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New Seaman
The Chief noticed a new Seaman one day and barked at him to "get your ass over here".
"What's your name sailor?" was the first thing the Chief asked the new guy.
"John", the new guy replied.
The Chief scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal, pansy-ass stuff they're teaching Sailors in boot camp today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.
I refer to my Sailors by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker- that's all. I am to be referred to only as Chief. Do I make myself perfectly clear sailor?"
"Aye, aye, Chief!"
"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling Chief. My name is John Darling, Chief!"
"Okay......John, here's what I want you to do..."
A mother and daughter loved to play around. They partied everyday and always ended up screwing everybody around. Their holes were played until they became seasoned and loose.
One day, the daughter met the man of her dreams and decided to get married. Now, the man did not know about her promiscuous past and thought the daughter was still a virgin. He decided to leave any lovemaking until their wedding night.
The daughter began to worry about the condition of her hole and consulted her mother, "Mum, I'm worried, what will Peter do if he finds out about my hole?!!" Mother said, "Don't worry dear, I'll teach you a way to fool your husband. Here's what you do, place a cored apple in your hole before you go to bed. Everything will be nice and tight and he won't even notice the difference."
So the daughter did what her mother taught her and everything went well and the stupid husband didn't even notice. This went on for a few months. Now, every time the daughter wanted to bathe, she would takeout the apple and place it on the wash basin and after bathing, she would put it back in her hole. One day, after bathing, she forgot to put it back and left it on the wash basin. Her husband came into the washroom, saw the apple and thinking his wife had left a snack for him he ate it.
"Honey, thanks for the apple. It tasted great!" he said. Shocked, the daughter dared not tell her husband about it and went to consult her mother,
"Mum, I'm in deep shit now! I took out the apple while I was bathing and I forgot to put it back. Peter found it and ate it! What should I do? Will he be poisoned? I'm scared, mum." Mother said, "Don't worry dear, a few years ago your father made the same mistake and he was fine after eating my watermelon!"
A woman just gave birth to a baby in a hospital.
As soon as she'd recovered the doctor came to speak to her. "Your baby is in good health, but there's something important I need to tell you."
The woman became worried. "What's the matter with my baby? Tell me please, what's wrong?"
"There's nothing really wrong, but you baby is a little different. He's a hermaphrodite."
"Hermaphrodite? What is that?"
"Well, it means your baby is ... that he has ... all the equipment of a man and also that of a woman."
The woman pales. "Oh my God! You mean he has a penis and a brain?"
A man in Canberra decides the way to make a fortune is to open a ten-pin bowling alley. He builds the ultimate bowling alley with 20 lanes, 2 restaurants and various bars. On the afternoon before the official opening he is standing around admiring his creation when he realises he’s forgotten to order bowling balls. He rings the manufacturer in Sydney and orders 1000 balls. The supplier advises that he has them in stock and all he has to do is drill and polish them and then he can air-freight them to Canberra. The bowling alley proprietor says this will cost too much in freight and asks that they be sent by road in a 22 wheeler semi trailer.
The supplier works into the night and the balls are loaded and despatched. Travelling at great speed and in the middle of nowhere the truck driver sees 2 blokes standing on the side of the road. He stops to offer assistance and the 2 guys, who he sees are Aborigines, say that their bike has broken down on the way to Canberra and they are stranded. He offers them a lift but says they must travel in the back because company policy prevents passengers in the cabin. They climb in with their bike and he speeds off.
Shortly after he’s pulled up by the police. One policeman says to his mate, “You book him while I check his load.” He opens the back but quickly slams and locks the door. And he runs to his mate and says, “Forget booking him. Let’s just get him across the border and out of New South Wales.” Despite his mates’ protests, they head off at great speed to the Canberra border, escorting the truck. At the border they stop and the truck hurtles on.
The policeman then says to his mate, “Will you tell me why I couldn’t book him and we had to escort him here?”
He replies, “When I opened the back I could see it was full of Abo eggs. We had to get them out of the state because 2 has already hatched and one of them had stolen a bike!”
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Upon reaching 75, old Tom finally decided to retire. After having him underfoot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby. Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours. When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied? "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys......... And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club."
"What? Are you nuts? You're 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."
"You dirty old man, you need glasses! This is a membership in a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
"Oh, great! Now what am I going to do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!!"
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Alaskan man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the Bering Sea."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "She did so well, We're going to pull her up again tomorrow and it's being filmed for Deadliest Catch."
