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Rules For Choosing A Superhero Name
-Don't call yourself by your real name: e.g., The Incredible Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster.
-Don't call yourself by someone else's real name: e.g., Super Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin.
-Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess: e.g., Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman.
-Don't be too modest: e.g., Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-so, Fairly Incredibleman, Captain Invincible on a good day.
-But don't labor the point: e.g., Mr. So-Powerful-Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.
-Don't choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image: e.g., Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Purple Slippers, Captain Sweetiepie.
-Don't choose the name of an existing Superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of super villains.
-It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenial hole-in-the-heart condition. It's just asking for trouble.
-Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're not.
-Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're a girl.
-Don't give away important information in your name, e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captain Vulnerable To Strontium 90.
-Don't call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume. You'll confuse people.
The new English teacher had just taken over her first class, a group of scruffy, leering boys. "Give me a word beginning with 'A'," she said.
"Arseholes!" said little Johnny proudly.
Ignoring his remark, she continued. Now give me a word beginning with 'B' "Bastard," came the answer from Freddy. She immediately gave C a miss and moved on to D.
"Dwarf," said little Cameron. With a sigh of relief she asked him what a dwarf was.
"A little cunt about und 60 centimetres tall." said little Cameron.
Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamppost below.
Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the hundred dollar bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting.
Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. "What's this?" she asked.
"That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," the shabby man happily replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."
One day, a rabbit managed to break free from his cage in the laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
"Wow, this is great!" he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.
"What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."
This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well."
The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do? " he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.
"There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it."
Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."
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The second answers, "Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy the finest wines, champagne but what? Ulcers, I have to drink milk."
The third sighs loudly and adds, "Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged my wife and asked her if she's interested. She screams at me, "What is wrong with you Sam? We just got finished doing it for the second time tonight!"
After a long pause the first man says, "So what is your problem?"
The third one grunts and says, "Can't you see? My memory is going."
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers!
The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her tate of undress.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."
The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's ten pounds. Go to Marks and Spencer and get some knickers."
Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments."
With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's five pounds. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."
Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others: Simply a lack of allowance.
The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb. The least you can do is tidy yourself up a bit."
Sadie was divorcing her husband Moshe. After two months of waiting, her case was finally being heard in Court.
The judge asked Sadie, "So how old are you?"
"I'm 45 years old, your Honor."
The judge replied, "Please answer my question honestly. How old are you?"
"I'm 45 years old, your Honor," answered Sadie again.
"Well," said the judge, "you're not being truthful. It's written down here that you were born in August 1940 and that means you're almost 65."
"But your Honor," replied Sadie, "I'm not counting the last 20 years with my husband."
"Why not?" asked the judge.
"You call that living?" replied Sadie.
Hot Tub Etiquette for Men
1. It's alright to have an erection in a hot tub, but don't float to the surface yelling "Up Periscope"!
2. It's okay to pass a joint while hot tubbing....it is NOT okay to pass gas.
3. Feel encouraged to whisper words of admiration to the well- endowed blonde soaking next to you, but don't point and exclaim in a loud voice "Hey baby, nice set of Bazookas!"
4. Drink wine or other alcoholic beverages in moderation while hot tubing. DON'T get drunk and suddenly submerge after screaming "Beaver Attack!"
5. A little underwater groping is OK... Groping yourself is not!
Hot Tub Etiquette for Women
1. It's not lady-like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, then scream at the top of your lungs "Oh yes Baby!"
2. Washing your partner's back is sexy... washing your panty hose is NOT!
3. Group nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience, but don't spoil things by making snide remarks like, "I've seen bigger wangs on a hamster!"
4. It's okay to pass a joint while hot tubbing.... it's NOT okay to pass gas.
One Liners
Confucius say,"Treat your woman like your vacuum cleaner,if she stops sucking, replace the bag."
At a museum in London, England a brass plate with Braille writing for the blind reads: PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH THIS EXHIBIT
With fuel prices skyrocketing, they should now call them gasp pumps!
I had a staff sergeant who'd pick fights with his recruits just so he could lick his privates.
What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate! ~Terry Moore
Don't get your knickers in a twist....it doesn't solve anything and you end up walking funny!!!
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
My next house will have no kitchen---just vending machines and a large trash can.
There is evidence that the brain is like a computer. If that's true, then there really aren't any stupid people, just people running DOS.
"Some guys call theirs Dick or Peter, John Thomas or Willie. What do you call yours?" "I don't have to call mine anything, It usually comes without being called."
What do you call a magazine that features pictures of orgasms? Spurts Illustrated
The photographer brought his attractive assistant into the dark room tosee what would develop.
What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common? They both get loaded from the rear and go Woo-Whoo!
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