Sunday, Jul 25, 2010
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A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.
One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.
That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed,
"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!
A new tourism guide was issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners, Northeasterners, North westerners, Westerners and Southwestern Urbanites travelling south of the Mason Dixon line......
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g ., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.
8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
Mohammad
Mohammad entered his school classroom. "What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," answered the boy.
Here in France, there is no Mohammad. "From now on your name will be Jean-Francois," replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammad returned home. "The day went well Mohammad?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammad. I am in France now and my name is Jean-Francois."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to disown your parents? Your heritage? Shame on you!" ...And she beat him. Then she called the father and he beat him very hard.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked "What happened my little Jean- Francois?"
"Well, Madame, two hours after becoming French I was attacked by two Arab terrorists."
A man was quite drunk on his favorite beer when he wandered out of the bar.
As he walked, he came to the wharf near the city. He saw a pier, and it occurred to him that the pier was made of a series of boards nailed side by side from the shore to the end.
He decides to count the boards, and stepped onto the pier. Much to his dismay, he discovered that in his toxic state the boards moved around too much for him to count. He also noticed that the slits between the boards were steadier, so he decided to count them instead.
He started at the shore and walked, head down, toward the end. So intent was he on his counting, that he didn't notice the end of the pier and he walked right off!
Luckily, a Coast Guard cutter was going by just then and they hurried over and helped our friend out of the water.
Later, one of the sailors reported to the Captain that he had heard the drunk saying the strangest thing as they hauled him from the water. .
"When you're out of slits, you're out of pier."
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Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt when we get back home." "I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny. At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother,who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said,"Thank you very much, Little Johnny."
He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet.
Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?" The mother, a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes...
his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause he'd be fu***ed up if he needed to wear glasses!"
Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather go out to play a round of golf. Just before the son is ready to tee off, this fine looking woman walks up carrying her clubs. She says her partner didn't show and asks if she can join them. The guys say sure, since she is quite a beautiful woman. The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the three of you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit, fart or whatever. Just don't try to coach me on my game".
The guys say okay and ask if she would like to tee off first. All eyes are on her ass as her skirt rides up when she bends over to place the ball. She then proceeds to knock the hell out of the ball right up the middle.
She just starts pounding these guys, paring every hole. They get to the 18th and she has a 12-foot putt for par. She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game. I've never shot par before, and I'm going to ask your opinions on this putt. Now if any of your opinions help me make the putt, I will give that guy a blow job he will never forget. "
The guys think, 'what a deal!' The kid walks over, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and go in the cup."
The father walks up and says, "Don't listen to the youngster, aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole and fall into the cup."
The grandpa looks at both of them in disgust, walks over picking up the ball, drops it into the cup, unzips his fly and says "That's a Gimme."
I took a drive to Walmart the other night to pick up some stuff for our trip this weekend. Since I was already going my sister asked if I could pick up a bottle of bug spray for her while I was there.
After going through and getting everything on my shopping list I was walking around looking for the bug spray.
When an employee saw me wandering around aimlessly he came up to me and asked if I needed any help.
"I'm looking to get OFF. I have money."
Needless to say I'm not allowed in that store anymore.
A gorgeously slim, size 8 blonde (droooooool) from New York went to Australia for her vacation and booked into a VERY expensive hotel.
She changed into her skimpy thong bikini, put on a fashionable beach shirt, beach hat, sunglasses, new sandals ...
You get the idea. She grabbed a large towel; her new beach bag and headed for the golden Australian sand and sun.
To her surprise the beach was very crowded. The only spot big enough to accommodate her large towel was right next to a filthy, salt encrusted bench with a seriously dirty old bum collapsed on it.
She was VERY nervous about stretching out in her bikini next to this old bum ... but it was the only available place. Anyway, she was on holiday, this was Australia and she figured she'd be safe enough!
She spread her beach towel; removed her shirt and hat; and opened her beach bag to get her sun-tan lotion. She liberally applied sun-tan lotion all over her VERY sexy, pale white body.
The bum watched intently.
She laid back on her towel to read a little. Then realized she'd forgotten to remove her new sandals. She sat up and slipped off her sandals.
As she stretched back down, the bum leaned over and asked, "Hey lady, can I smell your pussy?"
Like a released spring and, absolutely outraged, she jumped up and exclaimed, "Of course not! I've never been so insulted!" "Oh!" announced the bum, "Then it must be your feet..."
One Liners
Cocktail lounge, Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. Doctor's office, Rome: Specialist in women and other diseases.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok: Drop your trousers here for the best results.
In a Nairobi restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi: Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
On a poster at Kencom: Are you an adult who cannot read? If so we can help.
In a city restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.
In a cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviors in bed.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
Hotel, Yugoslavia: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
Hotel, Japan: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox monastery: you are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
A sign posted in Germany's black forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for this purpose.
Hotel, Zurich: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
A laundry in Rome: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
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Golden State Fruit features quality fruit and gourmet gift boxes, baskets, towers and customizable fruit clubs for everyday giving, business gifts and holidays. Click the pic or copy/paste http://tinyurl.com/yfo8j63 |
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