Thursday, Jul 29, 2010
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| SJ Links |
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Toons & Pics |
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| General Sponsors |
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
According to a 1999 survey by the Scott Paper Company:
* You can gauge a person's education by whether they read in the bathroom.
* More than 2/3 of the people with a master's degree and doctorates read in the stall.
* Only one in two high school grads read while in the bathroom, and 56 percent of those with college degrees do.
* Fifty four percent of Americans fold their toilet tissue neatly while 35 percent wad it into a ball before using it.
* Seven percent steal rolls of toilet paper (hotels/motels)
* More than sixty percent prefer that their toilet paper roll over the top, twenty nine percent from the bottom. The rest don't care.
What does all this mean? It means we Americans don't have anything better to think about than wiping our ass.
The following are actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world: While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 767. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between Cs and Ds, but get it right!" Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LAW was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!" Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and have already notified our caterers...."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206": Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but it was dark and I didn't stop."
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, One o'clock, three miles, eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A PanAm 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich Overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
Captains
Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they're fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it's a wonder any work is getting done, and it's making a mess all over the ship. I don't know what to do!"
The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. "Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams, then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold."
"Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out a bag of gold every trip!"
"Not so," replied the other captain. "After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time."
The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel.
When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. 'This is great,' thought the captain, 'before long, I'll be able to buy a new boat!'
This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out "What's the meaning of this?!"
"You sick bastard," replied the cop. "Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?"
"Sure," said the captain. "What about 'em?!"
"Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!"
 Want to quit smoking? Try Cigana for a little help. Click the pic or copy/paste http://tinyurl.com/yz69v47 |
Is your sex life getting old, stale, or boring? Want to spice it up a little? Take a few minutes and browse items that may help you out, click here for more fun ideas... http://www.sextoyfun.com/SJEntertainment
Click here to Read Random Jokes
 Beltronics Radar has a long history of leading technology in radar and laser detection. Click the pic or copy/paste http://tinyurl.com/yhxgdgd |
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.) You can't be too careful guys.
Three women - one engaged, one a mistress, and one married, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men.
That night all three decide to meet their men at the door, wearing a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and masks over their eyes. After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girl: "The other night, when my boyfriend came home, he found me with the leather bodice, stilettos and mask. When he saw me he said: "You are the woman of my dreams, I love you"...and we made love all night long.
The mistress: "Me too! I met my lover wearing the leather bodice, stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat... He didn't say a thing.....but we had wild sex all night.
The married one: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's, then got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask. My husband comes back from work, opens the door and says: "Hi Batman, what's for dinner?"
At her father's wake, a woman told her priest that ever since she was a child she and her father had discussed life after death. They had agreed that whomever went first would contact the other. They had discussed this again just two weeks before his death. He died in her home.
A few days after his death the smoke alarm in her garage went off. She had lived there 28 years and it had never gone off before. She couldn't turn it off, so she called the security company that installed it.
The next morning the smoke alarm sounded again...and the reason finally dawned on her. She said aloud, "Ok Dad, I missed the signal yesterday, but I get it now! Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side. Now turn the thing off so I don't have to call the security company again."
And it went off. She immediately called her priest to tell him the good news. The priest hesitated and then said, "Dear lady, if every time your father sends you a message, he sets off the smoke alarm, just where do you think he's calling from?"
Cathy the world's most avid baseball fan, a blonde, had arrived early at the stadium for the first game of the series between local rival teams only to realize that she had left her ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, she went to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's wait she was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey, Linda!"
Cathy looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner of the voice -- with no success.
Then she realized she had lost her place in the line, and had to go back to the end of the line and wait all over again.
After she had purchased her ticket, she was thirsty, so she went to buy a beer. The line at the concession stand was also very long. But since the game hadn't started she decided to wait. Just as she got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Linda!"
Again Cathy tried to find the voice and got out of line as she wandered looking for the owner of the voice. But no luck.
Cathy was very upset as she got back in line for her beer.
Finally she had her beer and took her seat eager for the game to begin. As she waited for the first pitch, she heard the voice calling, "Hey, Linda!" once more.
Furious, Cathy stood up and yelled a the top of her lungs, "My name isn't Linda!"
Rabbi & Priest
One day, the rabbi asked the priest if he could sit in on a confession session since he had always been curious about what went on. The priest agreed and that afternoon of them the two of them were sitting in a confession booth.
A woman came in and said, "I have sinned. I have committed adultery three times this past week."
The priest said, "Put twenty dollars in the poor box and your sins will be forgiven."
Just then the priest's secretary came and asked the priest if he could take a long distance phone call.
The priest said to the rabbi, "You carry on. You know how it goes."
The next woman said, "Father I have sinned. I have committed adultery twice this past week."
