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" How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. The young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all - nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate & a Viagra tablet .. And that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
"What are you people doing?" he says, "I am told you are giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replied the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate & a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep...and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
Anthony and Kathy married. Anthony thought this would be a modern marriage, which meant equal roles for equal partners.
So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, Anthony brought Kathy breakfast in bed.
Kathy wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "A poached egg? I wanted scrambled!"
Undaunted, the next morning, Anthony brought his true love a scrambled egg.
Kathy wasn't having any of it. "Don't you think I like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"
Determined to please Kathy, the next morning he brought his true love two eggs - one scrambled and one poached. "Here, my love... enjoy!"
Kathy was furious, "You scrambled the wrong egg!"
A fellow on his wedding night in the hotel says to his new wife. "My God! I never realized you had such huge droopy breasts." The wife has a major dummy spit and throws him out of the room. While he is sitting in the hall another fellow comes out down the hall. "What happened?" asks the first man.
"Well" replies the other "I first saw my new wife naked tonight, and all I said was "Hells bells! I didn't realize you had such a big fat droopy arse..." Then she threw me out.
Just then a third fellow comes storming out into the hall with a face like thunder. "Hey" says the second fellow, "did you put your foot in it as well?"
"No" says the third fellow, "But, shit! I bloody well could have!"
Three rookies are at batting practice. First guy pops one straight overhead that falls back into the stands. He turns to the batting coach and says, "What did I do wrong?"
The coach says, "Loft."
The next guy steps up and hits a foul that dribbles near the fence by first base. He asks the coach, "What did I do wrong?"
The coach says, "Loft."
The third guy swings and misses. He asks the coach, "What did I do wrong?"
The coach says, "Loft."
As they're walking to the showers, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the coach, "The three of us made completely different swings, and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft?"
The coach says, "Lack of fricking talent."
A young husband returned home to find his new bride preparing to bake a ham. He noticed she had cut off both ends, so he asked her why since it looked like perfectly good ham.
She told him, "I learned that from my mother." He accepted that, ate the ham, and it was great.
At the next family gathering, the young husband asked his new mother-in-law about the ham. She said, "I learned that from my mother."
Grandma came home for Christmas, and the young husband finally had the chance to solve the riddle. He told Grandma about his wife, her mother, and how they had both learned this from her.
Grandma said, "Well... I had a short pan!"
A man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself. After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, his sanity began to slip away.
One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet seaweed on top until smoke is billowing high in the air. The ship starts to come his way!
He gets all excited and thinks, "Finally! I'm going to be saved! The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower. Then they're going to give me some clothes and I'm going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She'll start to take off her clothes and she'll be wearing red silk panties!"
At this, he gets an erection. He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells, "Ha Ha Ha!! I fooled you! I lied about the ship!"
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The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her infidelity. With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had taken her from a miserable existence on a local run-down farm, given her a fine home, provided her with servants, expensive clothes and jewels, and almost anything she desired.
By this time the woman was crying inconsolably, his Lordship then turned his wrath on his supposed friend: "And as for you Archie -- you might at least stop fucking my wife's pussy while I'm talking!"
A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
The man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
Golfer
A golfer went to Hell and when he got there he found true paradise. Lush greens, few bunkers, long and smooth fairways and above all, unlimited people to play with. The golfer thought nothing of his situation and he immediately fetched his clubs. The Devil asked to join him and they began playing.
On the first hole, he hit an eagle and for every hole after that, he got it at first go.
The unfortunate Devil took five strokes to get to the first hole. The rest of the game was repetition of the first hole.
On the eighteenth hole, the golfer decided to call over the other guys who had stopped playing and were watching them. He was sure it would be a hole-in-one again and the Devil would be no match. What was better than defeating the Devil in his own backyard.
As he drew up his Big Bertha driver, he took careful aim and let out a rip-roaring ball towards the flag. The ball sailed nicely and started to descend right on course for the hole. As he watched, the ball touched down three meters (ten feet) from the hole and rolled to the very lip of the cup and was on the verge of either stopping, or dropping in.
Suddenly everything vanished and there he was, roasting in the eternal fire. He cried out in astonishment and then the Devil came and said "Welcome to Hell.and part of it is not seeing whether the ball made it in or not."
The middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher :
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best "birth" story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students.. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall)
'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother.. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring
Stout lady
The doctor gazed at the harassed, stout lady who sat on the other side of his desk. "I was right, Mrs. Green," he announced, "You are definitely pregnant again."
"This will be the fifteenth, doc," said Mrs. Green grimly. "You'll have to help me. Enough is enough. I want one of those hearing aids!"
"A hearing aid?" frowned the doctor. "Surely you mean a contraceptive device?"
"I mean a hearing aid, doctor. You see it's like this. Every Saturday night my husband comes in drunk. When he gets into bed he says, "Now then, are we going to sleep, or what?"
And every blasted time I say, 'What?"
One Liners
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
95% of all people have hemorrhoids. The other 5% are perfect assholes!
A man sued his ex-wife for $1,000,000 for allegedly causing him to become impotent. He lost the case because the evidence did not stand up in court.
Smoking pot and making love are both joint ventures.
When it becomes a crime to love, you should probably consider dating outside the family.
Why do big people make little people, but big trains do not make little trains? Because trains always pull out in time
Did you hear about the prostitute who was into bondage? She was strapped for cash.
Why did Bach have so many children? Because he couldn't find the stops on his organ
Why did God give men penises? So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
How can you tell the head nurse? She's the one with dirty knees
What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild? Money.
Why do bisexuals usually not have strong political convictions? Because they can go either way.
To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it wouldn't kill you to wash your hands in between either.
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