The old professor got a job on the railways as a steward one summer, and the first day he accompanied another steward to learn the ropes. "It's very simple," said his tutor, "just use diplomacy."
"What's diplomacy?" asked the old professor, as that was something he'd never needed while teaching.
"Watch me, I'll show you," said the steward-in-charge.
Off they went down the train corridor, rattling compartment doors, opening them with special keys and offering tea or coffee. When the tutor steward flung open one door, he was confronted with a buck-naked woman. Without batting an eyelid he asked, "Tea or coffee, sir?"
The surprised woman took the cup of tea and he shut the door.
"Wow, did you see that cutie?" said the old professor excitedly. "She had no clothes on! But hey, why did you call her 'sir'?" "That's diplomacy! I did not want to embarrass her," said his tutor.
The old professor was most impressed with his teacher. The next day, on his own now, he flung open a door to a compartment and found a couple making love on the bed.
"Tea or coffee, sir?"
"Tea," the man replied.
"And for your brother?"
A man was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point; he really never said too much.
One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of cosmetics knocked on his door and asked to see his wife. The man told her that his wife wasn't home.
"Well," replied the saleswoman, "could I please wait for her?"
The man directed her to the front room and left her there for more than three hours.
The saleswoman was getting really worried, so she called out to the man in the other room and asked, "May I know where your wife is?"
"She went to the cemetery," he replied.
"And when is she returning?"
"I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years now."
"I just don't understand why men don't want women to golf with them." said Jill one day to her friend Mary.
"TELL me about it!" replied Mary. "I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I could never go again. He said I asked too many questions!"
"Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?" said Jill
"Legitimate questions, I thought." said Mary.
"Like what?" asked Jill.
Replied Mary, "Questions like, 'Why did you hit the ball into the trees?', 'Why are you digging up all that sand?', 'How are you going to get your ball out of that tree?', stuff like that."
Woman sent to room
A man checks into a hotel and the desk clerk asks, very quietly, if he would like a woman sent to his room. The man says yes.
The desk clerk says, "I have a stenographer, a switchboard operator or a teacher. Which one should I send up?"
With this the man replies, "I'll take the teacher."
When the man checks out the next morning, the desk clerk says, "I'm curious, why did you pick the teacher instead of the stenographer or the switchboard operator?"
The man replies, "The stenographer would say that she can't take it as fast as I give it. The switchboard operator would cut me off before I'm finished, but the teacher would tell me to do it over and over again until I get it right."
Trivia
In England and the American colonies they year 1752 only had 354 days. In that year, the type of calendar was changed, and 11 days were lost.
In the Holocaust between 5.1 and 6 million of Europe's 10 million Jews were killed. An additional 6 million 'unwanted' people were also executed, including more than half of Poland's educated populace.
Many of Rome's most ambitious emperors idolized Alexander the Great. When Julius Caesar was a 33 year-old general in Spain, he wept when he saw a statue of Alexander, lamenting that he had accomplished nothing, while Alexander had conquered the whole world by his age. The schizophrenic emperor Caligula built a bridge of wooden boats across the Bay of Naples and rode back and forth across it on a horse, wearing armor he stole from Alexander's tomb. Emperor Caracalla set out to conquer the same eastern lands Alexander had conquered, and made a great show of visiting his grave in Alexandria, Egypt.
Martha Washington in the only woman whose portrait has ever appeared on a US currency note. Her portrait was on the face of the $1 silver certificate issues of 1886 and 1891, and on the back of the $1 silver certificate of 1896. Sacagewea and Susan B. Anthony are the only women pictured on a US coin. Both were honored on a dollar coin.
Members of the Nazi SS had their blood type tattooed on their armpits.
In 1810 US population was 7,239,881. Black population at 1,377,808 was 19%. In 1969 US population reached 200 million.
In 1865, several veterans of the Confederate Army formed a private social club in Pulaski, Tennessee, called the Ku Klux Klan.
In 1947, Toys for Tots started making the holidays a little happier for children by organizing its first Christmas toy drive for needy youngsters.
In 1965, Congress authorized the Secret Service to protect former presidents and their spouses for their lifetime, unless they decline the protection. Recently, Congress limited the protection of former presidents and their spouses (elected after January 1, 1997) to 10 years after leaving office. President Clinton, who was elected in 1996, will be the last president to receive lifelong protection from the Secret Service.
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