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A man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself. After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, his sanity began to slip away.
One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet seaweed on top until smoke is billowing high in the air. The ship starts to come his way!
He gets all excited and thinks, "Finally! I'm going to be saved! The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower. Then they're going to give me some clothes and I'm going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She'll start to take off her clothes and she'll be wearing red silk panties!"
At this, he gets an erection. He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells, "Ha Ha Ha!! I fooled you! I lied about the ship!"
An old sea captain, and a little guy who played the fiddle, were arguing about women.
The old sea captain tells the little fiddle player that women can't be trusted, and they will not be faithful under any circumstances.
The little fiddle player said well he bet his wife would not do anything like that.
So, the old sea captain said he would bet his ship and cargo against the fiddler player's violin that she would be unfaithful.
The fiddle player took the bet, and invited the sea captain over to his house, and sent the two of them into the bedroom while he waited outside the door.
A half hour went by and he heard nothing from his wife, so he started singing to the tune of Auld Lang Sine:
Be true, my love, be true my love, It's only for an hour. Don't screw, my love, don't screw, my love, And the ship and cargo's ours.
She sang back to him:
Too late, my love, too late, my love, He's got me round the middle, He's screwed me once, he'll do it twice, And you've lost your damned old fiddle!!!
He was so dumb he broke into a church and stole ten thousand dollars.... in pledges.
He was so dumb he couldn't count his dick twice and get the same number.
If dumbass were a commodity, he would have the market cornered.
He was so dumb, his family tree was a shrub.
He was so dumb he thought a foul ball is what the players scratch when they're sitting in the dugout.
He was so dumb that he scotch-taped chickens to his body before going outside, because he'd heard that you stay warmer if you're dressed in layers.
I don't want to say that he's a "dim bulb," but you know how Thomas Edison had to make hundreds of failed bulbs before he made one that worked? He is NOT the one that worked.
During an international gynecology conference, an English doctor and a French doctor were discussing unusual cases they had treated recently.
"Only last week" the Frenchman said "a woman came to see me with a clitoris like a melon!"
"Don't be absurd" the Brit exclaimed. "It couldn't have been that big. My God, man, she wouldn't have been able to walk if it were."
"Aah, you English, always thinking about size," replied the Frenchman. "I was talking about the flavor!"
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?' ''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
Gordon
Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."
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The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, 'honey you were right all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you'.
'What do you mean?' asked his wife.
'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out and today it finally happened but by the grace of God, with some Vaseline and two fingers I think I got most of them back in.'
Harveythefrogprince
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 en-emas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall, "Oh my gosh!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
I took a job at a bookstore once. The store prided itself on customer service, and one thing we were taught there was not to tell customers, "Have a nice day," after we rang them out, purportedly because it sounded shallow and insincere.
Instead, we were supposed to say, "Enjoy your books."
So one day a woman comes up to my register with a copy of Yellow Silk ("Journal of Erotic Arts"), Nancy Friday's "My Secret Garden: Women's Sexual Fantasies," and Betty Dodson's "Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving."
I said, "Have a nice day."
There's a man trying to cross the street.
As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.
So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road.
The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.
The driver rolls down the window. It's a squirrel. It says, "See, it's not as fucking easy as it looks, is it?"
A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants.
She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"
The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"!
The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"!
This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?" The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four Texans laying sod across the street."
At her father's wake, a woman told her priest that ever since she was a child she and her father had discussed life after death. They had agreed that whomever went first would contact the other. They had discussed this again just two weeks before his death. He died in her home.
A few days after his death the smoke alarm in her garage went off. She had lived there 28 years and it had never gone off before. She couldn't turn it off, so she called the security company that installed it.
The next morning the smoke alarm sounded again...and the reason finally dawned on her. She said aloud, "Ok Dad, I missed the signal yesterday, but I get it now! Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side. Now turn the thing off so I don't have to call the security company again."
And it went off. She immediately called her priest to tell him the good news. The priest hesitated and then said, "Dear lady, if every time your father sends you a message, he sets off the smoke alarm, just where do you think he's calling from?"
Trivia
More than 70 percent of all bagel shops in the United States are found in New York, New Jersey, Florida, and California.
Table tennis was originally played with balls made from champagne corks and paddles made from cigar-box lids. It was created in the 1880s by James Gibb, a British engineer who wanted an invigorating game he could play indoors when it was raining. Named "Gossima," the game was first marketed with celluloid balls, which replaced Gibb's corks. After the equipment manufacturer renamed the game "Ping-Pong" in 1901, it became a hot seller.
A normal person has two true vocal chords. We also have two false vocal chords which have no direct role in producing sound.
How did the Mai Tai come about?
This tropical favorite was first blended in California by saloon owner Victor "Trader Vic" Bergeron in 1944. The South Seas traveler eventually introduced his mai tai – Tahitian for "the very best" – to the Hawaiian Islands.
Classic recipe: rum, orange curacao liqueur, lime juice, and orgeat syrup.
Oceans cover 70.8 per cent of the Earth's surface, to an average depth of 3.5 km (2 miles). The hydrosphere (watery zone) also includes freshwater rivers and lakes, but these make up less than 1 per cent of Earth's water.
Dry land occupies 29.2 per cent of the Earth's surface, where the lithosphere (rocky crust) rises above sea level to form seven continents and countless smaller islands. Land can be categorized into biomes – major habitats such as forests, grasslands, and deserts.
Kellogg's Corn Flakes were invented by a Dr. Kellogg in hopes that they would reduce masturbation.
In 1746, a special hospital for the treatment of venereal diseases known as a "lock hospital" was opened on Harrow Road in London. In medieval times, lock hospitals only housed lepers.
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