Monday, Jul 19, 2010
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There's this cathedral that's still being worked on, and the workers have rigged a "cage elevator" inside so they can get material up and down to the upper floors.
A characteristic of these 'cage elevators' is that the doors (gate) must be closed manually for them to be 'called' to another floor.
One day one of the workers, Peter by name, takes the elevator to the top floor, and it is subsequently needed on the first floor by the sexton.
Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open.
After the sexton rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to send the lift back down.
Visitors to the cathedral were treated to this sight:
The sexton of the cathedral, head tipped up, yelling to the heavens: "Peter! CLOSE THE GATES!!!"
Randy
It's about 10 p.m. on a Wednesday night, and a guy sitting at a bar finishes his drink and is about ready to go home.
Before he gets a chance to walk out, the bartender says to him,
"Hey buddy," why're ya goin' home so soon? I usually see you here until past midnight. Something wrong tonight?"
The guy responds,
"No ain't nothin' wrong, just gotta sore butt from sittin' on this bar stool for so long."
"Buddy, I got just the thing for ya," says the bartender as he's reaching up to the top shelf behind the bar.
He pulls down a bottle of pills, opens the bottle up, and hands the guy two white pills.
The guy looks at the pills in his hand and says,
"What're these, aspirin?"
"Nooo," says the bartender..... "stool softener."
The manager of a large office noticed one of his department heads had hired a new man, so the boss called him into his office for a little orientation speech. "What is your name?" he asked.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last names only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
Police officer
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
Blonde Year in Review
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels ... "duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tri! ed to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!
Whew!! What a year!!
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Paul wanted to get away from it all, so he set off to explore the world. After having a fine time in Europe, and a couple of months in Spain, he ended up in the Amazon. He wandered around for a few weeks, and then decided to really explore it. He walked for miles and miles, eating fruit and any animals he could catch, and getting happily lost. He did have a slight run-in with a crocodile, but he managed to escape, and carried on.
He found a stunningly beautiful area and set up home there for a while, building a nice home out of wood, and learning skills that he never deemed he would. After living in his home for 3 months, he was beginning to feel lonely, so he headed off again.
This time he made progress, following the river along, and moving quickly to find some companionship. He ate well, catching fish, but the fish were no good at conversation, so he soon got desperately bored.
After a couple of weeks, he saw a large building. He went an knocked on the door, and a monk opened it. "Hello" said the monk (Monks are know for being friendly, and saying 'hello')
"Hello," said Paul, "I'm Paul"
"Do come in Paul, our Monastery is your Monastery, any thing you want, just ask, but we are about to have dinner, won't you join us?"
"I'd love to" said Paul.
Dinner was a feast the likes of which Paul had never seen. The wine was beautiful, and Paul hadn't had any alcohol for many months, and he ate like a pig. After dinner, with all the alcohol flowing through his blood stream, Paul needed some sleep. The monk showed him to his room, and Paul slept like a baby.
The next morning, Paul awoke feeling like a new man. He couldn't find one, so he settled for a monk(!)
The Monk said "If you want anything at all, please just ask".
"OK, I will have a think about that" said Paul
"Really," said the monk, "It would be a pleasure for us to supply you with anything that your heart desires".
Paul spent the next few days enjoying the food and wine, and going with the Monks to pray, and then, having had plenty of time to think about it, he had a quiet word with the Monk.
"Can you really supply me with anything I desire?" asked Paul.
"Anything at all, you name it, and we will get it for you."
"OK, if you are sure," Said Paul, "I would love a hair-dryer, a Macintosh, 7 candles, a sheep, some butter, a pair of wellies, and a goat"
"Let me get this right," said the Monk, "You want a hair-dryer, a Macintosh, 7 candles, a sheep, some butter, a pair of wellies, and a goat?"
