Sunday, Jul 18, 2010
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A flock of sheep are romping in a field, happily going "baa baa" to each other and discussing life as usual when suddenly they hear a "moo mooooooooooooooooooo!"
They look around and see only sheep. They carry on playing as before.
"Moooooo mooooooooooo mmmoo!"
One sheep can hear it all too clearly next to him. He shuffles away a little from his friend, a worried look on his face, and then asks, "Georgie, why are you mooing? You're a sheep. Sheep go `baa'!"
His friend replies gladly, "I know. I thought I would learn a foreign language!"
Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation.
By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress.
Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded.
"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button."
"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.
"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied.
"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."
Little Johnny
Little Johnny lived on a farm and watched the calves feeding from their mothers each morning with great interest.
He was only able to see his girlfriend once every 2 weeks, so one day he got a good idea.
Early one morning he took off to the barn, slipped his manhood out, and put it in front of one of the calves. The calf thought it was its mother, and took to sucking right away. As he was enjoying himself he noticed some hay fall down from the loft. Glancing up he saw his father looking down at him with a real mean look on his face.
Thinking very quickly, Little Johnny looked at his father and screamed, "Are you gonna help me or are you just gonna stand there and let him eat me alive!?"
AAADD KNOW THE SYMPTOMS
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter The flowers don't have enough water, There is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail...
Alford & Hoff is the first luxury men's skin care and fragrance brand that meets the needs of today's modern man. Our classic fragrance and luxury skin care products are sold at fine retailers such as Bergdorf Goodman, Neiman Marcus and the Ritz Carlton. Click the pic or copy/paste http://tinyurl.com/yjoo6xo |
Lots of fun novelty items
The Prank Place... Fun and Outrageous place to shop
This site is a must see, it has dozens, hundreds of fun items. All the items you need for practical jokes, or just having fun. Family and adult oriented stuff. Click the link, it doesn't hurt or cost anything to look.
Click here to Read Random Jokes
 Woodgamz.com manufactures and sells wood games and cornhole products. The object of cornhole is to toss corn filled bags into a angled wooden board roughly 30 feet a part. Cornhole is very similar to horse shoes, but much safer. Games for the young and young at heart. Click the pic or copy/paste http://tinyurl.com/yzkgo4p |
"Hallo David, I am so pleased to see you! It's my parents' Golden wedding anniversary next week and I would like you come to the party."
"That's nice, Abe. Thank you, yes, I will come."
"Maybe you have some friends you can bring with you, yes? It's nice to have many people at a party!"
"Yes...I can bring Sammy Cohen, and also Izzy Schwartz."
"Good, good! Only don't forget to remind them to bring something gold."
"Okay! I'll tell them."
So David Rosenbaum brought a goldfish, Sammy Cohen brought a jar of Gold Blend coffee and Izzy Schwartz brought Nat Goldstein.
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.
She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.
Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep!
Hal is petrified of girls, so he asks his friend Lenny how he meets so many nice chicks.
Lenny says, "I have a surefire method to feel them out. I go up behind a girl and whisper, 'Tickle your ass with a feather?' And when she turns around and asks what I said, I say, 'Typical nasty weather.' If she smiles or laughs, I know she has a sense of humor, we chat, and it all happens naturally. Try it."
The next night, nervous but desperate, Hal goes to a very crowded bar, and sits in the corner, stewing, nursing a drink, getting more uptight every second. Finally, he walks up behind the nicest girl in the place, and after a few minutes of stammering, blurts out so everybody can hear, "Stick my finger in your ass?"
She turns around and says, "WHAT!?"
He says, "It's freaking pouring outside."
A young apprentice talent agent went out to dinner and a few drinks one night. After a few drinks he met a woman and they had a few drinks together then ended up at his place.
Things start to get pretty hot and he goes down on her. When he gets close to it he hears something, so he puts his ear closer and hears singing. It's a high pitched sweet voice singing an old song.
The man is so excited he forgets all about sex, he gets on the phone and calls his boss.
"Hello Joe you gotta hear this," and he puts the phone down by her pussy where the singing is still going on. "Did you hear that Joe, Did you hear it?"
Joe says, "What the hell's wrong with you? Did you wake me up at three o'clock in the morning just to hear some cunt sing!
The following is an ad that appeared four days in a row in a real-life newspaper -- the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.
MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred in R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 PM."
WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!
One Liners
The handy thing about credit cards is that they're a great way to pay off your credit cards.
I'm a pretty patient person. Just as long as I'm not kept waiting for anything.
Remember the "Twilight Zone" episode where a man went all day without saying anything stupid? That'll never happen in real life.
Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful.
Confucius: Man who lay maiden in pantry get ass in jam.
My complaint - People who think the seat next to them is a place to plunk down their gym bag/back pack on a crowded bus.
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy - Tom Clancy
You know that 'look' women get when they want sex? Me neither. - Steve Martin
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good. - Drew Carey
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. - Woody Allen
If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all. - Rodney Dangerfield
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. - Woody Allen
I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. - George Burns
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