Friday, Jul 30, 2010
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The Dallas Solution
I have a friend who is president of his homeowners association in the Dallas, Texas suburbs. They were having a terrible problem with litter near some of his association's homes. The reason according to my friend is that six very large, luxurious new houses are being built right next to their community.
The trash was coming from the Mexican laborers working at the construction sites and included bags from McDonald's, Burger King and 7-11, plus coffee cups, napkins, cigarette butts, coke cans, empty bottles, etc. He went to see the site supervisor and even the general contractor, politely urging them to get their workers not to litter the neighborhood, to no avail. He called the city, county, and police and got no help there either.
So here's what his community did. They organized about twenty folks, named themselves The "Inner Neighborhood Services" group, and arranged to go out at lunch time and "police" the trash themselves. It is what they did while picking up the trash that is so hilarious.
They bought navy blue baseball caps and had the initials "INS" embroidered in gold on the caps.
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand what they hoped people might mistakenly think the letters really stand for..
After the Inner Neighborhood Services group's first lunch time pickup detail, with all of them wearing their caps and some carrying cameras, 46 out of the total of 68 construction workers did not show up for work the next morning -- and haven't come back yet.
It has been ten days now.
The General Contractor, I'm told, is madder than hell, but can't say anything publicly because he could be busted for hiring illegal aliens. My friend and his bunch can't be accused of impersonating federal personnel, because they have the official name of the group recorded in their homeowner association minutes along with a notation about the vote to approve formation of the new subcommittee -- and besides, they informed the INS in advance of their plans, and according to my friend, the INS said basically, "Have at it!"
SO, FOLKS, I THINK YOU COULD SAY THAT TEXAS INGENUITY TRIUMPHS AGAIN!
Reminder: Don't forget to pay your taxes....... 12 million illegal aliens are depending on you.
The old smelly drunk ambled in to the bar and asked for his usual pint of Guinness and after the barkeep got it for the drunk, he thought, "Lets have some fun."
He asked the drunk if he would like to taste the new drink he was trying to perfect. Of course the drunk was not one to refuse a free drink, and he replied "Sure."
The bartender then proceeded to shake up a batch and poured the drunk a glass. The drunk took a swig and downed it, smacked his lips and said "Thanks"
T barkeep said, "what did you think? Do you have a name for that drink?"
The drunk replied "I drank it so fast cause I was dry, could you give me another?"
The barkeep poured another and said to drink it slow and then give it a name. The drunk took a sip swirled it around and swallowed it, then another, finally draining the glass, licked his lips and replied "I think you ought to call it "Love by the Sea"
The barkeep was amazed by the insight put forth by the drunk so he asked him "Where did you come up with such a thoughtful name?"
To which the drunk replied, "Cause it's fucking near water!"
Okay, you know that in Hollywood, every producer has his "Yes Man" whose job it is to follow the producer around and say, "Yes, CB," "Right, CB" and so on. Well, one of these Yes Men got depressed, so down in fact that he was unable to function. So he consulted a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist quickly determined the problem, and told the Yes Man that he just had to find a release for his negative feelings, and say "No."
But if I said 'no' I'd get fired!" The yes man protested.
The psychiatrist said, "Oh, I don't mean on the job, I mean go out to the Grand Canyon and find a ledge off the trail, and there you can yell 'NO!' to your heart's content and no one will be the wiser."
Well, the Yes Man decided to try it. He went to the Grand Canyon and found a spot off the trail, and stood there and very timidly said, "no." It felt good, so he tried it a little louder, "No." Even better! Soon he was shouting "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!" at the top of his lungs and feeling great.
He went back to work a changed man, and said "Yes!" with all the proper enthusiasm, because on the weekend he could escape to the Grand Canyon and say "NO!"
Other Yes men decided to try this also, and soon every weekend the Grand Canyon was crammed with Yes Men shouting "NO!"
A new Yes Man came to Hollywood, and he too felt the need of such a release, but when he tried to find a ledge in the Grand Canyon, all of them seemed to be taken. He hunted and hunted, but every place he found was already taken by another Yes Man.
Finally he found a small ledge which had been overlooked because of its size. Thankfully he scurried out on it and stood there and said "No." It felt great!
So he wound up and released an enormous "NO!" and in so doing lost his balance and fell to his death.
Which just goes to prove that a little no ledge can be a dangerous thing.
Stan
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This big dude walks into a bar with a little spider on his shoulder, as soon as one of the dudes in there spots it, he tells his friends and they all laugh. The man says:
"Laugh while you can, 'cos this spider is stronger than any of you!!!"
The man making fun repies "I'd like to see that!!"
"Fine, my spider will pick up this bar stool" he sets the spider on the floor and the spider easily picks it up.
"That's nothing!!"
"But there's more, now the spider will pick up a table" and the spider easily picks up the table.
The men, not letting the spider impress them, only boo it "Now, gentlemen, this tiny spider will pick up the bar!!" and the spider spits on his hands, rubs them together and makes a great effort, but it picks up the bar!!!