The rabbi said, "Go and commit adultery once more. We have a special on this week -- three for twenty dollars."
Trivia
Roman coins have been dug up in America, suggesting that perhaps the Vikings or Columbus weren't the first Europeans to visit the New World. The coins were found in locations as far afield as Texas, Venezuela and Maine. One stash was found buried in a mound in Round Rock, Texas. The mound is dated to approximately 800 A.D. In the town of Heavener, Okla., a bronze tetradrachm bearing the profile of Emperor Nero was found in 1976. The coin was originally struck in Antioch, Syria, in 63 A.D.
Seven of the eight US Presidents who have died in office - either through illness or assassination - were elected at precisely 20-year intervals.
The "Spruce Goose" flew on November 2, 1947, for one mile, at a maximum altitude of 70 feet. Built by Howard Hughes, it is the largest aircraft ever built, the 140-ton eight-engine seaplane, made of birch, has a wingspan of 320 feet. It was built as a prototype troop transport. Rejected by the Pentagon, Hughes put the plane into storage, never to be flown again.
The 1st 20 African slaves were brought to the US, to the colony of Virginia in 1619, by a Dutch ship.
The 1st nuclear-powered submarine, the Nautilus, commissioned by the United States Navy in 1954, made her maiden voyage on Jan. 17, 1955.
On June 26th, 1945, the charter of the United Nations was signed by 50 countries in San Francisco. (The text of the charter was in five languages: Chinese, English, French, Russian and Spanish.)
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
President George Washington created the Order of the Purple Heart in 1782. It's a decoration to recognize merit in enlisted men and non-commissioned officers.
President Lincoln proclaimed the first national Thanksgiving Day in 1863.
For a list of all Stolen Jokes sponsors
Click HERE or copy/paste this
http://www.stolen-jokes.com/include/XCB.php
into your browser.
Pretty Party Place is “Your One Stop Party Shop.” We have everything to make any one of your party and events special. We carry over 150 patterns including popular favorites. Click the pic or copy/paste http://tinyurl.com/yj5r5yz |
|
Email jokes to send-your-jokes-here@stolen-jokes.com A special thanks to Toni who is a big contributors.
Disclaimer: This site contains adult
humor, adult cartoons and adult pictures. Also included are trivia columns
and articles about stupid people. We claim no copyrights to the jokes,
pictures/cartoons or news/trivia articles on these pages. If you do
forward jokes or pictures please leave them intact. If you wish to reproduce
material, then permission is granted, a link and credit would be nice
but is in no way required. We may not give credit to those who may wish
to send us jokes or cartoons, because somebody else probably sent them
to you anyway, but if you send something and want credit, I'll do it.
If there is anything that you believe to be copyrighted please contact
us and we will remove it. Displayed cartoons are the property/copyright
of their respective owners. They are used here strictly for entertainment
purposes. No copyright infringement of any kind is intended.Typically I steal jokes from the following great website and ezines: SydesJokes is a daily ezine that has 8 jokes plus other fun stuff, go to the site at http://www.sydesjokes.com and to subscribe send an email to SydesJokes-subscribe@yahoogroups.com William Brabant Buffalo "G" jokes Buffalos-G-Jokes-subscribe@egroups.com?subject=Subscribe or Buffalo "Adult" Jokes Buffalos-adult-jokes-subscribe@egroups.com or go to http://buffalosjokes.com Lorraine at LabLaugh Adult, three really good ezines that I highly recommend, the adult edition can be gotten at lablaughsadult-subscribe@topica.com, Clean LabLaughs lablaughsclean-subscribe@topica.com and her Trivia at lablaughstrivia-subscribe@topica.com or go to http://www.lablaughs.com Sunny's Funzines, a few different ezines that have great jokes and cartoons, Adult cartoons at funzines-adultcartoons-subscribe@yahoogroups.com Adult Jokes, funzines-adultjokes-subscribe@yahoogroups.com and Clean cartoons at funzines-cleancartoons-subscribe@yahoogroups.com go to http://www.funzines.com Suzie's Tickle List, subscribe at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/tickle, or visit www.susanjbaldwin.net Visit my home page at http://www.stolen-jokes.com/main.php for more jokes, videos, cartoons, and trivia. 
We use third-party advertising companies to serve ads when you visit our website. These companies may use information (not including your name, address, email address, or telephone number) about your visits to this and other websites in order to provide advertisements about goods and services of interest to you. If you would like more information about this practice and to know your choices about not having this information used by these companies, click here. To unsubscribe from this ezine: Yahoo Groups member click here to UNSUBSCRIBE or send a blank email to StolenJokes-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Google Groups click here to UNSUBSCRIBE or send a blank email to stolen-jokes+unsubscribe@googlegroups.com |
Joke
Archives |
|||