A man arrives at the theatre to see the latest production only to learn that it is completely sold out. He finds an usher and pleads with him,

"You must help me, I am a HUGE theatre fan. I've been to every opening night performance at this theatre for twenty years. I can't bear to miss this play, is there any possible way you can find me a seat?"

The usher says he'll see what he can do.

A few minutes later the usher returns and tells the man he has found him a vacant seat. He leads him inside the theatre to be seated.

A few moments later the man is waving for the usher again.

He whispers to the usher, "This play is a mystery, and I LOVE mysteries. But I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher manages once again to find the man a seat, this time in the second row. As he seats him, the man hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers,

"The wife did it."

A bloke was asked by co-worker to go out out for a few beers after work.

The bloke apologised, and explained that his wife would never go for it, that she did not allow him to go drinking after work.

The co-worker kindly suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were home late."

So the bloke agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Very late that night, he sneaked home, snuck into the bedroom, crawled under the covers, slipped down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, all without making a sound, and gave her oral sex as he had never done before. She, of course, moaned and groaned with pleasure, After a little while, the beer he had drunk gaveits usual message and he realised he had relieve himself. He got out of bed, still without making a sound and tiptoed into the en-suite.

When he opened the door, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting there.

"How on earth did you get in here?" He gasped.

"Ssssssshhhhh!" She whispered, putting her finger to her lips...

"...You'll wake mother!"

A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget. Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, "You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!" Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, "Take it easy Dear, Can't you see I'm trying to taper off?"

If Tarzan and Jane were from West Virginia, what would Cheetah be? Pregnant.

A friend of mine is a Police Officer here in town and he mentioned the other day that he actually had pulled Janet Jackson over... I said, "Are you serious? What, was she speeding?" He said, "Nah, she had a headlight out."

A knockout blonde with a fine set of knockers complains to the doctor, "I believe I am losing my mind. I can't remember ANYTHING after five minutes!" The doctor answers, in his most comforting tone, "Just take off all your clothes, miss, and lie down..."

Little Johnny and his girl were walking along a trail in the woods. Suzy noticed that some of the animals were behaving oddly. "Little Johnny, why is that rabbit on top that other one?" she asked.

Little Johnny stopped to consider his answer, and replied, "They're making cigarettes."

"Cigarettes?" she exclaimed, as they continue walking along. Pretty soon, they approached a couple of raccoons. Suzy asked, "Are they making cigarettes too?"

"Yea," says Little Johnny.

Suzy looked around and said, "It looks like all the animals are making cigarettes, why do not we make cigarettes?"

Little Johnny was quick to say, "OK!"

An hour or so later Little Johnny and Suzy were walking out of the woods, when she asked, "Little Johnny, what kind of cigarettes did we make?"

Little Johnny stopped to think about his answer, and then replied, "Well if you get a hump in your belly it's a Camel, and if you don't

it was a Lucky Strike."

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

There's this young single guy on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams intoan iceberg and begins to sink.

Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote, deserted island.

Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful, "My God, you saved my life!"

He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!

Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the islandtogether. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.

Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's thematter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Cin, there is. Would you mind, um, putting on my shirt?"

"Uh, sure," she says, "if this will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.

"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.

"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.

"Um, OK, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.

"Whatever you want, honey," she says, and does.

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up halfway around theisland a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says,

"Dude! You'll never believe who I'm banging!"

Hampster

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Stolen Cartoons & Pics...

One Liners...

To keep your teeth in good shape, mind your own business.

To become perfect just follow the advice you give others.

To get more out of a sermon, get adequate sleep - well before the sermon.

Unless you're the lead dog the view seldom changes.

Was Robin Hood's mother known as Mother Hood?

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Trivia...

If the amount of water in your body is reduced by just 1%, you'll feel thirsty.

Hippocrates, the Father of Medicine, suggested that a woman could enlarge her bust line by singing loudly and often.

A person can live without food for about a month, but only about a week without water.

You'll drink about 75,000 litres (20,000 gallons) of water in your lifetime.

After a certain period of growth, hair becomes dormant. That means that it is attached to the hair follicle until replaced by new hair.

Hair on the head grows for between two and six years before being replaced. In the case of baldness, the dormant hair was not replaced with new hair.

Men loose about 40 hairs a day. Women loose about 70 hairs a day.

In the Middle Ages the length from the tip of the middle finger to the elbow was called an ell.

A person remains conscious for eight seconds after being decapitated.

The first human sex change took place in 1950 when Danish doctor Christian Hamburger operated on New Yorker George Jargensen, who became Christine Jargensen

A huge statue of Buddha, which lay ignored in the fields near Bangkok, Siam, for years, was found to have under its top coating of plaster 400 pounds of gold.

Rodrigo Ponce de Leon (1443-1492), famed Spanish army officer, to retrieve a glove dropped by Ana de Mendoza at a reception attended by King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella, leaped into a pit filled with ferocious lions. He recovered the glove and escaped unharmed (1483, Seville, Spain).