Saturday, Jul 31, 2010
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An English explorer was taking part in an expedition to the Himalayas. Led by a grizzled local guide, they ascended one of the less frequently climbed peaks. Roughly halfway up the side of the mountain, a member of the expedition came across a set of large manlike tracks in the snow. "Yeti tracks," the sherpa said with a gruff voice as he passed them. "One thing you must know before we proceed; do not, under any circumstances, touch the yeti."
The expedition heeded his warning and continued to climb the slope. Night fell, and the explorers set up their tents. In the dead of night, the Englishman awoke to the sound of his tent entrance unzipping. Half-asleep, he looked up to see an enormous eight- foot yeti standing above him.
In fear for his life the explorer jumped up and ran out of the tent, banging into the yeti in the process. The yeti, after being touched by the explorer let out a deafening howl and began to chase the explorer down the slope.
The explorer ran away from the camp as quickly as his legs could take him, after he rounded a corner he looked behind him to see the bounding form of the yeti still chasing him.
So the explorer continued to run, reaching the bottom of the mountain in just two days, exhausted he paused to rest awhile. After just a few moments, the explorer began to hear the soft 'thud thud thud' of yeti feet on snow, he looked up the slope to see the yeti still chasing him and only moments away.
The explorer took off again, reaching a supply shack a couple of miles away, once there quickly buying a mountain bike and pedaling his way to the nearest town, some fifty miles away. The journey took him several days over the rough terrain and after his arrival he booked into a hotel to recuperate.
Two days later the man left his hotel to see about booking transport back to England. As soon as he turned around though he saw the form of the yeti on the horizon, bounding towards him at great speed. Horrified by this sight, the explorer hurriedly bought a car and drove it away from the village all the way to Delhi. Once he arrived, the man wasted no time in getting on the next plane to London.
After his arrival back in London, the man went back to his London home for a while to recover and to plan his next expedition. He had been there less than two weeks and was gazing out of a window when he saw a familiar large bounding, manlike creature running down his street; the man couldn't believe it -- somehow the yeti had followed him to England!
The man had little choice but to run away again, he used any means he could, bike, car, or on foot to try to escape the yeti, but each time he looked behind him, it was just moments before the yeti came into view.
Eventually the man made it all the way to Edinburgh and from there ran into the open Scottish countryside. He continued to run but the yeti just kept getting closer and closer, and in the end the man could run no more.
With the yeti less than a minute away from him, the man finally stopped and turned around to face the oncoming creature. With the last of his strength he stood up straight as the yeti caught up with him. The eight-foot tall yeti towered above the man, who could only stare in terror. The yeti extended his hand and poked the Englishman squarely in the chest with one long finger and in a low rumbling voice the yeti said, "Tag! You're it!"
I'm the only female in a house full of guys. Four sons and a husband. Toilet seat is never down...etc. I'm the only one who would be using Female products.....correct? A peculiar thing was happening at my house.
Tampons were disappearing! A few months ago I went to my cupboard to get out a tampon,and there was only one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it. The next month I go back to the cupboard..... and again....there is only one tampon left again. What's going on here? Gremlins?
I go to the store and buy another box, and forget about it. I decided to clean out my two youngest sons closet and at the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators and the tampons themselves. I am starting to freak! What are they doing with them?I get a hold of myself and tell myself that I am an adult and can handle this, despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind. I'm thinking, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for major therapy?" I go to the top of the stairs and yell for my two youngest sons to "come here!"
They march up the stairs and find me in their room staring into the bottom of their closet. I said "What are you doing with those? Those are mine!" My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent.
My 10 year old looks at me all innocent and says. "Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and stuff... and those make really good scud missiles... What do you use them for?" To which I replied: "Never Mind! Go Play!"
A good Norwegian couple moved from Norway to the USA. Ole and Lena went to church (Norwegian Lutheran), and after the preacher finished his sermon he then introduced this new couple, Booka and Anna to the Congregation, who all stood up applauded and welcomed them to America.
Then the preacher ask the congregation to help this new couple in any way they could in order to help them get established. Eric stood and said he owned two lumber yards and would give them enough lumber to build a new barn. Sven stood and said he owned two grocery stores and he would give them enough food to last them a month. Hilda stood and said she would prepare and plant their flower garden. After each one sat down, the entire congregation clapped.
Now Lena stood up and said Ole and me will give them all the sex they want for one month. A hush fell over the congregation. The preacher quickly dismissed the services and walked directly to Lena and asked why she had said that.
Lena replied, "Vel, I leant over to Ole and said 'Vot should ve gif to de new nice cuple from Norvey?', Unt he said 'Screw em'!"
A bartender is preparing to open for the night when he hears a knock at the door, he opens the door and a beautiful blonde is standing there.
She says, "I'm shy could I get a drink before you open?"
So he lets her in. "What`ll it be?"
"Twenty-five whiskeys please. Just line 'em up."
He is shocked that she would want so much, but he fills them and he watches her down the lot one by one. She then collapsed on the floor.
The bartender looks over the bar, not bad he thinks and takes her upstairs. When he has had enough he goes back down to open up.
It's a really busy night and to boost business he sells the girl for a twenty bucks per go. Everyone wants a turn, and he makes a fortune.
When he has closed up, he takes the girl and puts her outside the door where she first came from and he counts his profits.
The next night at the same time the doorbell rings again so he answers and the girl is back. He can`t believe his luck. Inviting her in he asks, "Twenty five whiskeys again, Darlin'?"
"Oh no," she replies, "vodka please. Whiskey makes my twat sore."
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Next, the woman points up; the driver points down. Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch.
Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus.
A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were all about.
The driver explained, 'The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a bus ride is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents. Next, she asked if the bus was going uptown, and I told her it was going downtown. Then, she asked if the bus was going past the dairy, and I told her it was going past the ballpark...' The passenger interjected, 'Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she left the bus?' The driver continued, 'She replied, 'Oh shit, I'm on the wrong bus!
Little Johnny
Little Johnny was talking to his father about Suzy. "She sure is pretty, I wish I knew how to get her to pay attention to me," he said. "She never says anything to me, I don't think she knows I'm alive."
"Well," his father responded, "the best way to get her attention is to go up to her and pay her a compliment. Try saying something nice about her clothing, and she will remember you fondly. Ask her where she got it, that is a sure bet to start a conversation with a pretty girl."
The next day Little Johnny saw Suzy on the playground. "Hey Suzy," he said, "That is sure a pretty sweater you are wearing. Where'd you get one with the knobs on it?"
Without blinking an eye she replied, "The same place you got your pants with the gear shift."
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, It would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his Groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker. Don't trust little Old Ladies!
Praying for Leroy
"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher said.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy; the whole congregation joined in with enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."
Peggy
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies "Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
One Liners
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. - Matt Barry
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope - George Burns
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant. - Henry Miller
Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
God doesn't believe in Atheists.
Go practice safe sex. Fuck yourself
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
I find it very irritating to be required to press one for English, and then end up speaking to someone in Malaysia or New Delhi.
My wife never lies about her age. She just tells people she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
The doctor called Mrs. Myles to tell her that her check came back. She replied: "So did my arthritis!"
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