to old wives' tales, no workers were buried in the dam's concrete.
The minimum age for marriage of Italian girls was raised by law to 12 years in 1892.
Japanese bowing carries different meanings at different angles.
- A bow at an angle of five degrees means "Good day" (simple greeting).
- A bow at an angle of fifteen degrees is also a common salutation, a bit more formal it means "Good morning."
- A bow at an angle of thirty degrees is a respectful bow to indicate appreciation for a kind gesture.
- A bow at a forty-five-degree angle is used to convey deep respect or an apology.
Japanese rules for the proper use of chopsticks are many. Improper use includes wandering the chopsticks over several foods without decision, and is called mayoibashi. The unforgivable act of licking the ends of chopsticks is called neburibashi. Lack of chopstick etiquette is strictly taboo.
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