"Please," said Paul, "And a white sheep, not a black one, if that is OK?" "A white sheep? OK, No problem, but it might take a little time"
The next 8 days went by with good food, good wine, good prayers, and no sheep, etc. On the ninth day, the Monk went up to Paul, and said "Well, it was hard work, but we have got you a hair-dryer, a Macintosh, 7 candles, a white sheep, some butter, a pair of wellies, and a goat, they are all in your room."
"That is Great" said Paul, "I will go and check them all now."
An hour later, he found the monk, and said "I am sorry to trouble you, but the hairdryer doesn't have a 'cold-air' option, is it possible to change it?"
"Of course it is" said the monk, who wandered off muttering something about 'not being a bloody Argos store'.
The next day, Paul found a new hair-dryer outside his door, with a cold option. He was ecstatic. The Monks didn't see much of Paul for the next few weeks, but they heard some very odd noises from his room.
After a month or so, Paul announced to the Monk that he really ought to think about heading home.
"OK, well thank you for visiting us." Said the Monk.
"I shall miss you all, you have been so kind to me, treating me like a long lost son, feeding me, supplying everything that I desire, how can I ever repay you?" Paul asked the Monk.
"Well, there is one thing" said the Monk, "I would love to know why you wanted a hair-dryer (hot and cold air), a Macintosh, 7 candles, a white sheep, some butter, a pair of wellies, and a goat?"
"Oh, the hair-dryer (hot and cold air), a Macintosh, 7 candles, a white sheep, some butter, a pair of wellies, and a goat? Well, can you keep a secret?"
"Yes I can." said the monk.
And he did.
Stan
FIRST DEGREE
Boudreaux and his wife were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. Boudreaux picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The wife said, "Who was that?" Boudreaux answered, "I don't know, some man wanting to know if the coast is clear."
SECOND DEGREE
Two Cajuns are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. He opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second Cajun says, "Here, let me see!!" So the first Cajun hands him the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
THIRD DEGREE
Boudreaux suspects his wife of cheating on him, so he goes out and buys a gun. He goes to his house unexpectedly and when he opens the door he finds her in the arms of a redhead. Well, Boudreaux is really angry. He pulls out the gun, and as he does so, he is overcome with grief. He takes the gun and puts it to his head. His wife yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" Boudreaux replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE
Boudreaux was bragging about his knowledge of state capitals. He proudly says, "Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?" Boudreaux replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the Cajun girl ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE
Boudreaux, a Cajun in his fourth year as a LSU Freshman, sat in his US Government class. The professor asked Boudreaux if he knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Boudreaux pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware "
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, Boudreaux was shocked to find his house ransacked and burglarized. He telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, Boudreaux ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting his face in his hands, Boudreaux moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
Bob in Fla
Trivia
On a bingo card of 90 numbers, there are approximately 44 million ways to make B-I-N-G-O.
The strongest any liquor can be is 190 proof. This means the beverage is a little more than 97 percent alcohol.
First cultivated near London in 1750, peppermint has been shown to be an effective remedy for indigestion. A cup of warm peppermint tea may also thin mucus, loosen phlegm, and soothe sore throats. Apply it topically to take the itch out of bug bites or to ease muscle cramps, arthritis, and headaches.
More money is spent on gardening than any other hobby in the United States.
In 1978, a poll showed that one French television program broadcast on August 14 was watched by no viewers at all. The show was an in-depth interview with an Armenian woman on her fortieth birthday. It covered how she met her husband, her illnesses, and her joy of living. According to the TV survey, 67 percent of viewers had watched a Napoleonic costume drama and 33 percent had tuned in to another show. The no-viewer program was telecast at peak-viewing time.
In the famous Parker Brothers game Monopoly, the space on which a player has the greatest statistical chance of landing is Illinois Avenue.
The largest butterfly in the world is the Giant Birdwing from the Solomon Islands. The female can have a wing span of over 12 inches.
The color in a butterfly's wings does not come from pigment. The color is produced prism-like by light reflected by their transparent wing scales.
The only desert in Canada is located in Osoyoos B.C.
Hitler had a square mustache because his favorite comedian, Charlie Chaplin, had a square mustache.
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