Thursday, Jul 22, 2010
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So we were lying on our backs on the grass in the park next to our hamburger wrappers, my 14-year-old son and I, watching the clouds loiter overhead, when he asked me, "Dad, why are we here?" And this is what I said, "I've thought a lot about it, son, and I don't think it's all that complicated. I think maybe we're here just to teach a kid how to bunt or eat sunflower seeds without using his hands.
"We're here to pound the steering wheel and scream as we listen to the game on the radio, 20 minutes after we pulled into the garage. We're here to look all over, give up, and then find the ball in the hole.
"We're here to wear our favorite sweat-soaked Boston Red Sox cap, torn Slippery Rock sweatshirt, and the Converse sneakers we lettered in on a Saturday morning with nowhere we have to go and no one special we have to be.
"We're here to tie the perfect fly, make the perfect cast, catch absolutely nothing, and still call it a perfect morning.
"We're here to nail a yield sign with an apple core from half a block away. We're here to win the stuffed bear or go broke trying.
"I don't think the meaning of life is gnashing our bicuspids over what comes after death but tasting all the tiny moments that come before it. We're here to be there when our kid has three goals and an assist. And especially when he doesn't.
"I don't think we're here to make Sports Center. The really good stuff never does. Like finding ourselves with a free afternoon, a little red 327 fuel-injected 1962 Corvette convertible, and an unopened map of Vermont's back roads.
"None of us will find ourselves on our deathbeds saying, `I wish I'd spent more time on the Hibbings account.' We're going to say, `That scar? I got that scar stealing a home run from Consolidated Plumbers!'
"See, grown-ups spend so much time doggedly slaving toward the better car, the perfect house, the big day that will finally make them happy, when happy just walked by wearing a bicycle helmet two sizes too big for him. We're not here to find a way to heaven. The way is heaven.
"Does that answer your question, son?"
And he said, "Not really, Dad."
And I said, "No?"
And he said, "No, what I meant is, why are we here when Mom said to pick her up 40 minutes ago?"
A man and his wife, moved from Conroe , Texas to Mendenhall, MS .
The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Texas , it cost them $2000. Per year!
When they arrived in Mendenhall, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.' The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Mendenhall to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Texas.
The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39... You just have to know how to describe it!'
Teacher
A teacher asks her class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."
The second little girl says, "Predator." Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
Then little Johnny puts up his hand and says, "Vibrator." After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, "That is a big word too, but I don't think we can count it because it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my mum has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
A Texan went to the big city up North for the first time. After strolling around the downtown area for a while, he happened to look up and see a man at the top of a tall building. The man looked like he was ready to jump off.
Concerned about the man's fate, the Texan immediately started thinking of things he could tell the man so that he would want to live and would not jump.
"Remember your wife," yelled the Texan.
"She divorced me," said the man.
"Remember your children," yelled the Texan.
"They ran away," said the man.
"Remember your parents," yelled the Texan.
"They are dead," said the man.
"Remember the Alamo," yelled the Texan.
"What is the Alamo?" inquired the man.
"Jump, you Yankee Sumbitch!" replied the Texan.
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That afternoon my employer came into the parlor, her faithful canine behind her. Looking around, she eyed the bookcase.
"Tippy," she asked the dog, "how do your bones keep getting up there?"
Little Johnny went to his first school dance. He didn't know if he would ever get up the nerve to ask a girl out to dance.
As the night went on everybody was dancing except Little Johnny. He just sat in the corner looking at everyone having fun.
Finally as the last song started to play Little Johnny spotted two very cute girls across the room sitting at their table. He walked over and asked one if she would like to dance. She looked him up and
down and said "I am sorry but I am very particular with whom I dance with."
Little Johnny being the smart boy that he is, replied, "You can dam will see that I am not."
Strip club
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser".
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
Alas, it is an original joke I was out walking when I ran into an old friend Doug. I was surprised how he looked. He had lost about forty pounds and was in pretty good shape.
I has to ask him how he did this: 'Doug how did you get in such great shape?
Doug: First thing in the morning when I get up, I pump Iron. When I get home from work, I pump Iron, before I go to bed I pump Iron. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I pump Iron.
I responded: That is amazing Doug, you have done great.
We walked to the parking lot our cars were parked next to each other. I noticed in his car was a drop dead blonde with legs that would not quit. She was stunning and about twenty years Doug's junior.
I asked: Doug who is your lady friend?
Doug: Oh, it is nothing, I have to leave.
The lady got out of the car and spoke: Oh Doug, are you not going to introduce me to your friend. Hello, my name is Janice Iron.
BJ in Guthrie
Standing in line at the grocery-store checkout, my dad was pleased to hear bits of classical music. Unfortunately, the music would begin to play, only to quickly stop. The store's sound system did not seem to be working properly.
Turning to the woman standing behind him in line. Dad commented on how lovely the music was and how he hoped the store would get their system fixed. As the music started up again. Dad smiled at the lady and said, "There it is again! Isn't it lovely?"
"Sir, it is indeed lovely, but it's not from the store," the woman replied with a smile. "Your cell phone is ringing." Boobs. Is there anything they can't do? In this case an American woman was rescued from disaster on a mountain in Germany after she used her size DD bra to get the attention of nearby loggers.
The 24-year-old Colorado woman had been missing for three days before a helicopter crew spotted her colorful sports bra. The woman said she attached the bra to a cable used for moving logs down the mountain.
The woman received injuries to her skull, ankle and shoulder when she lost her footing while hiking in the Bavarian Alps close to Berchtesgaden, Germany.
"Hanging the bra out saved her life because a logger saw it, heard about the search for a missing woman, and called mountain rescue," the local Police Chief said.
Officials said the woman is expected to make a full recovery.
Imagine...it could have been much worse if she had been an A or a B cup.
Myron
Trivia
What is root beer, and who created it? Root beer was popularized in Philadelphia by a druggist named Charles Hires, who adapted an herbal tea recipe to make it. The drink was promoted heavily at the U.S. Centennial Exposition in 1876.
On what hill was the Battle of Bunker Hill fought? You could answer this one in your sleep, right? Wrong, historical head! A little background: Anger and hatred between British and American colonists exploded into brutal fury at the top of Breed's Hill (near Boston) on this day in 1775. The British charged the Americans three times before finally overrunning and chasing them to -- you guessed it -- Bunker Hill (and it was all over but the whimpering by the time they got to Bunker Hill). The redcoats did win this battle, but it fired up the colonists and they continued to fight, eventually driving the British back to Britain. Class dismissed.
A favorite hangout for prostitutes in 17th century London was St. John's Park. Even though the gates were locked at 10 p.m., 6,500 people had authorized keys (many unauthorized keys were also in circulation. At the time, London had about 50,000 prostitutes.
Some Romanian villagers sing a song that accompanies a traditional goat dance. The lyrics to the song are so sexually suggestive that Cable News Network refuses to translate them.
According to Blitz Magazine in Bombay, India, 28 year old Nagaba Jugalgiri pulled a car with his penis in front of Mahalakshmi Temple in protest of India's 1989 oil crisis.
In 1746, a special hospital for the treatment of venereal diseases known as a "lock hospital" was opened on Harrow Road in London. In medieval times, lock hospitals only housed lepers.
According The Solitary Vice, a book for doctors that came out in the 1890s, women who masturbate tend to eat a lot of foods containing mustard and vinegar.
Cleopatra had stones inserted in her vagina to prevent her from getting pregnant.
One punishment for an adulterous wife in medieval France was to make her chase a chicken through town naked.
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