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After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The vet told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the vet, "is to go home,get a cherry bomb," (fireworks are legal in Alabama) "light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to ten."
The Alabamian said to the vet, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me, " said the vet.
So the man went home, lit the cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count.
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi,Michigan, Ohio, and West Virginia.
The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights being held in the area around Crowley, and duly dispatched the infamous detective Boudreaux to investigate.
He reported to his sergeant the next morning.
"Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin'" he began.
"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.
Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."
Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"
"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat cock fight.
I knowed the Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."
The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"
Boudreaux intoned knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when summbody bet on de duck."
"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you deduce the Mafia was involved?"
"De duck won."
Ok, I'm the only female in a house full of guys: 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat never down, etc.-you get the picture. Therefore, I'm the only one who would be using Female products, correct?
A strange thing was happening at my house: tampons were disappearing.
*insert Twilight Zone theme*
It started a few months ago, when I went to my cupboard to get out a tampon and there was only one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it.
The next month (that time of month), I go back to the cupboard and viola! there is only one tampon left, again! What is going on here? Gremlins? Total memory failure?
I go to the store, buy another box and try to chalk it up to forgetfulness, but am really wondering, now.
Later in the month, I decide to clean out my two youngest sons' closet and, Low and Behold! at the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators, and the tampon themselves!
Now I am starting to freak... Dear God, what are they doing with them?!!
I get hold of myself, tell myself that "I am an Adult" and can handle this-despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind. Wondering, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for MAJOR THERAPY?"
I go to the stairs and yell to my two youngest sons to "Come Here, RIGHT NOW!!!"
With their usual lack of speed, they finally appear in their room to find me staring into the bottom of their closet.
I firmly, but with control, ask, "What are you doing with THOSE? Those are MINE!"
My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent.
My 10 year old looks at me, all innocent, and says, "Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and THOSE make really good SCUD missiles. What do YOU use them for?"
"NEVER MIND...GO PLAY!!!!"
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The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
Little Johnny was on a bus tour of Castilla that had a stop at this old convent. The tour wasn't that interesting so he managed to slip away and started wandering around by himself.
Feeling the urge to pee, he looked around for some privacy. He hid behind a bush and took a leak on the wall of the chapel.
While he was doing his business, the Mother Superior came around the corner and surprised him.
"OH! I am soooo sorry!" Little Johnny said in embarrassment.
"It's OK," she replied. "Actually, I've never seen a man's... You know. Could I take a closer look?"
A nun asking to see his cock freaked out Little Johnny but it was kinda kinky in a way, so he figured, what the hell.
The nun looked at it for a bit and as he was about to put it away she said, "You know, I always wanted to touch one. Would you mind...?"
"This is really weird, but sure." Little Johnny was getting really excited. Who else could say that a nun had tossed you off?
"Could you take it all out so that I can get a complete experience?" the nun requested.
Little Johnny, sure that he was about to get laid, willingly took down his pants.
The nun began fondling his testicles and suddenly straightened, and said...
"Don't (SQUEEZE) piss (SQUEEZE) on the (SQUEEZE) church (SQUEEZE) walls
(SQUEEZE) again!!!!!!!!!!!"
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.
"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your boobs," he said.
"Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"
At first she declined but finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.
"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her.
This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.
The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.
"Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell *HIM*, you have a headache!"
Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle...especially in public.
From Sydney Morning Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car their in the parking lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs from under the chassis. Altough the man was in shorts his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
I knew the warning signs, I was having a heart attack! There was no phone in our trailer and my husband wasn't due back for hours. Lulu my potbellied pig, nuzzled my head. She could see I was in trouble.
Stress wasn't good for her. I tried to get her away. "Go night-night," and she trotted out of the room. Minutes later I heard a young man's voice at the screen door. "Hello? Anybody home?"
"Help," I called weakly. "I'm having a heart attack."
The young man called 911 and the ambulance came.
Later I learned that Lulu had forced her way out the doggie door and broken through the enclosed porch. Then she waddled to the middle of the road, rolled onto her back, and stuck all four legs straight up in the air.
That brought the next driver to a halt. Lulu led the young man to our door. Maybe pigs can't fly, but some of them are angels just the same.
Trivia
The muskellunge, a fierce fighting fish that can weigh in at around 70 pounds, is the official state fish of Wisconsin.
Although the first nudist colonies were established in British India in 1891, it was in Germany that the naturism movement really began. In the early 1900's several papers were published that advocated the idea that the human body was neither sinful nor obscene. They talked of the concepts of self hate, and shame. The first nudist colonies were opened in Germany around 1903, and grew into popularity during the 1920's. They were suppressed by the Nazi party, but never completely eliminated.
The Germans seemed to be the missionaries of the Naturism movement. In the 1960's German's vacationing along the Mediterranean coast in France began nudist colonies, and nudist beaches and nudist resorts grew in popularity there. The movement had its early beginning in North America in 1929 when a German immigrant named Kurt Barthel opened a colony in the United States. In the early days of the movement in America, nudism became associated with family values and alcohol was prohibited from all activities.
Despite the attempt to associate high moral standards with the nudism movement it was subjected too much harassment and misunderstanding due to the prevailing social climate in the country that saw nudism as a sexual and even pornographic activity. Over the past three decades this has largely changed. Nudist vacations became more common, and nudism lost some of its social stigma. Nudism became less restrictive as well and clothing optional gathering became more common. Topless beaches also became popular, and the organized nudist movement made strides in erasing the negative perception of nudism.
Natalie Aranda writes about travel. The Germans seemed to be the missionaries of the Naturism movement. In the 1960's German's vacationing along the Mediterranean coast in France began nudist colonies, and nudist beaches and nudist resorts grew in popularity there. The movement had its early beginning in North America in 1929 when a German immigrant named Kurt Barthel opened a colony in the United States. In the early days of the movement in America, nudism became associated with family values and alcohol was prohibited from all activities. Nudist vacations became more common, and nudism lost some of its social stigma.
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