There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.

"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it." So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably... but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal." "A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?" "No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."

WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS

Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors' daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila
******************************
Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine… Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

WALTER

The Polish were upset because of their bad reputation. A group of them got together and approached a conference of Americans, Germans, and Japanese and asked for help on this matter.

An American replied, "You must do something so the world will respect you. The Japanese are known for their technology and the Germans are known for their resourcefulness. We Americans have had respect since we helped win the World War against the other two. See, you need to do something world-famous."

A German added, "Yes, he's right. Why don't you find a place in this world in need of a bridge that no one has dared build, build it, come back to us, and we will help publicize it."

With that, the Polish set off to build their bridge. They designed it and worked six months and finally completed it. They then went back to report it to the group. The bridge was a beautiful bridge but it had one flaw: it was erected in the middle of the Sahara Desert.

An American said, "No, no. See, that is why you have your reputation. There is no need for a bridge in the middle of the desert. Now go and dismantle it, and find a more strategic spot to erect it."

The Polish returned to the conference in two weeks. One of the Japanese said, "Two weeks! It only took you two weeks to dismantle that bridge and build a new one??? That is amazing!!"

To which a Polish man replied, "Well, not exactly. When we returned to the bridge we couldn't dismantle it because there were all these Italians fishing off it."

Ugly as Hell

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."

The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"

The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.

The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."

The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."

The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island."

The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.

About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."

She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.

The guy says, "Get me some nails."

She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.

The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells,

"F@@@!"

She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."

A few days before the young couple were to get married, the girl accidentally walked in on her husband to be. He was just climbing out of the shower drying his head with a towel and didn't see her.

She was unsure of what she had seen, so she went to her doctor for advice. "Doc," she said, "What is that long thing between a man's legs?"

"Well, that is called the penis." he said.

"Oh." she said, "Well, what is that big round thing on the end of the penis?"

"That is called the head of the penis." the doctor said.

"Oh." she said, "Well, what are those big round things located about thirteen inches back from the head of the penis?"

The doctor said, "Honey, I don't know about your boyfriend but on me, that is the cheeks of my ass."

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Stolen Cartoons & Pics...

One Liners...

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

An alarm clock is a device for waking people up who don't have small kids.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt? A pussy is warm soft and wonderful and a cunt's the thing that owns it.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Why do women have foreheads?So you have someplace to kiss them after they give you a blowjob.

Trivia...

The world's earliest known plank-built ship, made from cedar and sycamore wood and dated to 2600 BC, was discovered next to the Great Pyramid in 1952.

The Egyptians created the first organized navy in 2300 BC.

Oar-powered ships were developed by the Sumerians in 3500 BC.

Sails were first used by the Phoenicians around 2000 BC.

The first train reached a top speed of only 8 km/h (5 mph).

Charles C. Weaver (1875-1946) was named president of Rutherford College, N.C., in 1900, the same year in which he completed his own college education.

A special tax levied in Schweinfurt, Germany, to defray the cost of street illumination, was an annual fee of $3.55 to be paid by the owner of every captive nightingale.

Can you give a buck a birthday bash? If so, light the candles! March 10 marked the birthday of America's paper currency. On March 10, 1862, paper money as we know it was created to help pay for the Civil War when the federal government issued about $430 million in bills. The money trail goes way back, however. Coins date to the 600's B.C. in Lydia (now western Turkey), and paper money began in China around A.D. 800, if not earlier. In the 1200's, Marco Polo was amazed to see the Chinese using paper money instead of coins.

The first paper money was nicknamed "greenbacks," for obvious reasons. Later bills included "goldbacks" and "yellowbacks."

The motto "In God We Trust" was first put on our money by Treasury Secretary Salmon P. Chase. It first appeared on coins in 1864 and on bills in 1957. In 1907, Teddy Roosevelt objected to stamping the phrase on money, calling the practice sacrilegious and unconstitutional. Various courts have upheld it over the years.