The men, a little impressed ask "what else can it do??" so the man says "Now, it will pick up the bar with everyone of us on it!!" thinking it couldn't be done, the men start to get on the bar until there's like 40 guys on it.
The spider looks worried but starts walking towards the bar with an air of determination. Suddenly, a man walks into the bar sees the spider on the floor walking towards the bar, and steps on it "You bunch of pussies, scared of a little spider!!!!"
A very strange thing happened here in suburbia a few days ago.This past weekend, I noticed a neighbor of mine repairing his sidewalk. He had removed a number of broken sections damaged by the roots of the numerous trees in front his yard. He had rented a cement mixer, a portable one, not a truck. He was laying new forms for the cement. He was almost ready to pour the cement which would form a new, flat sidewalk that would no longer be a safety hazard to folks walking to his front door.
This particular neighbor is in his sixties. He and his wife never had children of their own, They both have always been exceptionally nice to the neighborhood children.
On Halloween, they host a "haunted house. ”
At Christmas, they always have gifts for all the children who live nearby.
At Easter time, they host an Easter egg hunt in their yard.
One would have to look far and wide to find a couple of people who care more for children than they do.
It is because of this that I was so shocked this past weekend.
Seeing as how this gentleman has helped me do so many chores around my house in the past few years, I offered my assistance to him in his task. We finished preparing the site for his new sidewalk. Then we mixed the cement. Then, we began pouring the new cement walkway leading to his front door. After laboring for a number of hours, we finished.
To those of you who have never poured cement, it is back-breaking work. A portion of cement the size of a medium bag of dog food weighs more than 100 pounds.
We were both exhausted. We each opened a beer and sat down to admire our work.
Just then, two neighbor children came riding down the street on their bicycles. Seeing the fresh cement walkway, they cut across his lawn, and rode the bikes right across the fresh, still wet cement, leaving bike tire tracks across the fruit of our labors.
My neighbor, totally out of character, immediately started screaming obscenities at the children. I had never heard him use such language, especially directed at kids.
His tirade lasted a few minutes. He was angrier than I had ever seen him.
When he finally cooled down, I asked him, "Ah, John. I am surprised. I thought that you loved all the children around here."
He looked over at me and responded, "In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete!"
Little Johnny runs into the living room one day and says, "Mom, why has Granny got a shrimp between her legs?"
"Don't be silly; Granny hasn't got a shrimp between her legs!" his mother replies.
But Little Johnny is insistent "She has, she has!" he shouts.
With this his mother grabs Little Johnny by the hand and says, "Ok, I have had enough of your foolishness. Show me!"
Little Johnny drags his mother into grandma's room where, being a very hot evening, Granny is fast asleep on top of her bed with no clothes on. Little Johnny drags his mother to the end of the bed and points between Granny's legs. "Look I told you so" he says. "See the little shrimp!"
His mother calmly decides she had better explain. "OK, Johnny, I know it looks a bit like a little shrimp but it's called a clitoris."
"That's funny" retorts Little Johnny "It tastes like shrimp..."
"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.
"It ain't my fault, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this on my dad.The reason I'm three hours late? Dad sleeps nights in the raw!"
Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears.
Full of grins and mischief and in the flower of his youth little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth. "You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote. The last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night when Dad heard a noise out in the chicken pen he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'"
"'Stay back," he yelled to all us kids, "I wouldn't want ya hurt!' He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the henhouse he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop.
As he stared into the darkness with coyotes on his mind,our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come a sneakin' up behind Dad. Then we all looked on plumb helpless as Dad was cold-nosed without warnin'."
"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"
Trivia
A group of foxes is called a skulk.
As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October)! Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term "big wig." Today we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig" because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.
The National Park System of the United States is run by the National Park Service, a bureau of the Department of the Interior. Yellowstone, which was opened in 1872, was the first national park in the world. The system includes not only the most extraordinary and spectacular scenic exhibits in the United States, but also a large number of sites distinguished either for their historic importance, prehistoric importance, or scientific interest, or for their superior recreational assets. The National Park System is made up of 376 areas covering more than 83 million acres in every state except Delaware. It also includes areas in the District of Columbia, American Samoa, Guam, Puerto Rico, and the Virgin Islands.
A "pibroch" is a piece of music for the bagpipe, consisting of a theme with variations, usually martial but sometimes dirgelike.
"Elementary, my dear Watson" - Sherlock Holmes This phrase was never uttered by the character in any of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's written works. Though "Elementary," and "...my dear Watson." both do appear near the beginning of The Crooked Man (1893), it is the "...my dear Watson" that appears first, and "Elementary" is the succinct reply to Watson's exclamation a few lines of dialogue later. This is the closest these four immortal words ever appear together in the canon.
The association of this quote with the Sherlock Holmes character likely comes from the closing lines of the 1929 film The Return of Sherlock Holmes.
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