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Maury is sent from South Africa to Darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with the tribe, teaching them reading, writing, math, and science. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child.
The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief pulls Maury aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen, and this woman gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence...what we in the educated world call an albino!
Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about the sheep, and I won't say anything more about the baby."
Coed
A college coed finished her degree at a college in a small farming town in Oregon. Her fiancée had another semester to go to finish his degree and then they planned to marry in the spring. So fiancée finished school, but the only job she could find in the town was on a farm doing manual labor.
Her duties consisted of grooming the fields and ridding the crops of adjacent weeds, in other words using a hoe.
Then came the end of the semester, and her fiancée graduated, so they decided to get on with the nuptials. They went to the courthouse and requested a marriage license.
The county clerk asked the usual questions like name, place of birth, occupation. The groom to be answered everything and, of course, gave his occupation as student as that was his most recent occupation. The bride to be answered everything until the clerk asked her occupation.
She thought about it a moment and then answered: "I'm a hoer."
The clerk looked at her to be husband and then her with a dumbfounded look on his face and then she spoke up:
"Well, it's honest work."
Walpole had lived in his loft for six months, and by now it was filled with the paintings he had created. He worked day and night, stopping only occasionally for something to eat. He thought little about food and less about sleep. But what he thought about least of all was his rent.
As a result, his landlord now stood before him, demanding the three months' rent Walpole owed on the loft.
"Give me a couple of weeks," Walpole pleaded. "I know I'm on the verge of making some sales."
"Absolutely not," the landlord said. "You gave me that story last month. You won't get another day's credit from me."
"Look," Walpole said, "think of it as an investment. Someday this loft will be famous, and you'll be able to charge a fortune for it. In a few years, people will come into this disgusting loft and whisper, 'Walpole used to paint here.'"
"Pay your rent now," the landlord said, "or they'll be able to say it tomorrow morning."
Mohammad entered his school classroom. "What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," answered the boy.
"Here in France, there is no Mohammad. From now on your name will be Jean-Francois," replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammad returned home. "The day went well Mohammad?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammad. I am in France now and my name is Jean-Francois.
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to disown your parents? Your heritage? Shame on you!" And she beat him.
Then she called the father and he beat him very hard.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened my little Jean-Francois?"
"Well, Madame, two hours after becoming French I was attacked by two Arab terrorists."
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The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Ralph. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph.
The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Ralph takes off like a shot. WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in there. Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh! They're getting closer."
Rich man
A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse.
The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good," and walked away.
The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse.
The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good."
On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take no for an answer.
The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home.
The rich man's daughter loved her present. She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree.
The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.
The poor man replied, "I told you it don't look so good."
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager. As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, 'Gee, she's fat!'
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet. A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; 'I'll bet her butt is this wide!' The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.
Just then, her pager began to emit a: beep, beep, beep. The little boy yells out, 'Run for your life, she's backing up!!
Best Part
Dave rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, a very attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
Dave smiles at the young woman and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Dave breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says,
"Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."
He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off.
Now completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered and embarrassed Dave stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, its got to be your ears!"
Astounded, she replies, "My ears? Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and don't sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"
Clearing his throat once again, Dave stammers,
"Outside when you said you heard someone coming? . . . That was me."
Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose.
When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals - you'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off."
"That's baloney", says one of the hunters.
"Yeah," the other agrees, "you're just chicken...we came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts. He wasn't afraid to take off!"
"Yeah", said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!"
The pilot got angry, and said, "Hell! If he did it, then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody!"
They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops of the trees, flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.
Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, "Where are we?"
One of the hunters rolled out from under a bush, looked around, and said
"I'd say...About a hundred yards further than last year."
Trivia
The oldest operating roller coaster is the "Zippin Pippin" in Memphis, Tennessee. It opened 1915. The first wheeled roller coaster was invented in 1784 in St. Petersburg, Russia. There were problems however, the wheels often fell off and the cars did not always stop at the end of the track.
Most animals don’t eat moss. It’s hard to digest, and it has little nutritional value. But reindeer fill up with lots of moss, because the moss contains a special chemical that helps reindeer keep their body fluids warm. When the reindeer make their yearly journey across the icy Arctic region, the chemical keeps them from freezing - much as antifreeze keeps a car from freezing up in winter.
The Ibo tribe of Nigeria had three punishments for adulterous couples, each increasingly ghastly. The least harsh involved tying the couple up, putting a stake through the man into the woman, and carrying them off to a pool filled with loathsome reptiles.
Queen Anne had a transvestite cousin, Lord Cornbury, whom she assigned to be governor of New York and New Jersey. The colonists were not amused.
In 1964, a jury awarded $50,000 to a woman who claimed a cable car accident in San Francisco had made her into a nymphomaniac.
One expert says that in New Guinea, women are only attracted to men who have an ampalang.
The young males of Sambia in New Guinea must perform a ritualized homosexual act with tribe elders until they reach adulthood. When they get older, they have sex with women, during which they hold their noses with clothespin like devices.
Women were discouraged from having orgasms during the Middle Ages because it was thought that orgasms made women less capable of getting pregnant
Francis I of France once said, "Anyone who doesn't have a mistress is a nincompoop."
Catherine of Medici, the Italian wife of Henry II of France, organized prostitution as an important arm of diplomacy, and employed her maids of honor to achieve her ends.
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