Wednesday, Jul 21, 2010
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Sam, a business man was driving home after a long sales trip and saw a hitchhiker with a cow. Sam finally stopped and the hitchhiker approached the window and said,"Will you give me a ride to Denver sir?"
Sam was amazed and said, "I do not mind, but you will have to leave your cow here."
"No sir," the hitchhiker said. "I will just tie her to the back of the car, and I promise you sir, she will not slow you down. I promise."
The businessman was reluctant,but he was dying for company, so he agreed. The hitchhiker was elated and tied the cow to the back bumper.They started out and Sam took the car up to 10 miles per hour, he looked in the mirror and the cow seemed to be trotting along. 20 mph, 30 mph, 40 mph, did not phase the cow. The hitchhiker looked over to Sam and assured him that that everything was fine; not to worry.
Sam took the car up to 55 mph and still the cow was looking very comfortable. Now Sam was getting a little frustrated by this cow who could keep up with his car. Sam watched the speedometer go 65, 75 and finally 90 mph.Sam looked back and FINALLY the cow seemed tired, "I got you, you son of......"
"What is the matter?" the hitchhiker asked.
"Your cow seems tired, her tongue is sticking out," the business man said.
"Is it sticking out on the left, or the right?" the hitchhiker asked.
"The left side," Sam said with a smile.
"Well," the hitchhiker said, "You better pull over, she is trying to pass you.
How To Ask A Man To Do Something Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something:
1. Make sure the man is conscious.
1a. Then give him a Blow Job
2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.
3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three, or four hours, max.
3b. Then ... give him a Blow Job
4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. A blow job will usually do just fine. Or, offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.
5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes. Or, threaten to not give him a blow job.
6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt".
7. When all else fails ... Blow Job.
OK, seven rules.
WONDERFUL NEW LABOR LAWS
Do you ever feel overworked, over-regulated, under-leisured and underbenefited? Take heart, this notice was found in the ruins of a London office building. It was dated 1852:
1. This firm has reduced the hours of work, and the clerical staff will now only have to be present between the hours of 6 a.m. and 7 p.m. weekdays.
2. Clothing must be of sober nature. The clerical staff will not disport themselves in raiment of bright colors, nor will they wear hose unless in good repair.
3. Overshoes and topcoats may not be worn in the office, but neck scarves and headwear may be worn in inclement weather.
4. A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical staff. Coal and wood must be kept in the locker. It is recommended that each member of the clerical staff bring four pounds of coal each day during the cold weather.
5. No member of the clerical staff may leave the room without permission from the supervisor.
6. No talking is allowed during business hours.
7. The craving for tobacco, wine, or spirits is a human weakness, and as such is forbidden to all members of the clerical staff.
8. Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced, the partaking of food is allowed between 11:30 and noon, but work will not on a account cease!!!.
9. Members of the clerical staff will provide their own pens. A new sharpener is available on application to the supervisor.
10. The supervisor will nominate a senior clerk to be responsible for the cleanliness of the main office and the supervisor's private office. All boy and juniors will report to him 40 minutes before prayers and will remain aft closing hours for similar work. Brushes, brooms, scrubbers, and soap are provided by the owners.
11. The owners recognize the generosity of the new labor laws, but will expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near Utopian conditions.
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"My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she said.
"What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man, "she told me that I was too kinky for her, too!"
The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have kinky sex.
When they get to the woman's house she turns to the man and says, "Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable." She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather dominatrix outfit.
However, as she is coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door.
"What happened?" She said, "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?"
He looks at her and says, "Well, I just screwed your dog and shit in your purse. I'm done."
A well dressed businessman got into a Manhattan cab and asked to be taken to LaGuardia airport. While stuck in the traffic jam, the businessman leaned forward and said, "How's your spirit of adventure?"
"What do you mean?" the cabbie asked.
The man said, "Well, I have to be in Chicago for a meeting, but the thought of flying there just bores me to tears. Why not drive me there?
The meeting will last only an hour. I'll pay the gas, tolls, your hotel room, meals, and then you can drive me back tomorrow." The driver said, "Sure, why not?" and off they went.
They motored through Jersey, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, and finally into Chicago. The businessman did his meeting (while the cabbie waited) came out, got back into the cab and they took off to the hotel. They shared a huge meal, the businessman paid for two rooms. The next morning, they took off back towards Manhattan. When they arrived, the meter read $4,632.85.
When they got back to the businessman's office in Manhattan, the man told the cabbie, "Let me go in the bank here and I'll get you a certified check. I'll make it for $5000 so you'll get a sizable tip for your service."
"Great," the cab driver said, "thanks."
"One last thing. When I give you the check, I'd like you to drive me home, please. I'm dead tired." the man said. The cabbie asked, "Where do you live?"
"Brooklyn." He said.
The Cabbie exclaimed, "No way mister!!! I'd have to drive back over the Tri-Boro bridge without a passenger!"
A bloke is marooned on a desert island. But he survives as there are plenty of coconuts and fresh water. Months pass and he sees a ripple about a hundred yards off shore. It keeps getting closer and closer until, at last, a tall blonde in full diving gear appears.
“You poor man”, she says. “How long have you been here?”
He replies that he’s lost all track of time and doesn’t know. What he knows is that he’s dying for a fag.
“No trubs”,(no troubles) she says, unzipping a pocket on the arm of her wetsuit and pulling out a packet of Winnies and a lighter.
Puffing happily, the bloke says he’s in seventh heaven and she asks him if he’d like a beer.
“Would I!” So she unzips the other pocket and pulls out a can of VB.
With a fag in one hand and a beer in the other, the bloke reckons he’s got it made. Then the blonde starts to unzip the front of her wetsuit.
“Having been here all this time,” she says, “I guess you’d like to play around.”
And the bloke says, “How on earth did you fit a set of golf clubs down there?”
Winnies = Winfield brand of cigarettes VB = Victoria Bitter, a popular brand/type of beer
A man is talking to his best friend about married life. "You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt." His friend says, "Yeah, I know what you mean."
A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business.
Before he goes, he gets together with his friend. "While I'm away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that doubt." The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town.
Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend. "So did anything happen?"
"I have some bad news for you," says the friend. "The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away.
Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light." "Then what happened?" says the man. "I don't know. It was too dark to see." "Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt."
Trivia
The scientific name for the American wild turkey is "Meleagris gallopovo."
A female turkey is called a "Hen."
A baby turkey is called a "poult."
The bright red appendage on the neck of a turkey is called a "Wattle."
At maturity, turkeys have more than 3,500 feathers.
A large group of turkeys is called a "flock."
A "snood" is the name for the appendage that hangs over the turkey's beak.
The color in a butterfly's wings does not come from pigment. The color is produced prism-like by light reflected by their transparent wing scales.
Marilyn Monroe appeared as the first Playboy centerfold in 1953.
A cup of prune juice has three milligrams of iron (That's 37% of the RDA for men 17% for premenopausal women.).
It has been noted that the temperature of the sand determines the gender of a sea turtle during egg incubation. Warm temperatures (greater than 29° C) produce more females; cooler temperatures (less than 29° C) produce more males.
Trap regulations in California for lobster fisherman require an escape port for undersized lobsters.
Simone de Beauvoir had her first orgasm thanks to Nelson Algren.
As late as 1940, a candidate for the U.S. Naval Academy was rejected if it was discovered that he masturbated.
According to a couple of recent biographies, Lord Baden-Powell, founder of the Boy Scouts, was a repressed homosexual who was obsessed with looking at photos of naked young boys.
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